Exhaustion

Today I am thankful for exhaustion because it gives me an excuse to try to rest.

 

 

I don't think that I've had more than four hours of sleep since Saturday.  I'm tired.  Between dealing with the ex, the kids, the lawyers, looking for a job, and trying to salvage what is left of my business....I'm tired. 

 

I can barely stand. 

 

I'm going to try to sleep. 

 

Try is the key word here. 

 

I now feel pain.  I'm not talking about the joint pain that is keeping me from sleeping.  Yeah, I'm wearing those exercise shoes they recalled a few years ago.  They're the only tennis shoes I own. 

I think they are killing my knees and ankles.  The pain is keeping me awake at night.

 

That kind of pain is nothing. 

 

When a man whom you love tells you that he is unlovable, that hurts.  When a man is beautiful to you and says he's not worth anything because he's not a Brad Pitt look-a-like, that hurts.  When the same man tell you that he will never find anyone that loves him, that hurts, too. 

 

I finally realized what I want in a relationship.  I always knew.  I just didn't have words for it.  I want unconditional love.  I give it.  I get taken advantage of for it.  In the past, my ex told me that he knew I'd love him no matter what, so he behaved badly. 

 

The problem with that is that he didn't love me unconditionally.  In fact, he didn't love me at all. 

 

I want unconditional love with respect.  I want the freedom to be myself.  I want someone to feel free to be who he is.  I want a partner. 

 

I don't understand why I love my friend.  I just do.  Maybe there doesn't need to be a reason. 

 

Funny thing, my spiritual guru friend promised to send me a spelled necklace and a ritual to bring me what I need to fix the situation. 

 

I was expecting a 'get a job' spell.  She sent a beauty spell and a lust spell ritual. 

 

Alrighty then...  

 

Maybe I need to sleep on it.  I need a little more perspective. 

 

I did get a real reading from a professional astrologer and it scared the holy heck out of me. 

 

No one believes in that?  Do they? 

 

Holy crap, it was accurate...right down to the piece about me opening my mouth when he has a beautiful moment and spoiling the atmosphere.   He does seem to get jealous when I give my pocket change to homeless people or advice to men wanting to be politicians (until he understands what I am doing).

 

Wow...

For yucks and giggles, I'll post part of it. 

I guess the major point of it is saying is that communication and honesty is the key.  It is that way in any relationship.

Perhaps it is time to be more honest about what I feel.  It's not like he can't sense it.  He can. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

His Sun Conjunct her Venus:

You enjoy a high degree of harmony and congeniality in your relationship. You have much in common in terms of styles, tastes, and entertainments. You work together well on projects that involve a strong aesthetic, artistic, or social element.

His Sun Square Her Saturn (aka I'm crappy for him):

 

 She tends to be too critical of him and he tends to be too sensitive to the criticism; the combination can be disastrous! He may try to ignore the problem, but ignoring the problem will not cause the problem to disappear. On the positive side, you are often able to work together effectively in meeting challenges and responsibilities. However, the tendency to become overly concerned with your responsibilities and be too conservative, cautious, and restrictive towards each other must not get out of hand, or you will both feel severely confined and restricted by being together.

His Sun Sextile her Jupiter:

The two of you really enjoy each other's company! She has a great deal of confidence in him and is able to see his best qualities. You are very encouraging and supportive of each other, helping each other to be more confident, open new doors, and advance and grow in both inner and outer ways. This positive note of good will and harmony is also invaluable in helping the two of you overcome differences in temperament and other stressful aspects of your relationship discussed elsewhere in this report.

Sun Conjunct Venus

This aspect signifies that you just plainly love each other. The attraction is so strong between you that even though you may be incompatible by other standards, you still feel like being with your partner because of that love you feel for them. It's not that they won't occasionally drive you nuts - they will. It's just that the bottom line is that there is real love between you and there is no stronger emotion in the universe.

By being together you can create beauty and form as well as appreciate art and music. Your home can easily be filled with "treasures" that reflect the talents you have. But as always with Venus, be careful of overindulging in the good things of life so they do not become a noose around your neck instead of an object of desire. Remember, the more things you have, the more trouble you are likely to have. You will not mind showing off what you have accrued together, but vanity can become an undesired side effect of this aspect if it is not kept in check.

Avoid hiding any difficulties in your relationship and bring them out in the open so they can be resolved or at least recognized in order to avoid major problems down the road. You may also be drawn to speculative ventures with this aspect, so just remember to be practical in your expenditures.

With this configuration, no matter what difficulties come along to challenge you, you will always feel a need and desire to make peace, reconcile and create harmony and cooperation in your relationship. This aspect offers a great stability that will keep you from turning against each other, unless the obstacles become totally overwhelming.

A great deal of time and effort can be put into social activities and if you are involved in creative ventures together, then this aspect adds support and form to your ideas.

Sun Square Neptune (aka lack of realism)

Step back and take a long, hard look at this relationship. What do you see? Chances are you see the illusion of what it is rather than the reality. What you see in each other is a fantasy of sorts, full of hope, dreams, romance and balance, which only has its place in a magician's act. This relationship has the potential to confuse and deceive you because of the wonderful picture it paints.

Honesty will have to play a big part in this relationship if it is to succeed, and even at that, someone you trust should be employed as a third party sounding board before any big decisions are made or even considered.

It may be that you refuse to face the truth about what this relationship really is. One or both of you may out-and-out lie and deceive the other. "I'll save you!", should perhaps be the theme of this aspect, as one or both of you tries to save the other through total sacrifice to your partner, thus furthering the delusions in your relationship. The thing to remember is that neither of you can rescue the other no matter what you perceive their problems to be. If you try, then you will drown along with them. One lesson of this relationship is that you must learn to relate to each other as equals and not to impose unrealistic expectations on the other.

Financial or business arrangements should NEVER be the prime factor for a relationship with this aspect, as things will end in disaster. Misunderstandings, failure, deception, scandal, and drug, drinking or gambling problems surround this energy.

There is a high level of sexual and romantic attraction between you; however, your rhythms are occasionally out of synch. When one of you is in a moment of intense desire but the other is feeling more aloof, the result may be jealousy and an attempt on the more amorous partner's part to dominate the other. Thus, while you have a great sexual connection, your relationship in general may experience some fluctuations.

You share an almost irresistible sexual attraction to one another, and it's been this way from the very beginning. You most likely became "more than friends" relatively quickly and early in your involvement. The best thing about your union is that this intensity is unlikely to fade! You have a truly emotional and deep connection, and your sex life is likely to remain active and fulfilling for the duration of your relationship.

Your sexual relationship is stormy and fiery. You're both quite passionate and feel an intense attraction to one another. Take care to avoid jealousy and possessiveness. As they say, you may not know what you've got until it's gone.

His Sun Conjunct her Venus:

You share a great warmth and mutual appreciation, admiration and love. Your sexual relationship is quite harmonious. You have much in common in terms of your styles, tastes and enjoyment of the same pleasures, which are usually of the slow and sweet variety. In many ways he embodies all that she finds attractive and beautiful, both physically and temperamentally, and she almost always makes a special effort to please him. He responds energetically and feels great love and loyalty for her. This is an excellent match!

His Venus Conjunct Her Pluto:

The sexual attraction between you is very powerful, but is likely to have an intense, obsessive quality to it. Jealousy, sexual manipulation or unrestrained emotional fervor are probable for the two of you. A love-hate kind of relationship is very possible.