My Lost Voice

Today I am thankful that I lost my voice.

 

 

I can't yell at dork muffins because I lost my voice. 

 

 

I lost my voice on Sunday. 

 

 

I was in a parking lot. 

 

 

I found myself screaming at a man who was screaming at me. 

 

 

Why? 

 

 

Well.....

 

 

 

I was planning a tiny birthday party for the girls to throw for their father. 

 

 

He's complaining about being alone. 

 

 

They always threw birthday parties for him that I planned. 

 

 

I took him out get a sense of what he wanted for his birthday.  He is a virtual stranger to me. 

 

 

I had no clue what he wants or needs. 

 

 

I took him to a shopping center a few blocks from where my love and I work and I turned him lose. 

 

 

While shopping, he's chatting.....

 

 

He lets it slip that he had no intention of ever moving out of the house....

 

 

he has no intention of divorcing me....

 

 

it has to happen....

 

 

but he won't let it happen....

 

 

and that he isn't a part of the stalking. 

 

 

I was so hurt. 

 

 

I started to cry. 

 

 

He raised his voice to me. 

 

 

I yelled back. 

 

 

"Never....EVER....lie to me again!" 

 

 

Those words flew from my lips as I grabbed my coat and started walking towards the transit station. 

  

He could have my car. 

 

I wanted to find someplace peaceful to live until he moved out.

 

I didn't care anymore. 

 

I had to get away. 

 

He followed me. 

 

He embarrassed me. 

 

I relented and went home with him. 

 

I went upstairs and sulked in my bedroom, like I've done since 2005. 

 

*****

 

I spent the next day baking for him. 

 

I made him lasagna (without tofu....I've never done that before).

 

I made him cake. 

 

He had Tirimisu.

 

I'll never have to do that again. 

 

I'll never have to make him a birthday dinner ever again. 

 

*****

 

The tires on my car are toast, so I'm not driving it around until the underlying issue is fixed. 

 

I was stuck at home. 

 

I wanted to make the best of it. 

 

Making him a birthday dinner does NOT mean I want to be with him. 

 

My heart is turned towards someone else. 

 

Today, though, I doubt my ex will ever leave.

 

*****

 

Jake was a friend of mine in high school.  He was too young to date me.  He was a freshman.  I was a senior.  I kept him free from hazing.  He was a huge football player, he kept boys from asking me out. 

 

I liked our arrangement. 

We were friends...that was it.

 

During my senior year, Jake would spend the day with me at school.  Then, he'd go to work and spend that time working alongside my ex at a local amusement park. 

  

For years, I had no idea that they knew each other.  All I knew was that Jake would speak of his best friend Mike.  He'd tell Mike about Siegfred. 

 

 

One day, Mike was looking at my high school yearbook and found an entry from Jake which read "you're a bigger flirt than me!" on page 103.  

 

 

He always wondered who the author of the signature in Jake's yearbook, page 103, which read "You're such a flirt!".

 

It was me. 

 

Jake and I go way back. 

 

Jake called yesterday. 

 

Apparently, my in-laws stalked him as well.  He was stalked by Mike's cousin during the time Jake lived with a woman Mike was interested in. 

Yes, Jake stole Mike's love interest.  Jake got the worst end of the deal.  The woman was a foreigner who was only interested in having an anchor baby; once she got pregnant - she disappeared. 

 

Jake was heartbroken. 

 

This means that I am not the first person to have been stalked. 

Jake warned me to stop arguing with Mike.  He told me just to take everything and not look back. 

 

My voice was barely there, so I did more listening than talking. 

 

This crap has permeated everyone and everything that I hold dear. 

 

It has even touched my old friends. 

 

I'm taking Jake's advice.

 

*****

 

I tried to talk to Mike today in order to firm up the plans. 

 

I got nowhere. 

 

 

My voice is gone. 

 

 

It is quite literally gone. 

 

 

He wants to stay here. 

 

 

He lied when he said we were getting divorced.  He claims that he said that so I wouldn't ask about the stalking anymore. 

 

 

Here's the deal.  I have court documents which say we are legally separated.  I have the signed divorce agreement that we struck two months ago. 

We could be divorced by now -but- I was informed that waiting until January would save my ex $5,000 in taxes.  I thought I was being kind. 

 

 

Perhaps the taxes are not the reason why he wanted me to put this off. 

 

 

How does one deal with this? 

 

 

*****

 

I thought telling my ex that I was in love with another man would stop it. 

 

 

NO....

 

 

I thought spending the night with my love would stop it.

 

 

NO....

 

 

I thought telling my ex how well endowed my love is would stop it. 

 

 

NO....

 

 

Seriously.....that would do it or most men. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

 

 

I'm not Mike's lover. 

 

 

I'm more like his mother. 

 

 

I think he wants to keep me in this role. 

 

 

The problem with that is that it prevents me from giving adequate energy to my love. 

 

 

How can I make love the center of my universe if I am mothering my ex? 

 

 

This is sooo weird. 

 

 

I should have burned the lasagna, huh? 

 

 

Maybe if I become the bad mommy.....

 

 

Maybe I don't do what he thinks I am supposed to do.....

 

 

Maybe then I can move forward? 

 

 

I don't know. 
 

 

Pray for me. 

 

 

Love ya,

 

 

S. 

Edit: 

Yes, I am confused. 

Yes, I m angry. 

 No, this is not making sense.    

No, I have no idea what to do right now. 

No, I don't believe in getting the government involved in order to enforce a court order is a solution.

No, I do not believe that throwing my children's father out on the streets is a solution. 

Yes, I think if I had the truth about his motivations and behavior, I could make better decisions. 

Yes, I did schedule another appointment with my shrink today.  She has more experience dealing with NPD than I do.  I find her insights quite helpful. 


Although that entire appointment is going to look like a game of charades.  I miss my voice. 

Wow....

Edit after therapy:


In therapy we discussed what it was like to ' fall in love'.  I don't know. 

Did I fall in love with my best friend? 

If you fall in love, you can fall out.  I'm not falling anywhere. 

Sorry....

The shrink asked me lots of questions...

Do we have an attraction? 

Hell yeah....that's why I'm on fire. 

Do I love him? 

That's why I offered to set him up with a younger Libertarian INFJ because I'm a tad bit older than he is.  He didn't bite. 

Can I see myself with him? 

We both eat the same foods, like the same things, listen to similar music (except the death metal crap), have the same hobbies, pick on politicians....

I like looking into his eyes. 

Yeah....

Why do I hesitate? 

That's easy....

I hate marriage. 

I hate rebound relationships. 

I married every man I rebounded with. 

Okay...I married both of them. 

Both of them did criminal. things and I had to leave before I ended up dead or they ended up in prison. 

One only lasted 18 months.  The other lasted 22 years. 

I don't like marriage.  I've married both of my adult sexual partners.  I am having a hard time with the thought that I could....like....ruin my life by getting married again. 

Or worse, I could ruin his life!  

In my experience, sex leads to commitment.

Commitment leads to a loony bin type of situation. 

NO! 

I need to be sure that I do not endure any more crazy crap in my relationships. 

Why can't we slow down?

What if the shrinks are wrong and I have NPD?

What if I am insane? 

What if my behavior makes normal men lose their minds?

My friend has a fine mind. 

He needs to keep it!

*****

Why can't two people just be happy to be together? 

Hmmmmmm.......maybe my friend is just happy to be with me.

Maybe it is my shrink, my ex, my relatives, and my friends living in the future.  They are the ones pressing me as to whether or not I'm going to go forward and spend my life with my friend.  

I don't know. 

Maybe....

Maybe not....

Who knows? 

Oh....I think I found the problem. 

We are not living in the present!!!! 

*****

My friend keeps asking me what I want. 

I don't know.  If I find something that I want, I'd get it. 

My friend keeps asking me what I want to do. 

I don't know.  If I find something that I want to do, I'd do it. 

There are only a handful of things that I cannot do without a partner.  He's already shot me down on one of them. 

I don't know...

Maybe if I tell him that I want to practice living in the moment.....without planning dates....without worrying about tomorrow....and just be free to be me and to discuss what I am feeling in that particular moment....

maybe if I do that.....

maybe things will feel less awkward for me! 

Love ya!!!

S.










 

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