Lessons

Today I am thankful for those lessons that I learn to understand.

I don't want to go into too much detail.  

One would think that after all I've been through, that I'd have thicker skin.  I don't understand why I am letting this latest fiasco with Steve get to me.  

I laugh about it.  

He's acting out because I'm not sucking his dick and kissing his ass.  

I had a high powered guy in political circles tells him to "wank off " to conspiracy theorists and the only thing going through my mind was...

yeah...he has to do that because I'm a prude.  

Yet, I didn't say anything.  The political guy never showed up to subsequent events.  The other woman in question is barely speaking to me over Steve's behavior.  

I don't even know what he did because he blocked me.  

I am ignoring my worried hot guy friend.  The last thing I need is some good looking lonely guy trying to comfort me.  

After laughing about it, I worry about it.  

Is Steve doing drugs?  

Did Steve hit his head?  

Is he embarrassed over something?  

Then I get angry over it. 

What the hell is this guy thinking?  

He refuses to talk to me on the phone and thinks I'll screw him when he only spends about nine hours a year alone with me in person.   I don't know that hanging out during political events counts  because of the negativity in those arenas.  It's not conducive to amorous interaction.   I need time alone with someone to get to know them.  

Yeah, I realized that I find phones to be incredibly intimate.  

Any guy that's gotten lucky with me has called me first and spent a lot of time on the phone with me.   It took me awhile to understand this; I tend to view talking to guy on the phone as allowing him to whisper in my ear.  That was insightful.  I was a musician.  The last two men I dated (and married) were with are not very good looking but they both had resonate radio announcer voices.  I guess if someone views the world through sound, voices are important.  Steve has a nice voice, I'm not sure I want to ever hear it again, but it is nice nonetheless.  

That's not what really bugs me.  

Who the heck is this person to judge anyone else?  

Why does he allow other people to judge him?  

Rather than try to convince idiots to take on his way of thinking on an internet forum, why doesn't he just lead by example like I try to do?  

I tried leading someone to look at the facts of an issue on an internet video channel with some person pretending to be a 22 year old idiot last week.  It turns out, he's about my age and lives in the town where I ran for office.  That is why he picked on me.  Guess who showed up to a political event last night?

He made those watery eyes at me and looked at me a little too long.  

Ick...

Maybe I'll keep this new guy around.  He makes me sick.  Maybe I can lose those last twenty pounds faster.

Finally, I get hopeful over it.  

Yeah, I pray that Steve found a hotter chick who kisses his ass and does a heck of a lot more than suck his rooster.

That, I'd understand.

If somebody is making you feel like a million bucks, ditch the b!tch!

I will not contact him because that is my code.  If you're getting bopped, do not let former love interests ruin it for you.

No one needs that complication.

Sigh... 

Life is weird.

It is so very weird.

I do think I have the lessons down. If someone cuts me off without talking to me about it, he doesn't respect me and it is time to move on.

Losing a friend hurts more than the divorce.

I've cried a lot.

There are other lessons. 

I have also realized that I have lived over six years of celibacy because I cannot set decent boundaries with my ex.  I need to figure out how to do that.  There are days when I think I'm destined to be alone forever and then a new hottie will ask me out only to be turned down because my ex and I share a house.

I know what I need to do.

One of us needs to move out.  That is why I never invited Steve here.

Steve has also taught me that I need to work on my self-esteem.  This last relationship made me feel incredibly ugly.  I can't fathom how anyone can look at me.  Steve once told me that I had a neurosis about being called beautiful.

It took me a little while to understand why.

When I was a little girl.  I was called "pretty ugly."

When I was fourteen, my mother beat me because a man in the grocery store called me pretty and didn't compliment her on her looks.  She actually bit me on my right arm and I ended up in the hospital.

I wished she would leave me alone.  She died within a week of that.

At sixteen, my sister was ridiculing me in front of a talent scout at a department store.  He urged me to sign up for a modelling competition.  I know he did that out of kindness.  I was a finalist.  My sister never got into the contest.  I don't know who he was but my sister has never ridiculed me since that day; she has beat me up and torn pretty clothes off of me in a fit of rage just like my mother did.  My sister has never called me ugly since that day.  That man changed my life.

I met Tom within a couple of weeks of that modelling competition.  I tried the modelling thing over the summer but I hated it too much to continue.  I liked doing the window display thing, where I'd model clothes and try to be as still as possible.  I liked doing the haunted house acting thing and screaming while young guys would jump and freak out.

I truly hated the strutting down the runway thing.  To this very day, I get self-conscious when I notice people watching me walk.

Running for mayor reminded me of runway modelling.  You have to act like a model citizen.  People expect you to act and dress like someone else.  I didn't do that.  I tried to present as myself.  That whole experience still left a bad taste in my mouth.  I feel sorry for career politicians.  We are human.  How can you be more than human?  It's too narcissistic of a job for me.

I'd rather give people hell.

I still feel ugly. When I dress up, I feel it is akin putting lipstick on a pig.  Yeah, I borrowed a Republican phrase there.  If the shoe fits....

I know why I wasn't in a hurry to fix things so that I could try to be with my friend.

The truth is, I can't fathom how anyone can stand seeing me naked.

My mind goes back to all those little insults in my marriage.  I keep going back to being told that I need to look and act like a porn star.  I actually did hypnosis to those ends.  I remember him turning away from me at night.  I remember his leaving whenever his mother lied about me.  I certainly remember him grabbing me and tearing off my favorite dress only to make a mess on my leg and run into the living room to eat potato chips while I'm left to clean up.  That event must bug me because of what my mom and sister did to me: They liked to attack me, tear off my clothes, and demean me when I looked nice.

If I were prettier, he wouldn't have treated me like that.

I have recently spoken to docs about cosmetic surgery thinking  that desiring to look better would inspire me to make more money.  The doctors say that nothing will fix what I think is wrong.  It can minimize it but surgery may or may not make a difference.  I should be happy to look young for my age.

I think beauty is an internal thing.  Maxwell Maltz was a famous cosmetic surgeon who would write about beautiful people who felt ugly even after getting tons of work done.

I have learned that I need to work on my self-esteem.

I feel ugly.  I feel incredibly hurt about being ridiculed by my ex for my sexuality.  I'm realizing that I may never be able to trust anyone in that realm again.

It'll take time for me to build any kind of relationship leading to that.  I'll have to trust someone completely.  I trusted me ex and look what he did to me.

I am also learning that my ex was a big part of the stalking.  Everyday more pieces to the puzzle fall into place.  I am afraid but I cannot do anything about this situation.  Restraining orders only go so far.

I am learning that I just have to get away completely.  It'll only be dicey until the county grants the divorce.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

My lesson is to avoid men who don't talk with me directly and to only trust men who invest time in me.

I'm not going to go looking for anyone.

I can't.

I'm learning that my heart is full of shit.  It still loves Tom.  It still loves Steve.  If it beats fast around my ex, it's only out of fear.

I can't get myself to trust any of them.

Maybe the love I have for people isn't love.

Maybe I don't know how to love.

It's never really worked out for me.

There are some people destined to be alone.

I give up.

I let myself feel and it only leads to pain.

I will never go through this kind of hell again....ever!

So, how does one turn a heart back into coal?

Hmmmmm......let me scheme on that.

Love ya,

S.