Trust

Today I am thankful for trust, although I don't believe I can trust anyone right now. 

Trust takes time.  

I finally figured out how to bring trust between my current love interest and myself.  We need to spend time together in physicality   

He's gonna have to let me touch him.  

I still struggle with the whole, if I'm not holding a traditional 9-5  job then I am not dating material thing.  I didn't anticipate what happened to me last month.  I didn't expect to end up responsible for everything.  

I could work for myself, if I were paying child support and living on my own.  If I have to be both mother and father, then I have to get a real job.  

I haven't worked for anyone else in fifteen years! 

I had to hire a new lawyer.  I'll talk to him on Monday.  He is a mutual friend of my love interest and myself.   I hope he hasn't caught on to any apparent male/female tension.  That could be an interesting conversation.

Until now, no one has been able to tolerate my interests and my occupation.  This guy sees through me.  He sees that I'm not trying to control anyone.  That's the problem with being a hypnotist, people think you want to control them.  

My first boyfriend called me a 'hole' when I wanted to audition as a bassist for a local band.  

I loved him more than my bass, so I didn't go through with the audition.  The band didn't go anywhere. 

I had other chances.  One of my tutors became famous.  I felt horrible for not keeping up with the lessons, I could have been GOOD!  I suck.  

The next guy destroyed the vintage Peavey T-40 my daddy gave me.    It had a three digit serial number.  The replacement has five digits.  It's not the same.  I was a music major, he would destroy my textbooks and promise to drive me to school to take tests.  I went to school in Downtown Denver; he'd drop me off in Colorado Springs.  I failed that semester.  

He's the guy who tried to kill me.  He drove me to study psychology with the desire to help battered women.  

The next guy married me under the condition that he'd let me get my P.hd as that is the entry level degree in my field.  I only recently learned that he has had his friends and family stalk me to intimidate me away from jobs.  I'm heartbroken. 

He would say one thing to me and run to his family and tell them what he really wanted.  His sister, mother, uncle and cousin would run around trying to sabotage me.  I didn't want him living with me, his sister would call the landlord and make some claim that I was having sex in the parking lot.  They'd get me evicted and I'd end up moving in with him.  They'd harass me at work if he didn't like the job I held.  They'd stalk me in college, if he didn't like me going to school.  

I caught on too late.  

It's still going on to this very day.  

I know the minute I file for a real divorce, I'm going to be in danger.  I need to take as many precautions as I can.  I need money to take off if things get really scary.  

I'm working on it.  

This one hurts the most.  His family knew me since I was fourteen.  They knew who I was.  I thought I could trust them.  I can't.  

I don't know.  

I don't know that any man will let me be ME.  

There are issues with my love interest.  When I engage him in conversation, he thinks I'm blasting him.  I'm not.   

I just hate it when people say that nothing can be done about the political climate.  It can.  

I hate it when people claim that life is about facts and figures.  Life is about people!  

I really hate it when people say that human beings don't matter and criticize me for being kind to public servants; they are people.  Life is about people.  Yes, the system sucks.  That doesn't mean that every individual person in that system deserves disrespect.  

I'll never know who put the GPS box on my car.  My brother-in-law said it was Shannon.  My activist friends said it was the police department.  I don't know.  

Shannon was able to break into my house.  An officer was hanging out in my garage one summer day.  

I don't know.  Any one of them could have done that.  

I do know that the cops out here were saving people in a shooting by driving them to the hospital in their patrol cars when the ambulances were full.  I know that the police officers, as individuals, ran into a barrage of bullets as other people were running out.  I saw them holding back tears in the days that followed the incident. 

One has to respect that.  

I feared mentioning it to their superiors.  I don't want anyone punished for being human. 

I don't know. 

I've been alone too long.  I stayed here thinking I would hurt less people that way.  

I'm hurting.  

If I am too bizarre or weird for anyone, maybe staying here is the thing to do.  

I don't think I can live like this very much longer.  I sleep about three to four hours a night.  I spend most of that time crying.  I don't like sleeping alone.  

Do I have to do that forever?  If I stay, I will.  

I forgot what a kiss feels like.  I forgot other things, too.  I know it still works because the doc hurt me last week doing an exam.  Apparently if you don't use it, it closes up.  I had no clue.  

The people in my neighborhood have heard my ex bellow at me.  They know what is going on.  My Private Eye neighbor tells me that life is too short to live like this.  He tells me to get out while I am still young. 

I'm not sure anyone would want me.   

If I had a nickle for every single father who asked for my phone number, only to run off when I told him that I was a professional hypnotist, I'd buy you dinner. 

When these men Google my name and see some of the things I've done, they tend to run off.  Sometimes I get rants about the government in phone messages.  Other times I'm told just to pick my battles more wisely.  Sometimes I'm called juvenile and paranoid.  I'm called selfish.  I'm called crazy.  

Yes, I've got some fat chick and her freaky fiance stalking me because her brother is jealous.  I am allowed to be paranoid...for now.  My major decision right now is do I get a restraining order?  Or will that make it worse?  

I have until Monday to decide.  

Do I want to invite a man in my life while dealing with this crap?  

I don't know.  

I hate the thought of someone thinking I want to control him, or overshadow him, or cause trouble.  

I don't.  

I don't want to overshadow anyone.  I just want to be.  I want him to be.  I want everyone to be happy.  

Perhaps I should start hanging out with fellow hypnotists who happen to be musicians or political activists. 

They'd understand me.  

Or maybe I should get used to the idea of being alone.  

Love ya, 

S.  

P.S.  I have endometriosis, apparently.  It's never bugged me before.  I was diagnosed with it in the 80's and was told I'd never have children.  They had no clue.  

Last week, the doc wanted to tear out my hardware.  I didn't want to do that.  It sounds painful and I really hate using glycolic acid to burn off my scars.  The doc then said she wanted to put me on birth control to control the symptoms.  Do you want to know something funny?  The insurance company refused.  They used to cover it -but- the company president was so pissed about the Obama birth control mandate, he decided to take a stand with his self-insured corporation.  

Good for him!  I'm not screwing anyone.  I don't need to worry about it and if someone comes along, I'll buy it myself.  

Do you want to know something crazy?  

Chinese medicine works. 

I have a tea that saved me from gallbladder surgery.  

I have teas that take away my wrinkles.  

I have a tea that keeps the endometriosis away. 

Darn it.....never trust Western docs, they'll kill you.  

Now, if only I can find a tea that makes me docile and stupid....I'd get a guy to screw and have to worry about birth control.  

Life is funny that way, isn't it?