Recognizing Insecure Men

Today I am thankful for recognizing insecure men. 

I'm trying to process the crap I've heard in the past eighteen months from Mike. 

One of the things that really bothers me was when he said that he abused me because I was pretty.  He said that if I were more beautiful, he would never let me out of the house for fear of another man taking me away.  

I gained thirty pounds after he said that.  I think I was subconsciously trying to drive him away. 

All I did was make my other ex's worry and freak out my friends. 

My love interest told me that I have a neurosis about being called beautiful.  He's trying to respect that.  Someday I'll get help for it.  I mean, my daughters look just like me.  If I act like I'm ugly, what are they goin to think about themselves. 

My ex's comment about controlling me for my looks really hurt me.  I mean, I spent 90% of my relationship dressing down, hiding myself, never wearing make-up and trying to avoid being seen due to my ex's rage.   He didn't like me wearing make-up and dressing up. 

What's weird, is that Mike encourages me to wear revealing clothes now when I'm out in public with him. 

I don't understand him.  I don't. 

I did have a therapist posit that it turns him on when he thinks I'm with other guys.  I guess it's a voyeuristic fetish some guys have.  They get married, cut off the sex, and urge their partner to sleep with other men. 

I'm NOT going to let him get his jollies off of that.  I'd rather rot in a celibate hell hole. 

I thought he was the one.  We got close in 1992.  I'd known his family since I was a child.  They saw me through my first breakup with Tom.  They saw me through my second breakup with Ross.   They knew everything about me.  That ended up creating strife in this relationship. 

Apparently, Mike was always jealous of Tom.  It had come down to stalking as far back as 1998.  I said his name one night when I was sleeping and 'lo and behold Mike asked his cousin to set out to find Tom.  Of course, no one told me this until 2012 when I was bitching about Tom and I being stalked in a restaurant. 

I guess it had been going on for quite a while.   The weird thing was that Tom and I hadn't said a word to each other between 1988 and 2008.  The realization that Mike's family was seeking Tom makes me wonder if that was the reason Tom initiated contact in 2008.   The story gets weirder.  Mike's cousin ended up dating the guy who owns the house next to Tom's mother.  I wonder if they met on one of her stake outs.  

My world is kinda creepy.  I probably should run off to Brazil.  My in-laws are too stupid to learn Spanish.   

Sigh.....

Things got bad in 1999, the year I learned Mike's mother had been spreading lies about me.  I also learned that his sister was harassing the neighbor and stalking me at home.   When I'd tell Mike, he'd get violent.  He moved out at one point.  We haven't been the same. 

I kept to myself and did my own things.  He'd interfere if I worked but I could sneak around and take classes on student loans.  It took two years before his sister found out about my college experience and started stalking me on campus.  Fortunately, I was nearly done with my Master's degree at that point.   

I don't know how it happened but I somehow started to meet famous people.  It may be because few women do what I do.  When I went into the spotlight, I had a mentor tell me to never leave the house without camera ready make-up.   That is excellent advice.  I can't say that I've followed it in recent months. 

Make-up has changed me.  I don't fear reporters or cameras anymore.  I don't look like myself when I wear make-up but I feel confident that I don't freak people out with my scarred and pitted faced.

It changed Mike, too.  That was in 2005.  This was two years before he called me his ex but about the time his propensity towards violence became worse.  I learned to keep the house spotless and not tell him things about my life.  It seemed to do the trick. 

Truth is, I really don't know why I fear Mike.  He's like a conjured demon, there are ways to keep them under control.  Yeah, it was 2008 when I learned that he has a seizure issue.  I noticed that I can't do hypnosis around him or play my hypnotic music - it sends him into seizures.   If he really got violent around me, I could really hurt him.

I won't. 

I don't need a gun.  I just need to grab a keyboard and talk. 

I guess I have more power than I thought. 

I guess that is besides the point. 

Mike telling me that he punishes me for my appearance thing bothers me quite a bit. 

It took me about six months to figure out why. 

Let me tell you. 

In 1997, I received a telephone call from the woman who married the man I was with before my husband.  This ex cheated on me with a gorgeous local actress.  Oh, she was hot! 

He married her in 1994.  Her name is Sindy (no giggling now...she wasn't like that).  Sindy was ten years older than I but you'd never know it.  She was beautiful inside and out.  I secretly envied her.  She looked like Marilyn Monroe. 

In my real life, I look like a red-headed, green-eyed version of Jessica Lange.  

I always thought Sindy was beautiful.   That ex certainly upgraded.  Sindy had earned quite a life for herself and she gave him a house, cars, money, and a daughter.   I had three bass guitars worth $5,000  a couple of antique saxophones.  I couldn't buy him much.  Artists don't make a lot of money when they first start out.  

I left him because he brought home a man who claimed I wouldn't sleep with him on a first date when I was seventeen years old.  I remembered him.  He had a tan just about everywhere except for a small portion on the ring finger on his left hand.  I left before he could order drinks.  Four years later and I guess the guy was still angry about it.  Ross beat me in front of this guy until I was unconscious.  I woke up bruised in places that they had to get a female cop to photograph.  I had been raped.  I don't know who did that. 

I didn't cooperate with the prosecution.  I took my Steinberger and moved the heck away from that mess. 

He moved in with Sindy and she swore up and down that I was lying.  Her love would never do such a thing.   

One day in 1997, I received a tearful phone call from Sindy.  She wanted to know how to keep my ex from beating her. 

He had called her ugly.  To paraphrase, he told her that he only dated one beautiful woman and she was a bitch, so he swore up and down that he'd only date and marry ugly women.  Then he invoked my name.  Now Sindy knew me and she knew that I left him for putting me in the hospital.  It took her eight years to realize that I told the truth. 

I felt responsible.  I should have had the jack wipe convicted.  If he were in jail, he wouldn't have married and terrorized Sindy. 

At the time, I worked as a victim's advocate for the DA.  I promised to testify on her behalf should she need it.  It was too little too late. 

I'm now realizing that my last two loves were incredibly damaged men. 

I want to know why I picked them! 

I'm never going to put up with that again. 

Why now? 

Well...the reason is simple.  My dumb heart has made me desire someone else.  I'm trying to justify running away.  I went into hiding and avoided him for a week.  Wouldn't you know that during that entire week I had a reporter from a national news agency try to contact me?

I can't afford to hide from my friend anymore. 

It may have cost me the interview of a lifetime! 

I need to work through this. 

So...

I'm thinking about my past relationships.  The last two were incredibly insecure men. 

The guy before that looked exactly like me except he was a little taller, a little bigger, and had an adam's apple.  Oh, he had blond curly hair.  I had incredibly dark auburn hair, it almost a dark warm brown.  I became a redhead the day he left me.  I had my hair relaxed and it turned red.  I've never been able to get rid of it.  

Now, this ex and I both have the same color reddish brown hair!  His eyes are still blue.  My brown eyes are now green.  We both look like we are in our mid-thirties. 

I think we pickled ourselves with alcohol...(shhh..I won't admit to ever saying that.)

People mistook us for brother and sister which made kissing him incredibly awkward.  We were so similar, it was almost incestuous.  He's an INTJ.  I'm an INFJ.  I guess that is common. 

This is what I realized.  We were incredibly similar.  We didn't have insecurity issues in that relationship.  He never hit me.  He never yelled bloody murder at me.  We were evenly matched with education.  We had complimentary hobbies.  He liked to draw (and was 1000 times better at it than I was).  He played guitar.  I played bass. Back then, our problem was religion.  He was a hyper-religious Protestant.  I had odd spiritual practices that reflected my step-father's Paganism.   Religion doomed us. 

Now, my politics drives my statist first love up a wall.  I didn't know how to correct him when he said that China owns all of the US debt.  That's not true, the US owes most of it to US bondholders. Then when I mentioned running for city council to fight crazy tax hikes, he looked at me like I was insane.  I sure hope he never saw the local papers.  I was asked to run for mayor to bring attention to corruption and that was the only way to get press.  Yeah, I'm crazy because I want to slash his 54.9% tax rate (cuz that's what he's paying if he adds all those stupid taxes and fees up).

Bummer....It's hard to find the perfect match. 

I'm realizing though that maybe I need to be with someone who matches up with me on a physical, intellectual, and spiritual level. 

No one I have ever dated had a college degree.  I helped Mike earn one.  I even did his homework (shhh...) and got him the financial aid. 

I am far more educated that the last two men in my life.  I'm wondering if that leads to insecurity on their part. 

I think that insecurity is the cause of a lot of the abusive bull. 

After my experience dating a male that looked like me, I went to the other side of the spectrum.  I didn't date for looks.  That obviously made my last two ex's insecure. 

So....this long winded diatribe brings me to my discomfort with my friend.     

He's trying too hard.  He's smart.  He doesn't need to show off. 

Today he was writing about having the equivalent of a P.hD.  but not the piece of paper.   Yeah, I know IT guys who don't have an education yet supervise and direct doctorate level subordinates. 

That doesn't matter. 

We are a spiritual match.  We are a political match.  We have similar interests in helping the community.  We are both dirt poor (hey...ex's do that to people...it's temporary).  I thought we were an educational match.  He's always teaching me to see things through scientific eyes.  He forgets that subjectivity colors how one views theories. 

I haven't had the courage to explore the final component until my ex moves out of the house.  If we aren't compatible in certain ways, it won't work. 

I don't know.  It may be that last piece that is making us both batty.  I don't like what I dream about.  It makes me cry. 

Maybe I should hide away.  Perhaps my prudeness is destroying his inner peace.  He used to go off like that and write crazy things on the Thursdays before emailing me to tell me he loved me the following Friday. 

I hate the weekends, too. 

It's almost 4:00 am right now.  I'm not sleeping.  If I were, I'd be dreaming of him. 

Okay, so three hours of typing this rant and all I have to show for it is that I frustrate my friend and cause him to act out of sorts.   

I really thought I was on to something.  I thought if I talked it out, I'd figure out was making me uneasy.  I thought it would be a characteristic my friend has.  Or something between us that is a mismatch. 

Nope...after typing all of this, I realize that the problem is me and my unwillingness to be honest about my feelings. 

I'm hurting him. 

Wow....

Brazil is looking pretty good right now.  Maybe if he never sees my face, I won't hurt him as much. 

I'm not going to sleep tonight, am I? 

That's okay.  My day starts in three hours. 

Love ya,

S.