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Joy

 
Today I am thankful for joy because it makes me feel beautiful.
 
 
When I was a young lady, I remember watching a movie about a woman caught in a love triangle.  She couldn't take the pressure of loving two men, so she slit her wrists in a bathtub.
 
I dream that now. 
 
I'm seeing a shrink.  It's probably just a subconscious metaphor for my favorite conscious expression of late

"other people's stupidity is killing me!"
 
I hate what is happening. 
 
In the past, when I'd try to leave my ex he'd start crying and doing the 'nobody loves me' routine. 
 
When he'd leave me overnight (or for even weeks), he'd come home crying and promising me that he'd stop lying, stop stealing, and let me hold a job. 
 
Each time I believed him. 
 
He's doing that again. 
 
We signed the divorce papers and he's trying to win me back. 
 
He thinks we are going to reconcile once the judge rules it final. 
 
This hurts me deeply. 
 
It makes me feel guilty.
 
It makes me feel ugly. 
 
It makes me think of that movie. 
 
I'm not leading him on. 
 
I don't know how to get him to see what is going on here.
 
*****
Then I worry about my friend. 
 
I'll wonder if I should let him go due to my inability to disconnect myself from my ex. 
 
I tell myself that this is temporary.
 
My ex will move out and move on. 
 
We can be together. 
 
When I feel doubt, I fear I'm unintentionally leading my friend on. 
 
This thought hurts me deeply.  
 
I feel guilty.
 
I feel ugly. 
 
It makes me cry. 
 
I wonder if I would get in trouble with the court for moving out for the next month. 
 
Probably.....
 
Sigh.....
 
Stupid people are killing me! 
 
*****
 
It's almost like my friend can sense my sadness. 
 
He'll write and offer to take me somewhere. 
 
He'll tell me that he likes the clothes I like to wear. 
 
Apparently he likes Victorian era clothing. 
 
He'd have loved the lingerie I wore the last time we met. 
 
I wore a black lace corset with purple ribbons and matching panties. 
 
I couldn't let him see them.....
 
because, on a very deep subconscious level, I am afraid that my ex won't cooperate and I'll end up stuck here again due to some crazy crap that I can't control.

A lot has changed in the past two weeks, though. 
 
Since I saw my friend last, my ex and I signed the papers. 
 
Still....this feels strange.
 
Probably because I would think my friend could visit me on my turf...but he can't....but he should be able to do that. 
 
Maybe it feels bizarre because my ex wants to stay here. 
 
I wonder....
 
*****
 
When my friend writes to me in such a cheerful fashion, I smile again. 
 
I felt beautiful. 
 
I went to the store to buy some liquor for Aries and Aphrodite. 
 
A man tried to take me and my Rum home. 
 
Nope...it wasn't going to happen. 
 
I went to the department store next to the liquor store and scored some lime green lingerie for the change in my purse. 
 
Lime green is my trigger color. 
 
Maybe this is what the Gods want for me?
 
I don't know. 
 
*****
 
 
I'm learning that beauty isn't about appearance. 
 
 
It is about energy. 
 
 
Love makes me radiate happy energy.
 
 
Joy makes me smile. 
 
 
My smile makes me beautiful. 
 

.  
Why wouldn't I want to be with someone who makes me feel beautiful?
 
 
 
Love ya,
 
S.
 
 
 
 
 

 

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