Relief

Today I am thankful for the sense of relief that I got when I realized how lucky Steve is that he ran out of my life. 

Big changes are coming.  

I can't talk about it.  

The games are afoot.  Money is disappearing again.  I may have to get creative to find the funds to take care of things.  

I'm in more danger than I have ever been in before.  If I get killed, I don't know if they are going to arrest the right person.  I'm still confused as to who the stalker is.   His family members are still calling over here, even though he claims to have asked them to stop.  

I wanted to get to the bottom of the stalking and today the answers I received made no sense.  

I did research on domestic violence and stalking.  I stumbled on a website.  There is a theory that was developed out of research undertaken shortly after O.J. Simpson killed Nicole Brown.  The researcher found that among his participants, there were two types of batterers.  One was an anti-social type that became aroused by violence; he called them cobras.  The others were emotionally dependent on their wives; he coined them pit-bulls.  

Here is a cut and paste (emphasis mine): 

Pit-bulls are motivated by an extreme fear of abandonment. They apologize frequently after violent episodes, promising to make permanent changes. Jealousy colors their relationships with women, and its intensity increases to fever pitch when the partner moves toward separation from the relationship. The pit-bull may resort to harassment, stalking, and even fatal violence, especially when he believes a new love interest has entered his partner's life. Not surprisingly, ending a relationship with a pit-bull is a highly dangerous choice.

Instinctively, the victim knows how safe she is to remain in the home. Advising the partner of a pit-bull to leave her abuser may actually escalate her chances of being severely injured, or even killed.

Here is another excerpt from another article:

A pit bull, however, has serious abandonment issues. All stalkers are pit bulls. A person who threatens to kill you and reinforces the threat with physical violence is likely a pit bull. A cobra strikes to kill. A pit bull cannot accept the relationship is over ~ “good-bye” is too painful for them to handle. A pit bull is the person who decides, “if I can’t have her/him, no one can.” These are the abusers who commit murder/suicide. When the pit bull realizes the relationship is indeed over, the object of their “affection” is in mortal danger.

This makes me realize that I've got to get rid of the rifle.  A gun with hollow point bullets will probably get me killed.  I'd best forgo that CCW permit for now.

Sigh...

I'm incredibly thankful my friend bailed on me.  I didn't expect him to claim to fall in love with me on a public forum.  I didn't expect to have feelings for him that were shared.  I'm glad he had enough sense to run off when I told him my sister-in-law was stalking me.

I love him, too.  I want him alive.  This is a good thing.

I haven't spoken to my in-laws since 1999.  My ex claims he hasn't spoken to them since 2007 and says he never talks about me.  If so, how does his sister know what days I'm talking to other men?  How does she know when I'm at school?  at work?  what car I drive?

Something is off.

He's got to be asking her to follow me around.

At a political convention last weekend, I had a politician ask me why I stopped showing up to events that I promised to attend.

I found myself explaining why I don't go to all of his events.  I told him that I usually get dressed up to go but sometimes don't make it out of the house because of threats or comments that scare me.  On the day that Steve was going to meet me in my home town for a Celtic Heritage Festival, my ex made mention of going out there to find Steve.  After the festival, I had plans to go to a political event to support my politician friend.  Rather than risk hurting Steve, I stayed home.  I feared going anywhere so long as the Celtic Festival was going on.

I know my friend can take care of himself.  I just don't want to cause trouble.

This is the piece of the puzzle I am missing.  It was the typology.

Wow... it's a lot to think about.

This overshadows the emotional issues I have.  This needed to be over with by now.

I'm tired of sleeping alone.  I still cry myself to sleep at night.

I average less than four hours of sleep at night.

When the kids fall sick in the middle of the night, I am the only one there.  He's happy in his basement apartment and free of the real job of parenting.

Yesterday, the girls spent the day with their father.  One became severely ill.  She ate junk food most of the day.  My ex wanted to talk until 2:00 a.m.  I got things cleaned up so I could go to sleep around 2:30.  The youngest child became severely sick a little after 4:00 a.m.  I had to get up to wash the sheets and blankets, clean the mattress, collect the toys, comfort and bathe the child, and make her a new new bed.

I'm dragging myself around today.

Now, I need to find a way to make money that won't take me out of the house.  Yes, he wants me to find money that doesn't exist to pay off a gastric bypass surgery he wants, the middle child's braces (or impending jaw surgery), and other new debts because he's not willing to take a second job.

I can't do that if I can't work.

I'd like to figure out how to end the stalking so it doesn't cost me yet another job.

I can't do that if I can't understand the mechanism by which Shannon and her boyfriend know what I'm doing.

I can't start a business if I can't access credit or seed money.

I don't want to stay in this house with him because that's how he knows what I'm doing.  He won't leave.  If I leave, the kids will be neglected.  I stay.  He promises to leave once I have a job.  I get a job.  I get stalked. I lose my job and the cycle continues.

This is getting old.

I do have a plan.  I can't talk about it for fear of it falling through.  I'm awaiting a call on Tuesday and a meeting on Wednesday.

We'll see how it goes.

I'm alone.

I feel ugly.

I am in pain.

I really miss having a partner.  He left me in 1999.  He started calling me his ex in 2007 and he stopped touching me in 2008.

He says he believes that it our relationship is over.

He also says that he has to control me to keep me here.

I don't know what to believe.

Maybe being in an oppressive home situation living a life of celibacy is better than being killed.

I guess I'll never have sex again.  That is such a crazy thought.  I don't even remember what it is like.  I never thought I'd spend over six years of my life living like this.

I am terrified.  He loses his temper too much.  I'm hunting through financial documents and I cannot account for nearly $30,000.

Worse, he is telling me things about his settlement with the city that I did not know.   I don't know what to believe.  I really don't.

It sounds like he was making himself out to be a victim.

Actually, he was.  He was raging at me and had me backed into a corner.  I swatted him back and he ran around telling everyone that I broke his nose.

His nose is just fine.

I know this post sounds jumpy and nonsensical but I'm being pressured to hurry up and go back upstairs.

I have too many questions.

Why can't the cops help me?

They tell me that I've got to get serious about finalizing the divorce.

That could get me killed.

If my ex is telling the truth, how is his sister finding the time, energy, motivation, money, and information necessary to stalk me?

What do I do to stop it?

Can I hold a job without fear of stalking?

Can I put contingency plans in place to minimize said stalking?

I'll spend some time thinking about what to do.

After reading what I read today, I am thankful that Steve ran off and hid himself.  It is one less person to worry about.  

I found the original research article on the typology.  It is on the author's website for anyone interested in reading it.

It fits too well: http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Testing-a-typology-of-batterers.pdf

Yes, I'm Pagan.

I found bought a steak for Aries, it was marked down to $1.00.  That's pocket change.  It may be appropriate to honor the God of War in this instance.  If I get a job, he's getting a nice roast.

Do I know any dark magicians?  A spell couldn't hurt. I know several.  I'll email them when I get back to my room.

Do I need a protection spell?

Or do I need to conjure a wraith?

I'd try anything at this point.

My ex and his family are superstitious.  Superstition could help get him settled down.

I wonder, does he fear Hades?

I don't know him any more.

I know his sister and mother fear witches.  They fear demons.

I can work with that, especially given the family myth that I am the master of 432 djinns.

I think it's more like 21.  I'd have to count...let's see.  One Shaitan, Two Ghul, Five Ifrit, Seven Marid, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen Marid...and over one hundred empty vessels.  Then, there is that little spooky piece the Satanist's daughter sent me when her parents died.  I can't touch that one without my head spinning... the note said it was found in her father's safe.  It is said to contain the essence of seven human spirits.

I can't give that one away.  No one wants it.  Not even the paranormal museum.  It's stuck here.

Maybe I can gift it to Shannon?  Hmmmm.......

Am I joking?

You decide.

Then someone sent me what was supposed to be a unicorn in a peridot ring.  It broke shortly after I got it.  That cracks me up a little bit.  Steve used to giggle about unicorns and rainbow poop.  That was his metaphor for bullsh!t.

I tried to connect with a unicorn but alas, the unicorn flew free.

I did take the ring because I was hypnotized to be incredibly happy when looking at a peridot.  I was happy. Despite the crap, I felt joy.

If I die, guess who the new owner of the collection will be?  It has been said that an owner of a Djinn is in for a lifetime of bad luck due to the abuse of Solomon.   I don't own the Djinn.  I own the jewellery.

I do have the most beautiful dreams when I fall asleep meditating to thoughts of the Djinn.  I find the Koran to be a beautiful book.  I'm not so fond of the politics of Islam but parts of the Koran paints a loving portrait of the religion and of God.

I would assume that should the Djinn be real, most of them would be religious.  Well, maybe not the Shaitan, the very name implies a kinship with the Christian devil.

I also get a horrible sense of sadness and anger when I see news footage of drone strikes and dead children in Iraq, Pakistan, and Afganistan.  Is that the Djinn?  Is it me?  Both?

Even demons may get angry about that behavior.  One wonders why we don't demonize the idiot that orders those drone strikes?

I wish....I wish...I wish for....World Pea...

Oh, no...never mind.

It'll backfire.

Oh, yummy.  I have a hankering for blended peas.

That must be my wish coming true....

Whirled peas.....

UGH!!

I hate my dry humor.

I wish...I wish...

never mind.

I keep my collection here as a form of research.

I haven't won the lotto yet.

If I win, you'll know why.

If I win the Powerball on the day before the economy collapses, trust me...I would take that as a sign and a signal that at least one of the Djinn here are real and messing with me.

Until that day, I'm going to enjoy the mystery and the fun of freaking my ex out so much that he stays out of my creepy bedroom when he has his fits of rage.

I guess my wish to stay safe has come true!

Hooray!!!  

I'll light my Djinn some incense.  Djinn like incense.  My ex hates it.

I'm probably so warped and evil that I'm often mistaken for a demon.

I do find too much humor in messing with obnoxious jerks!!

Love ya,

S.