If everything goes well, it will be.
I'm not going to burn his house down, just the legal bridge.
*****
I should probably state that I personally have trouble with this song. It triggers a lot for me. My step-father murdered my mother when he drunk and jealous. She died on her 36th birthday.
Jealous men always know how to ruin special occasions.
Jealous men always know how to ruin special occasions.
I will never tolerate another jealous man in my life. I only want one man. I'm too stupid to keep track of more than one at a time. If my heart loves one man, there is no room for another.
If my heart loves a jealous man, it is going to have to learn to stop.
If my heart loves a jealous man, it is going to have to learn to stop.
It's still beating for him.
It'll stop soon. It has too.
I always thought that he was a gift to me from Isis and Osiris. A witch friend asked me what I wanted in a man. I wrote it down. She cast a spell. asking that I find someone I could love like Isis loves Osiris. Steve showed up. When my friend described him back to me, I realized what she had done. He fit the description right down to his appearance. He was the age, the build, personality, political ideology, intellectual ability, and had the occupation, hobbies, and physical appearance I had written down.
At first, I thought it was a little creepy.
It'll stop soon. It has too.
I always thought that he was a gift to me from Isis and Osiris. A witch friend asked me what I wanted in a man. I wrote it down. She cast a spell. asking that I find someone I could love like Isis loves Osiris. Steve showed up. When my friend described him back to me, I realized what she had done. He fit the description right down to his appearance. He was the age, the build, personality, political ideology, intellectual ability, and had the occupation, hobbies, and physical appearance I had written down.
At first, I thought it was a little creepy.
I think I know why Isis brought Steve to me and sent him off when she did.
He would lecture me about freedom and taking responsibility for it. Yes, he is responsible for my renewed attempt at my Independence Day despite the stalkers repeated attempts to get me lost in learned helplessness.
Our last online conversation centered around Ritalin. There was bitching about politics and school districts breaking the law. I couldn't figure out why I was so bothered by it all this time. This has been a sore spot with me since 1997!
I realized today that I am hooked on a drug similar to Ritalin.
I never realized it before.
As a kid, after my mom died, I became hooked on diet pills. The kind I took are illegal now but at the time you could get them for less than a dollar at the local pharmacy. They are amphetamines.
We never had food at the foster home. Diet pills took the edge off.
I got married, knocked up, and stopped taking diet pills. Green tea and diet soda became my uppers.
I was 149 pounds when my ex lost his job and couldn't buy food. I went to look for the diet pills because they are cheaper than groceries. I found out that they are not legal to buy any more, so I made my own.
Yes, I knew a chemist back in the day. I even make my own cosmetics via chemistry. It's not all about drugs.
I don't need to cook the cocktail.
It's just a mix of common herbs and OTC things.
It cures my sinusitis, too. We had lost our insurance. My allergies never gave me fits when I made my stuff.
I quit taking them during my political stint because they made me feel anxious while giving speeches. Worse, the abuse and stalking became really bad, so I couldn't take the concoction any more.
I was jittery as it was.
My weight ballooned. The only food I had in the house was flour and sugar (a throw back to my Mormon days....we always stock up on flour and sugar). I'm not used to eating so many carbs. I chunked out!
I ended up going to a doctor two months ago and he gave me a prescription for an amphetamine to help me lose weight. I could barely walk due to the pressure the extra 35 pounds exerted on my knees, ankles, and hips.
I can't eat on these damn things.
Food makes me want to throw up.
I don't know how to explain it.
It can look good. I can think I want to eat it but the moment it touches my mouth, I get sick.
This afternoon, I noticed that my chest is beginning to bother me despite the protein shakes I down. I will literally break out into a cold sweat, the room will go dark, and get dizzy This started a couple of days ago.
I realized it is the drug. I'm going to see someone to get weaned off of them.
Even though Steve may have broken my heart, I think he saved it on level. I think he saved me from having a heart attack.
Is this irony?
I hope Isis has someone wonderful in store for Steve. He's a good man, even if he hasn't quite found his activist legs yet. He will. We all go through that 'down with government' phase before we realize that we have to work within the system that exists in order to change it.
I'm going to try to sleep more than three hours tonight.
Fifteen years ago, it because I was sleeping with a guy.
Now it's because I'm hooked on crap.
Oh, that song certainly gives me one heck of an idea for some self-hypnosis. Maybe I can replace food and a drug with a certain type of exercise?
Hmmmm......where does one find a partner for something like that?
And I am not going to the hypnotist convention. There is a guy there who know exactly what I'm talking about.
When he was a student, he wanted to know the worst misadventure I've ever had with hypnosis. I told him, so he wouldn't ruin a woman.
Yep, I trained my ex to get me to have an O whenever he wanted me too. It was bad. He coupled it with colors. He anchored it to flowers. He anchored it to the soles of my feet. I quickly found that I had to hold my breath whenever I saw pink roses, pink lace, the color chartreuse, or walked anywhere with a lumpy surface (e.g. on a brick sidewalk or barefoot in the sand).
If I didn't hold my breath, I would scream.
It was very intense, tiring, and embarrassing.
I almost wrecked my van when I drove past a rose garden on a sunny summer day.
I had to get de-hypnotized when I started cumming while walking around with an ex-boyfriend who couldn't stop staring at me when ever I sat in front of a certain lime green painting. Apparently, I was stroking the straw to my iced coffee. He offered to buy me several.
What a gentleman.
Fortunately, another hypnotic gentleman cured me of it.
And, of course, I had to buy the painting!
Don't tell!!
It's a test.
And, NO, I can look at it now and not utter a sound.
It hangs above my headboard.
If I ever scream in that place again, it'll be because I'm not alone.
I realized today that I am hooked on a drug similar to Ritalin.
I never realized it before.
As a kid, after my mom died, I became hooked on diet pills. The kind I took are illegal now but at the time you could get them for less than a dollar at the local pharmacy. They are amphetamines.
We never had food at the foster home. Diet pills took the edge off.
I got married, knocked up, and stopped taking diet pills. Green tea and diet soda became my uppers.
I was 149 pounds when my ex lost his job and couldn't buy food. I went to look for the diet pills because they are cheaper than groceries. I found out that they are not legal to buy any more, so I made my own.
Yes, I knew a chemist back in the day. I even make my own cosmetics via chemistry. It's not all about drugs.
I don't need to cook the cocktail.
It's just a mix of common herbs and OTC things.
It cures my sinusitis, too. We had lost our insurance. My allergies never gave me fits when I made my stuff.
I quit taking them during my political stint because they made me feel anxious while giving speeches. Worse, the abuse and stalking became really bad, so I couldn't take the concoction any more.
I was jittery as it was.
My weight ballooned. The only food I had in the house was flour and sugar (a throw back to my Mormon days....we always stock up on flour and sugar). I'm not used to eating so many carbs. I chunked out!
I ended up going to a doctor two months ago and he gave me a prescription for an amphetamine to help me lose weight. I could barely walk due to the pressure the extra 35 pounds exerted on my knees, ankles, and hips.
I can't eat on these damn things.
Food makes me want to throw up.
I don't know how to explain it.
It can look good. I can think I want to eat it but the moment it touches my mouth, I get sick.
This afternoon, I noticed that my chest is beginning to bother me despite the protein shakes I down. I will literally break out into a cold sweat, the room will go dark, and get dizzy This started a couple of days ago.
I realized it is the drug. I'm going to see someone to get weaned off of them.
Even though Steve may have broken my heart, I think he saved it on level. I think he saved me from having a heart attack.
Is this irony?
I'm going to try to sleep more than three hours tonight.
Fifteen years ago, it because I was sleeping with a guy.
Now it's because I'm hooked on crap.
*****
Oh no, an old song just jumped into my head. This happens when I'm too exhausted to sleep.
Oh, that song certainly gives me one heck of an idea for some self-hypnosis. Maybe I can replace food and a drug with a certain type of exercise?
Hmmmm......where does one find a partner for something like that?
And I am not going to the hypnotist convention. There is a guy there who know exactly what I'm talking about.
When he was a student, he wanted to know the worst misadventure I've ever had with hypnosis. I told him, so he wouldn't ruin a woman.
Yep, I trained my ex to get me to have an O whenever he wanted me too. It was bad. He coupled it with colors. He anchored it to flowers. He anchored it to the soles of my feet. I quickly found that I had to hold my breath whenever I saw pink roses, pink lace, the color chartreuse, or walked anywhere with a lumpy surface (e.g. on a brick sidewalk or barefoot in the sand).
If I didn't hold my breath, I would scream.
It was very intense, tiring, and embarrassing.
I almost wrecked my van when I drove past a rose garden on a sunny summer day.
I had to get de-hypnotized when I started cumming while walking around with an ex-boyfriend who couldn't stop staring at me when ever I sat in front of a certain lime green painting. Apparently, I was stroking the straw to my iced coffee. He offered to buy me several.
What a gentleman.
Fortunately, another hypnotic gentleman cured me of it.
And, of course, I had to buy the painting!
Don't tell!!
It's a test.
And, NO, I can look at it now and not utter a sound.
It hangs above my headboard.
If I ever scream in that place again, it'll be because I'm not alone.
Love ya,
S.