Hiding in a Hell Hole

 

Today I am thankful that I can hide in a hell hole.

 

 

I don't know where to begin. 

 

 

I'm almost to the point of asking for psych drugs so I don't feel so horrid anymore. 

 

 

The therapists think it is a good idea to let my ex stay in this house through the holidays. 

 

 

I can't see my friend when he is here. 

 

So, I'm going to try to break off my new relationship.  I tried setting boundaries but it became a nightmare.  I'm going to try to stop crying so that I can actually return telephone calls without sounding like an emotional mess.

 

I do not know how to explain what is going on. 

 

I'll try....

 

 

Whenever I go to leave the house, my ex makes snide remarks about my 'getting lucky' and being with someone new.  It's annoying. 

 

 

It hurts, especially when it is followed by him claiming that he'll never date again. 

 

I feel guilty and dirty. 

 

He does this in front of the kids. 

 

God only knows what he says when I'm gone. 

 

It stresses me out.

 

I've decided not to leave the house. 

 

He was supposed to split the assets and be out of the house tomorrow as per the court agreement. 

 

It's not going to happen.  

 

He wants to stay through the holidays -but- he says it is so he can get me back. 

 

I've made it clear, I will never have sex with him again. 

 

I'm never going to be his. 

 

It may as well be over. 

 

The furnace is out.  The washer is broken.  The sewer is backing up.  If he stays, I'm gonna ask him to earn his keep. 

 

I cannot deal with him anymore.  I have to find a way to get away. 

 

My "friend" isn't acting much better. 

 

*****

 

My "friend" has this interesting way of testing my libido. 

 

He goes on the attack to force me to "justify my desire."

 

I've been accused of not living life. 

 

I've been accused of hating sex.

 

It hurts. 

 

There was a time when I wanted him more than anything on the planet. 

 

Then he moved in to kiss me, he grabbed my neck, and I froze. 

 

I haven't been able to go near him since. 

 

In therapy, I realized why....one of my previous exes liked to choke me until I lost consciousness.  He nearly killed me.  This is probably why I froze.  This is probably why three weeks worth of sex hypnosis isn't doing me a lick of good. 

 

I need to work on my fear surrounding someone grabbing my neck. 

 

So, I'm in therapy working on that. 

He wants me to seduce him every Friday.  I can't do that.  Realizing that I could not meet his needs, I tried to ask for more time. 

 

He went nuts. 

 

He went to Facebook to whine about being a "bad boyfriend" and hating doing the "boyfriend shit". 

 

I haven't been to Facebook since. 

 

I'm hurt. 
 

*****

 

When I think of a bad boyfriend, I think of a bad boyfriend....

 

I think of letting me fly fish near an open stream.....ah...but this one thinks fellatio is over rated.

I think of dangerous things.

 

I think of all sorts of nasty things that I'm terrified to broach now because, quite frankly, I don't know what is acceptable. 

 

I don't mind having a bad boyfriend. 

 

I'd rather prefer a bad (read uninhibited) one to a mundane one. 

 

If bad refers to constant arguing and nit-picking, I'd rather be alone. 

 

*****

 

To effin' top it all off, my phone is busted. 

 

It got wet and it's doing weird crap like sending bizarre texts to people.  I had to turn it off. 

 

 

I can't win for losing. 

 

 

I'm tired. 

 

 

But on the bright side, I think I'll get some peace and quiet in my hell hole. 

 

 

*****

I'm in tears. 

 

I have burn marks from the salt on my face. 

 

I'm not leaving the house any time soon.

 

I'll consider writing more when I can stop crying enough to type. 

I'd rather be alone than play games and running to Facebook with our issues really upsets me.

It hurts me.  The only thing I can hope for is another woman will see it and take him in. 

I can't deal with it anymore. 

I've lost my best friend. 

*****

 

It's bizarre how one can become accustomed to celibacy. 

 

I mean, really, I don't know how to sleep with a man anymore. 

I can't figure out how to relax and let go. 

 

I can't figure out how to be sexy and fun. 

 

I guess I am used to being alone. 

 

At this point, it is easier. 

 

*****

There is one problem with having a "fake marriage."

 

My ex called our set up a "fake marriage." 

 

It was fake.

 

You get used to being alone. 

 

You get used to questioning your worth, your appearance, your value. 

 

I didn't expect to fall in love with a friend.

 

He became pushy the moment my ex and I signed the divorce agreement.

 

I relented.

 

I shouldn't have done that.

 

The moment a man you love criticizes you and claims you cannot meet his needs, you agree that, yeah....you can't.

 

I have thus decided that I do not want a relationship. 

 

My heart hurts.

 

My eyes are swollen.

 

My mind is clear. 

 

I can't do this. 

 

I can't. 

 

So.....

 

I'll try to find a way to make sure my "friend" knows it's over.

 

I can't meet his needs.

 

I don't want all of his Facebook friends knowing it, either.

 

That's what hurts me the most. 

 

He took it to Facebook before talking to me. 

 

*****

 

Of course, now that I have adamantly broken things off with my friend, my ex is willing to move out. 

 

Yeah.....

 

I'm wondering if this is what he wanted.

 

To see me shaking in pain. 

 

Of course, he won't give me a concrete timeline. 

 

Sigh.....

 

NPD is fun, isn't it? 

 

*****

 

I'm in pain. 

I'm off to nurse my broken heart. 

It's funny.  I paid a coven to do a "letting go" spell for me and my ex.  I guess I'll be letting go of more than one man this time around. 

Isn't it weird how that works?  Wow...

Happy Samhain,

S.

 

 



Projection

Today I am thankful for the gift of another person's projection. 

Yeah....

My ex claimed that my best friend is controlling. 

Then he said that it could be projection. 

I went running off to a shrink. 

Yeah....they both are acting a little bizarrish. 

One...well, could be acting out due to sexual tension. 

The other....well....it is projection. 

*****

I figured out why my ex won't move out. 

I figured out why the assets aren't being split or why the divorce agreement doesn't count. 

He's still got control. 

Oh....that's easy to remedy. 

Wow....

 

*****

 

I spent the day with minimal male contract. 

 

 

I am so proud of myself. 

 

 

I didn't call my friend when I found snowshoes and related equipment for $10.00 a set on closeout. 

 

 

Nope....

 

 

I didn't say a peep. 

 

 

I am so flippin' proud of myself!!! 

 

 

I felt happy. 

 

 

I had time to reflect on my life between 2009 and 2011. 

 

 

I was happy for that brief time. 


Thomas, my high school sweetheart, had come back to visit a couple of times.  There is something that happens when your old flame re-enters your life and notices that you're still the same sickly sweet, anorexic, dirty-minded, lazy, guitar lusting a-hole that can't sing a note. 

He said I was the same person that I used to be. 

 

I had to prove Thomas wrong. 


So...


I took singing lessons. 

I took on the local politicians. 

I gained lots of weight (because I took up hard liquor).  The secret to losing weight is sleeping pills.  If I take two right before I want to drink a glass full of rum, I fall asleep before I can make my blood sugar go through the roof. 

 

It's all good.

I reveled in my celibacy. 

 

I started a business, gave speeches, wrote blogs, and had several articles published in professional journals. 

 

I was happy. 

I rarely saw my ex. 

We planned to divorce the moment he found a job. 

 

That took him several years. 

 

I was free. 

 

It was nice. 

 

I met my friend in 2011. 

He was adorable, funny, and had the prettiest blue eyes.

I wrote him off because he reminded me of Thomas. 

 

Isn't that evil? 

 

They have the same occupation, the same title, the same mannerisms, and they were too much alike or me to deal with. 

 

Thomas is monk like with regard to me. 

 

It took my friend 48 hours to proposition me for sex.

 

I declined. 

 

That's when I realized the two of them were nothing alike.

They are very different.  Thank goodness. 

 

I started walking on air and tried to hide it. 

 

I pressed forward with the divorce and the stalking got worse, the money went missing, and my ex got weird. 

 

So....I think I'm seeing a pattern. 

 

When my friend left me, my ex agreed to the divorce. 

 

When he came back, my ex changed his mind. 

 

So....I'm thinking that my love interest is why my ex is hanging around. 

 

If I break it off...will things change? 

 

Maybe if I ignore my ex....things will change. 

 

*****

 

I am almost to the point of keeping a man journal. 

 

I decided to keep track of all the hours I devote to the ex and all the hours I devote to my best friend. 

 

Today it would have read 30 minutes for Steve (took pictures of sports equipment, hunted for a gift, and emailed him) and 45 minutes for the ex (made him dinner and spoke to him about moving out).

I need to invest more time in my real relationships than the one I'm trying to leave. 

 

I'm sure that sounds stupid.  Maybe this will help me understand why my ex is still hanging around. 

 

I'm loyal to the wrong man.  That needs to stop.    

 

This could be why my relationship is failing. 

I'm off to read a book my friend thinks will help our communication.  That ought to take an hour, so by the time I fall asleep my friend will be ahead of the game in time commitment.

 

Still.....this is an interesting exercise. 

 

 

*****

 

Today I decided to be myself again. 

 

I want to be who I was before the stalking got to be a problem.  

 

I want to be the person I was when I met my friend. 

 

I want to go back to doing those things that I like to do. 

 

I want to be me again. 

 

I want to laugh.  I want to play.  I want to enjoy life. 

 

I am going to work on that now. 

 

*****

 

With my ex, it is all about control. 

 

 

So, if I take that control away....it will stop. 

 

 

I have a couple of ideas. 

 

 

Two ideas to be precise.....

 

 

One involves welcoming my ex to stay through the holidays (my idea...he won't do it). 

The other involves a Pagan ritual. 

 

And.....I want to say that if you have been living with an ex....and you don't want to sleep with him....keep earrings, needles, and books on your bed.  If he tries to crawl into bed with you, he'll get a nasty surprise. 

 

I made the mistake of cleaning off my bed the other day.  For seven years, I slept with stuff on my bed.  Last week, I thought I'd clean it just in case I had a visitor.  

 

That was dumb. 

 

On Sunday, I was sick.  Every time I tried to leave my room, my 425 pound ex would chase me back up the stairs and into my room.  He said he did this because I was sick.  Eventually he followed me into my bedroom and lay on my bed to cry. 

Nothing happened.  I'm prude.  Kids were home.  I was wearing lots of unsexy clothes.  I was hacking up half a lung and smelled very unsanitary.

Lesson learned.   

 

There are needles on my bed now. 

 

If you meet a redhead with needle marks in her arm, that may be me. 

 

Hey....don't judge!! 

 

******

 

I don't know. 

 

I am realizing what is happening. 

I am realizing how funky this looks. 

 

I am wondering if they still sell chastity belts. 

 

Just teasing about that. 

Men lose an inch of the fun stuff for every 35 pounds they are overweight. 

 

At 400+ pounds, my ex may have an innie. 

I don't want to know. 

I'm gonna bet my ex doesn't want me to know. 

 

I don't think I have to worry about sexual assault. 

Still....

I need to scheme a way to get the peace back into my life. 

 

He's not a bad man.  He's just hurt, self-absorbed, and NPD and there is crazy shit due to that. 

I'm a bad girl because I'm making fun of the situation.  I really shouldn't do that. 

He's a good man and he's better when he's far away from me. 

 

Yes....let me find a way to solve this. 

 

Wish me luck. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 


Ending a Romance

 

 

Today I am thankful for realizing that my romance is probably over. 

My friend is hurt.

He doesn't know why. 

In recent days, he's made fun of my religion.  He claims he isn't. 

He's telling me that I hate sex.  I don't hate sex. 

There are few opportunities for us to hook up. 

When it comes to my home, I need to get my ex out of my house before bringing it into my home turf.

Guess who agreed to move out this evening? 

Yeah.....

I can't help but feel that this is too little too late.

I've lost my best friend, though. 

He'll realize that I'm not the one for him soon enough. 

How do I know he's gone?

He walks ahead of me at a brisk pace like he can't get away from me fast enough.

He's always looking at me in disbelief. 

He has a mocking laugh, like he can't believe the things I tell him. 

He takes a lot of the things I say out of context and reads them as insults when they are not.

I'm not the one for him. 

It hurts. 

I'm in pain. 

He's in pain. 

I don't know what to do. 

Do I tell him what I see? 

Do I wait for him to reach the same conclusion?

It shouldn't take too much longer. 

What happened? 

It is like we fell in love too soon. 

If we had met after my divorce was final, the story may be different. 

Things happen for a reason. 

May he find his true love soon. 

Love ya,

S.

 

Lessons About Love

Today I am thankful for my recent lessons about love.

The past three weeks have been a wild ride between my friend and I. 

I have to say that I have learned a lot. 

Here are a few examples of what I have learned within the past month. 

1.)  It's a myth that it takes three weeks to learn a habit. 

Habits can become instantaneous quite quickly.

The 'I love you' daily habit started without warning. 

The feeling of being on fire near a love was the result of one trial learning as well. 

This all came about fairly quick.  

One experience of being set aflame is all it takes for those nerves to gain that memory. 

Now, I can't sit near him without squirming. 

2.)  A relationship can come about prior to its being defined. 

Whenever two people spend time together, they are in some kind of relationship. 

We were in a relationship even if we were in denial about it. 

It was only defined because it felt like a relationship. 

That was shocking to me. 

3.)  Love is not about the circumstances that bring it forward: Love is about changing the circumstances to fit one's desires and needs. 

This is the strangest lesson.  I can't verbalize it. 

If we want something bad enough, we will make it so. 

The trick is being honest about what one wants and needs. 

4.) Love is the most powerful emotion in the universe. 

If it comes and one is ill prepared for it, there is no denying it. 

It will make itself known. 

One can only ignore it.  It won't leave of its own accord. 

Someone may drive you completely bonkers, someone may say things that make you uncomfortable, someone may worry you......

but it doesn't matter.

You want to work it out just because of the love that you feel for the other person.  

I've prayed for years that he finds someone available, someone prettier, someone wealthier, and someone younger.  He hasn't. 

I just want him to be happy. 

When I'm not around, he doesn't seem very happy. 

So, I'll stay. 

I would do anything for his happiness, even if it means sharing things about myself I'd prefer to keep hidden. 

This must be the real thing. 

The truth is that I'm not sure we will make it together as a couple.

Even so, I am still thankful for the lessons. 

Love ya,

S.  

Sage Sticks

Today I am thankful for sage sticks.

 

 

My ex was at the house all week. 

 

 

I don't think he showered at all. 

 

 

The entire house smells like a dirty old man. 

 

 

My bedroom doesn't.  It smells like rum and roses. 

 

 

The rest of the house, though, smells like a man who doesn't use toilet paper. 

 

 

*****

 

 

He was supposed to move out on Monday. 

 

 

The only boxes that have been packed are the ones that I packed for him. 

 

 

The closer that Friday came, the more distraught I became. 

 

 

By Friday evening, I was distraught. 

 

 

By Saturday, I didn't care anymore. 

 

 

*****

 

We cannot communicate. 

 

 

That may be my fault. 

 

 

I'll ask him what he wants. 

 

 

Never, ever ask your ex what he wants. 

 

 

Sex.....when he loses 200 pounds.....someday.....far away....and he wants to stay until he decides to go on a diet. 

 

 

Uh......I've put up with this for years. 

 

 

Uh....NO!

 

 

So.....

 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

I don't know that I care anymore. 

 

 

I'm hypoglycemic. 

 

 

I'm eating candy. 

My diet today consisted of 1,062 calories of sour gummy worms and two liters of diet Dr. Pepper.

I think that is suicidal for me to eat candy knowing that I'll go into sugar shock. 

 

 

I truly don't care anymore. 

 

 

*****

 

 

I did try speaking to my ex this morning. 

 

My ex knows that I'm in love with my best friend.

 

He knows that it is over.   He tells me that he's been in denial. 

 

Yes.....

 

*****

 

He doesn't know that my best friend and I will break up. 

 

I won't tell him. 

 

How do I know we are breaking up?

 

That's easy. 

 

My friend can't walk beside me.  He walks at an incredibly fast pace, ahead of me, like he can't get away fast enough. 

He does push for things I cannot give yet. 

I mean, I want to jump on him.  I want to sit in his lap.  I want to do all sorts of fun erotic things....

when my hair doesn't smell like my house. 

My house smells like my ex. 

It's hard to want sex with the man I love when the stale aroma of my ex's farts is in my hair.

Alas....unless I live in a hotel room away from the offending odors, my dear love and I are done. 

 

It hurts. 

 

I can cope with it.   

 

The issue?

 

My ex won't move out and I can't remove the stench from my hair. 

That smell.....I cannot tolerate that smell. 

I can....get rid of it....if I bathe in apple cider vinegar and use castile soap.  I also have to run out of the house before my hair dries. 

That's a hard trick on cold days. 

 

*****

 

So......my ex is supposed to split the family finances with me on November 1st and move out. 

 

 

He's a control freak.  He now claims that he doesn't have to honor the agreement until the divorce is final. 

 

 

That will be January 9th at 1:30 p.m.  I choose that day because my ex said that if I divorced him in 2013, he'd get a tax bill. 

 

 

He lied. 

 

The ninth was the first 2014 date available at the courthouse.   I could have had this done last month. 

 

I should have had this done last month. 

 

This morning he claimed that is staying here until January 9th. 

 

 

Uh....no...

 

Now, he's negotiating being out the last Friday of November.   

 

That could be do-able. 

 

*****

 

I don't care anymore. 

 

I really don't. 

 

I feel like I've lost the only reason I had for moving on. 

 

I'm alone. 

 

I will continue to be alone. 

 

There is no hurry now. 

 

*****

 

My loyalties are screwed up. 

 

I have an urge to be more loyal to my best friend than my ex. 

 

I assumed that if I were nice to my ex, the stalking will stop -and- he'll move out. 

 

That's the problem. 

 

I am giving too much of my precious energy to someone who is ill deserving of it. 

 

My beloved is entitled to more than what he is getting.  My ex wasted what he was given. 

 

I should really get away and get my bearings.  I am a different person when my ex leaves. 

I am so much happier.  On Thursday, I was excited.  I was smiling.  I was happy.  I was walking on air.  I knew my life had finally changed. 

 

I was in love.  I knew I could invite my friend to be a part of my life. 

 

I felt safe. 

I could go back to work without fear of stalking.

 

I was happy. 

I was smiling and laughing. 

 

I felt beautiful. 

By Friday, I realized that this saga wasn't over. 

 

I went downstairs to get something and my ex approached me naked. 

I didn't look. 

I could smell it. 

I left. 

 

I've felt ill and upset ever since. 

 

It's not over.

*****

 

Today is supposed to be his weekend with the kids.  He had things planned with them. 


I wasn't feeling well.  I'm coughing.  I took a nap and awoke to meditate at a park, give my offering to Isis to the birds (wheat bread for the birds, fish for the feral cats).   I was going to go to the metaphysical store for some tea and incense.

 

That's when I noticed that my ex had left the house but left the kids with me.  He didn't tell me this. 

So, I stayed home wondering what in the heck is going on. 

*****

The crazy crap will go on in perpetuity, won't it? 

 

If I want a relationship with another human being, I have to find a way to give that person more time and attention than my ex. 

 

The problem is that sane people won't ask for your time and attention. 

Crazy people do crazy shit to get it. 

 

 

There has to be a balance. 

 

 

How do I find it? 

 

 

*****

 



 

Maybe I'll go hang out with my musician buddies. 

 

I don't really like hanging out with them when I feel this way. 

 

They try to get me laid. 

 

Thankfully, though, I'm still in my "NO" mode. 

 

I thought I found the right guy to say yes, too. 

 

I think I was wrong. 

 

Love ya,

 

S. 

 

 



 



 



Sadness

Today I am thankful for the truth but not thankful for fake friendships.

Ugh....

My Scorpio buddy, the cross dressing one, usually gets a birthday gift the first week of November.  

He's five years my junior. 

We could never be a couple because I'm too old for him. 

We've discussed this. 

He wants a younger lady. 

I've known him for seven years.  He chases off men who come on too strong.  We have the same last name, so people think we are related. 

He's my friend. 

He's an over-protective friend but

he is my friend. 

Well....he was my friend. 

This year he wanted homemade peanut butter cookies. 

I promised to send them earlier this year. 

Then, I changed my relationship status. 

He's angry. 

He's upset. 

He doesn't want me to fuss over him anymore because there is a new man in my life. 

I am so floored! 

I am so sad. 

I am numb. 

Since when does my having a love interest negate my friendships. 

It must've been fake. 

I pray he finds whatever he needs. 

Wow....

Love ya,

S. 

My Lost Voice

Today I am thankful that I lost my voice.

 

 

I can't yell at dork muffins because I lost my voice. 

 

 

I lost my voice on Sunday. 

 

 

I was in a parking lot. 

 

 

I found myself screaming at a man who was screaming at me. 

 

 

Why? 

 

 

Well.....

 

 

 

I was planning a tiny birthday party for the girls to throw for their father. 

 

 

He's complaining about being alone. 

 

 

They always threw birthday parties for him that I planned. 

 

 

I took him out get a sense of what he wanted for his birthday.  He is a virtual stranger to me. 

 

 

I had no clue what he wants or needs. 

 

 

I took him to a shopping center a few blocks from where my love and I work and I turned him lose. 

 

 

While shopping, he's chatting.....

 

 

He lets it slip that he had no intention of ever moving out of the house....

 

 

he has no intention of divorcing me....

 

 

it has to happen....

 

 

but he won't let it happen....

 

 

and that he isn't a part of the stalking. 

 

 

I was so hurt. 

 

 

I started to cry. 

 

 

He raised his voice to me. 

 

 

I yelled back. 

 

 

"Never....EVER....lie to me again!" 

 

 

Those words flew from my lips as I grabbed my coat and started walking towards the transit station. 

  

He could have my car. 

 

I wanted to find someplace peaceful to live until he moved out.

 

I didn't care anymore. 

 

I had to get away. 

 

He followed me. 

 

He embarrassed me. 

 

I relented and went home with him. 

 

I went upstairs and sulked in my bedroom, like I've done since 2005. 

 

*****

 

I spent the next day baking for him. 

 

I made him lasagna (without tofu....I've never done that before).

 

I made him cake. 

 

He had Tirimisu.

 

I'll never have to do that again. 

 

I'll never have to make him a birthday dinner ever again. 

 

*****

 

The tires on my car are toast, so I'm not driving it around until the underlying issue is fixed. 

 

I was stuck at home. 

 

I wanted to make the best of it. 

 

Making him a birthday dinner does NOT mean I want to be with him. 

 

My heart is turned towards someone else. 

 

Today, though, I doubt my ex will ever leave.

 

*****

 

Jake was a friend of mine in high school.  He was too young to date me.  He was a freshman.  I was a senior.  I kept him free from hazing.  He was a huge football player, he kept boys from asking me out. 

 

I liked our arrangement. 

We were friends...that was it.

 

During my senior year, Jake would spend the day with me at school.  Then, he'd go to work and spend that time working alongside my ex at a local amusement park. 

  

For years, I had no idea that they knew each other.  All I knew was that Jake would speak of his best friend Mike.  He'd tell Mike about Siegfred. 

 

 

One day, Mike was looking at my high school yearbook and found an entry from Jake which read "you're a bigger flirt than me!" on page 103.  

 

 

He always wondered who the author of the signature in Jake's yearbook, page 103, which read "You're such a flirt!".

 

It was me. 

 

Jake and I go way back. 

 

Jake called yesterday. 

 

Apparently, my in-laws stalked him as well.  He was stalked by Mike's cousin during the time Jake lived with a woman Mike was interested in. 

Yes, Jake stole Mike's love interest.  Jake got the worst end of the deal.  The woman was a foreigner who was only interested in having an anchor baby; once she got pregnant - she disappeared. 

 

Jake was heartbroken. 

 

This means that I am not the first person to have been stalked. 

Jake warned me to stop arguing with Mike.  He told me just to take everything and not look back. 

 

My voice was barely there, so I did more listening than talking. 

 

This crap has permeated everyone and everything that I hold dear. 

 

It has even touched my old friends. 

 

I'm taking Jake's advice.

 

*****

 

I tried to talk to Mike today in order to firm up the plans. 

 

I got nowhere. 

 

 

My voice is gone. 

 

 

It is quite literally gone. 

 

 

He wants to stay here. 

 

 

He lied when he said we were getting divorced.  He claims that he said that so I wouldn't ask about the stalking anymore. 

 

 

Here's the deal.  I have court documents which say we are legally separated.  I have the signed divorce agreement that we struck two months ago. 

We could be divorced by now -but- I was informed that waiting until January would save my ex $5,000 in taxes.  I thought I was being kind. 

 

 

Perhaps the taxes are not the reason why he wanted me to put this off. 

 

 

How does one deal with this? 

 

 

*****

 

I thought telling my ex that I was in love with another man would stop it. 

 

 

NO....

 

 

I thought spending the night with my love would stop it.

 

 

NO....

 

 

I thought telling my ex how well endowed my love is would stop it. 

 

 

NO....

 

 

Seriously.....that would do it or most men. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

 

 

I'm not Mike's lover. 

 

 

I'm more like his mother. 

 

 

I think he wants to keep me in this role. 

 

 

The problem with that is that it prevents me from giving adequate energy to my love. 

 

 

How can I make love the center of my universe if I am mothering my ex? 

 

 

This is sooo weird. 

 

 

I should have burned the lasagna, huh? 

 

 

Maybe if I become the bad mommy.....

 

 

Maybe I don't do what he thinks I am supposed to do.....

 

 

Maybe then I can move forward? 

 

 

I don't know. 
 

 

Pray for me. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S. 

Edit: 

Yes, I am confused. 

Yes, I m angry. 

 No, this is not making sense.    

No, I have no idea what to do right now. 

No, I don't believe in getting the government involved in order to enforce a court order is a solution.

No, I do not believe that throwing my children's father out on the streets is a solution. 

Yes, I think if I had the truth about his motivations and behavior, I could make better decisions. 

Yes, I did schedule another appointment with my shrink today.  She has more experience dealing with NPD than I do.  I find her insights quite helpful. 


Although that entire appointment is going to look like a game of charades.  I miss my voice. 

Wow....

Edit after therapy:


In therapy we discussed what it was like to ' fall in love'.  I don't know. 

Did I fall in love with my best friend? 

If you fall in love, you can fall out.  I'm not falling anywhere. 

Sorry....

The shrink asked me lots of questions...

Do we have an attraction? 

Hell yeah....that's why I'm on fire. 

Do I love him? 

That's why I offered to set him up with a younger Libertarian INFJ because I'm a tad bit older than he is.  He didn't bite. 

Can I see myself with him? 

We both eat the same foods, like the same things, listen to similar music (except the death metal crap), have the same hobbies, pick on politicians....

I like looking into his eyes. 

Yeah....

Why do I hesitate? 

That's easy....

I hate marriage. 

I hate rebound relationships. 

I married every man I rebounded with. 

Okay...I married both of them. 

Both of them did criminal. things and I had to leave before I ended up dead or they ended up in prison. 

One only lasted 18 months.  The other lasted 22 years. 

I don't like marriage.  I've married both of my adult sexual partners.  I am having a hard time with the thought that I could....like....ruin my life by getting married again. 

Or worse, I could ruin his life!  

In my experience, sex leads to commitment.

Commitment leads to a loony bin type of situation. 

NO! 

I need to be sure that I do not endure any more crazy crap in my relationships. 

Why can't we slow down?

What if the shrinks are wrong and I have NPD?

What if I am insane? 

What if my behavior makes normal men lose their minds?

My friend has a fine mind. 

He needs to keep it!

*****

Why can't two people just be happy to be together? 

Hmmmmmm.......maybe my friend is just happy to be with me.

Maybe it is my shrink, my ex, my relatives, and my friends living in the future.  They are the ones pressing me as to whether or not I'm going to go forward and spend my life with my friend.  

I don't know. 

Maybe....

Maybe not....

Who knows? 

Oh....I think I found the problem. 

We are not living in the present!!!! 

*****

My friend keeps asking me what I want. 

I don't know.  If I find something that I want, I'd get it. 

My friend keeps asking me what I want to do. 

I don't know.  If I find something that I want to do, I'd do it. 

There are only a handful of things that I cannot do without a partner.  He's already shot me down on one of them. 

I don't know...

Maybe if I tell him that I want to practice living in the moment.....without planning dates....without worrying about tomorrow....and just be free to be me and to discuss what I am feeling in that particular moment....

maybe if I do that.....

maybe things will feel less awkward for me! 

Love ya!!!

S.










 

.

 

 



Miracles

Today I am thankful for miracles.

I was sad all day. 

I honestly thought that my ex would never move out. 

I honestly was beginning to believe that I would never get to the point of actually kissing my dear friend due to residual energy of my ex on my clothes.

My clothes are in this house.

My ex is in this house.

Everything in this house smells like my ex. 

My clothes smell like my ex. 

I cannot kiss anybody when I smell my ex. 

That smell has been associated with years and years of celibacy. 

I was sad about it. 

If I cannot kiss, I cannot continue my relationship with my friend. 

I can't seduce him into trying things that would spice life up a bit. 

I was depressed. 

I was soooo depressed that I actually ate a frozen Twinkie.  

I hate snack cakes. 

They look like little phallic symbols with cream filling. 

I froze it so I couldn't bite into it. 

I wanted to take my sweet time eating the caloric monster. 

I sucked on it.

Every suck made me cry. 

My ex watched the spectacle of the sobbing diet sabotage. 

So, my ex took pity on me and we struck an agreement.

This was the agreement. 

He will borrow $3,000 from the retirement account to move out of the house within the next two weeks. 

He will pay it back in $300 increments. 

If he can't do that, he'll give me that amount from the huge tax refund he's going to get because I put off the divorce until January. 

Sigh....

I feel so much lighter and happier. 

I'm going to stay positive. 

Wow....

Positive thinking works (in conjunction with sucking frozen phallic symbols while crying toxic tears of self-pity)!!!

I'm hoping the smudging stick works to get rid of the smell on my clothes, the house, and my car. 

Maybe things will work out after all.

Love ya,

S. 

Day-mares and Mountains

 

Today I am thankful for the realization that my nightmares pale in comparison to my day-mares.

Yeah....

My ex is 'liking' every freakin' post that I make on Facebook. 

He is even following my comments on groups that I am a part of. 

I'm not posting anymore. 

My friends are noticing and asking if I'm okay. 

I'm not. 

I'm wondering what would happen if I should start posting memes showing my appreciation for someone's beautiful gun. 

Would he like that, too? 

YIKES!!! 

I really want to run off and hide. 

I tried going incognito and changing my hair but it didn't work. 

I'm running off to the mountains, where there are no internet connections, no 3G services, and no crazy boring guys to drive me insane. 

Love ya,

S.

Edit: I am realizing that these men are not boring. 

I am. 

I'm going to try to find my groove. 

See ya later!

Singing

Today I am thankful for singing.

Yeah....

I put away the guitar. 

I gave up listenin' to rock n' roll. 

No more singing....

Birthday Cake

-or- Bad Girls

-or- Bang a Gong.

I'm running around singing mantras. 

Yep...

 

Ong Namo Guro Dev Namo

 

My translations for that is 'higher self tell me what in the heck I'm supposed to do before I go nuts!"

 

*****

 

 

I'm in love with my best friend of three years. 

 

I'm too scared to screw him because I'm afraid that I'm going to like it, get used to it, and he'll want to marry me and never touch me again. 

 

Yes, this has happened before. 

 

This guy.....ooh....

 

He's so clean I can eat off of him. 

 

He won't let me. 

It's not a bad thing. 

Maybe it has to do with ethics.....a rusty technique....or maybe we are incompatible and I just haven't figured it out yet. 

 

Holy crap.....what is a horny girl to do? 

 

I know....I know....I can sing! 

 

Om Kama-Deva.....  

 

 

Seriously, though, maybe I should be alone for awhile. 

 

I don't really want to be sexually rejected any more, so maybe it is best if I avoid the whole thing right now.   

 

Rejection is NOT fun. 

 





 

*****

 

As for me, I am in hiding. 

 

I've had a weird couple of days. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

 

I am depressed. 

 

I am realizing that my ex cannot possibly afford to move out by November 1.  It doesn't matter what the legal agreement says.  If the money isn't there....it is not there. 

 

He won't talk to me about it.  If we work together, maybe I can help him find the funds. 

 

He won't discuss it. 

 

It really is none of my business. 

 

He was going to move out on Monday but he hasn't packed a thing. 

 

I am steeling myself for the possibility that it is not going to happen. 

 

I can't kick him out. 

 

I can't do that to him. 

 

I couldn't do that to anybody. 

 

So....here is my solution. 

 

I'll hide from him. 

 

I'll hide from my friend.  

 

I know why I can't let go and really play around like I want to....it's weird with my ex here. 

 

It's weird not knowing if the stalker is lurking about. 

 

It is weird...

 

too weird...

 

I like flirting. 

 

I like PDA. 

 

I like a lot of things in places those things are not supposed to occur.

 

Danger is fun. 

 

If there is anything I've learned in the past couple of years is that eyes are on me when I least expect it.

 

It's going to take awhile to forget about the stalking. 

 

I'm not sure I can take this much longer. 

 

I'll keep singing.  Maybe if I do what I'm supposed to do an answer will present itself. 

 

Namaste, 

 

S. 

 

 

 

 



Falling in Love with a Genius

Today I am thankful that I fell in love with a genius.

Yep...

He wants to make our relationship official over the Internet. 

I wasn't sure how to take it at all. 

Everyone I know seems to know that we're seeing each other.  In fact, it was my friends who pushed me to file or a divorce because there are nicer men out there who adore me. 

Read....

nicer men = one man who seems to go crazy and nitpick all of our mutual friends to death when I do not notice his sexual tension. 

When my friend left me, my friends told me that he'd come back. 

He did. 

Everyone knows. 

It's been nearly three years. 

Everyone....knows!

So, it is not a big secret. 

*****

 

My friend has been trying to seal the deal since January. 

 

 

Every time he talks about defining relationships or making it official, I panic and grab my keys.  He gives me this shocked but pitiful look and drops the subject. 

 

If he sets up expensive camping trips where we share the same tent, I'll miraculously have somewhere else to be.

 

I am a slippery little fish. 

 

I don't like getting caught.

 

*****

Last weekend, he just decided to do what he wanted to do.  If I complain or seem scared,  he'll change course.  If I push him away, he'll talk about why. 

 

He started just doing those things he wants to do.  Going for it is easier on him than waiting around for it. 

 

If I could live that way, I would get a heck of a lot of things done. 

 

******

 

So....I am now .....uh.....we are now officially in a relationship. 

 

I guess we have been in one for several months. 

 

It feels weird to me. 

 

It's nice, though. 

 

In the morning, when I go through the want ads, I will balk at getting a job because I fear my ex or his sister will interfere. 

 

Today, the thought was.....ooooh, if I get that job I could buy my friend that gold kilt pin I've been eyeing!!!

 

It feels different already. 

 

I feel like I can conquer the world if I wanted to.  I don't....but I could!

 

*****

 

I joined a prosperity mastermind group.  We were supposed to come up with three things we wanted to create in our lives within the next 21 days. 

 

 

I was supposed to post them online.  I never did. 

 

 

There are my goals.

 

 

1.  A means to earn $4,000 a month working 40 hours a week.

 

2.  Get closer to my best friend and remove any barriers in the way.

 

3.  Find two decent running cars. 

 

 

It's been three days.  Number 2 has already materialized. 

 

My mentor took note!  I do have an abundant life.

 

*****

 

My friend is brilliant. 

 

He may not know it but he's a smart cookie. 

 

If I stay one night at his place, for whatever reason, it defines a relationship in the minds of other people.  My ex started to realize that we were never going to get back together that night. 

 

My ex has been a very kind person since that day. 

 

My ex has also started to follow me on Facebook.  Defining the relationship on Facebook has the net effect of sticking it out there, seeing how the community cheers it on, and extinguishes any thought my ex has about me staying. 

 

My ex got himself some moving boxes today. 

 

I'm so happy, I could kiss my friend (uh....boyfriend).

 

I haven't kissed him the way a man ought to be kissed.  A little friendly peck on the forehead is all he's ever received from me.

 

Perhaps it is time to change that.

 

Love,

 

S.

Edit twelve hours later:

I am flippin' exhausted. 

I just spent eight hours dealing with the ex. 

I hurt from the exchange. 

His mother sent a legal looking letter hoping to get my ex's forwarding address.  I handed the letter to him and asked if we needed to set up rules around dealing with his mail. 

I tried to alert him to the letters existence via Facebook but he unfriended me this morning (due to my updated relationship status).

He had to make it a point to let me know that he unfriended me on all the social networks for my friend's benefit. 

So, in turn, I blocked my ex so he couldn't see anything that I was doing for his benefit. 

He didn't like that. 

He refriended me.  I don't know....this is insane.

All night......all I heard was that 'this divorce cannot happen' -but- that he's got to end his "denial". 

He goes on and on about how my friend is a lucky man.  He is jealous because my friend makes me happy. 

My ex tells me that he will never date because he thinks that he was meant for me.

Yadda....yadda....yadda....

It is enough to make me want to crawl in a hole and die. 

If this is how all relationships end, why do I want another one?

I never want to see my friend hurt like this.

Never!!!

All it does is make me feel guilty. 

All it does is make me cry. 

We slept apart for over eight years!  He started sleeping apart from me eighteen months into the marriage over lies his mother told! 

We'd try to reconcile but it was always short lived. 

I used to cry myself to sleep because I was alone. 

On Friday night, I cried myself to sleep because I wasn't alone and it was nice. 

If all I do is cry, I can see why I'm alone. 

Geez!

I found someone who lets me share his bed, granted I was drunk and unable to drive -

but he shared his pillows with me. 

That's something.....isn't it?

 

*****

Why in the world does my ex do that? 

Why is he trying to make me feel guilty and obligated to stay married to him?

He didn't want me until I wanted someone else? 

What the heck? 

It hurts me.   

All I want is for everyone to be happy. 

I guess that is a tall order. 

I don't want to cry any more.

There is a solution to the mail issue. 

My ex and I found a way to ensure that if his mother sends crap here, she will never get his forwarding address from me.  She needs to stop sending legal looking letters here.  He simply round files them.

He will NOT get a forwarding address.  I will simply give him a key to the garage and he will retrieve his mail there.

In the past, when my ex would throw away things his mother had sent, one of my in-laws would follow me around in public and claim that I willfully withheld mail from him.  My brother-in-law followed me into a witch's convention one fall night and did this (circa 2006).  He claimed I didn't give my ex an invitation to his wedding.  When I reminded him that he was married to his wife ten years before the invitation arrived, he admitted that he had set up a fake renewal of vows as a kind of intervention to force my ex to visit with their mother.  The other intendees would have been my ex and his mother. 

Those are the games I do not want to be a part of.  I just give the mail to my ex and he does with it as he will. 

It didn't matter what I said, my brother-in-law continued to harass me at this Pagan Fair.  I was talking to a dark sorceress when he continued to taunt me.  She gave me a vial of banishing oil (olive oil steeped in the juices of various hot peppers).  A box fell on him and he hurt his back at work the next day. 

There was no spell attached to it.  I just showed him the bottle of banishing oil.

Sigh.....I'm tired of this. 

Please....guys....just....

Leave me out of it.

Wasn't it enough to stalk me? 

I never want to see any of my former in-laws ever again. 

Seriously....

I still have that banishing oil, too!

Love ya,

S. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Tactful Honesty

Today I am thankful that I am tactfully honest.

Sadly, my ex is not honest nor is he tactful. 

There is a little tiny mini-tantrum going on in the basement. 

Right now...

I'm afraid.

I'll type this out just in case something happens. 

If I prepare nothing will happen. 

So, I'll prepare. 

I asked my ex to schedule a final hearing at his convenience.  I just need him to understand that if he drags out our divorce to get himself a larger income tax refund, he's going to be legally married to me with the understanding that I want to be with another man. 

He was not happy with me at all! 

He said that he expected this conversation on Saturday. 

I did not believe that the conversation was necessary until today. 

Today my ex made it known that he took the whole divorce as a joke.  He didn't think it would possibly go through. 

Well....it did. 

The paperwork is filed and ready to go. 

We can do it now. 

We can do it after the first of the year if he wants to get a $5,000 tax refund.  

I don't care. 

Sigh....

Doesn't it take two people to stay married? 

I'm a little confused. 

I'm a little upset. 

I'm going to cry myself to sleep. 

If I don't post for a few days, I wound up at the shelter. 

This is usually the point where I give up on the idea of leaving and end up staying for his convenience.  I'm realizing that I didn't want him living with me in 1994 but this type of temporary drama happened.  Once the temporary drama sets up the situation the way he wants it, it becomes permanent. 

I do not believe my ex will leave the house.  I don't think it matters what any divorce decree/separation agreement says. 

I'm going to have to be the one to move -or- I am going to have to go back to being alone.  If I give up my friend, my ex will quit being obnoxious.  He'll quit flirting and he'll quit tantruming.

I just don't understand....who goes through a divorce believing it cannot go through because he wills it not to?

I'd hitchhike to Utah but I signed away my rights to move more than ten miles away from the current house.  I'm realizing that separation/divorce agreements only pertain to me. 

I am certainly confused and sad....

Love ya,

S. 

Edit Sixteen Hours Later:

Okay....

The mini-tantrum gave way to two very long and whiny emails. 

One telling me that he is willing to live here, with me, through January 2014 even though I want to date (and do all sorts of nasty fun things with) my friend. 

In that email he acknowledged that he said he would divorce me in 2007 and that he is being delusional when he thinks I'm going to stay with him. 

In the other email, he told me to schedule that final hearing at my convenience, although it will give him a net increase of $5,000 if I wait until January 1st.  He wants to live with me while the divorce is pending. 

Ugh!!! 

Where in the world does a legal agreement promising to move out by October 21st translate into living with me through the New Year?

Who says that I'm sane enough to grab my friend's arse, throw him on the floor, and make a meal out of him without getting my crazy vibes all over him? 

Men!!! 

There are days when they drive me completely bonkers. 

Heck....there are years when they do that. 

I'm going to need a huggie jacket. 

When I say I need a commitment, I'm thinking that I need a trip to the mental hospital. 

Yes, any man trying to define himself as my beau is going to scare me away right now. 

I wonder if I can find a porn star that looks enough like me to fool my ex.  Maybe I can buy a porno, stick it in his VCR, and try to pass the chick off as me with a ton of body make-up.  

That could be proof positive that I am some kind of whore. 

That could make him leave.

Maybe....

With my luck, that would probably backfire, huh? 

He'd want me to do all those filthy things to him! 

I'll leave it alone! 

Hoping to run off and hide in a cave somewhere,

S.

YIKES!!