Projection

Today I am thankful for the gift of another person's projection. 

Yeah....

My ex claimed that my best friend is controlling. 

Then he said that it could be projection. 

I went running off to a shrink. 

Yeah....they both are acting a little bizarrish. 

One...well, could be acting out due to sexual tension. 

The other....well....it is projection. 

*****

I figured out why my ex won't move out. 

I figured out why the assets aren't being split or why the divorce agreement doesn't count. 

He's still got control. 

Oh....that's easy to remedy. 

Wow....

 

*****

 

I spent the day with minimal male contract. 

 

 

I am so proud of myself. 

 

 

I didn't call my friend when I found snowshoes and related equipment for $10.00 a set on closeout. 

 

 

Nope....

 

 

I didn't say a peep. 

 

 

I am so flippin' proud of myself!!! 

 

 

I felt happy. 

 

 

I had time to reflect on my life between 2009 and 2011. 

 

 

I was happy for that brief time. 


Thomas, my high school sweetheart, had come back to visit a couple of times.  There is something that happens when your old flame re-enters your life and notices that you're still the same sickly sweet, anorexic, dirty-minded, lazy, guitar lusting a-hole that can't sing a note. 

He said I was the same person that I used to be. 

 

I had to prove Thomas wrong. 


So...


I took singing lessons. 

I took on the local politicians. 

I gained lots of weight (because I took up hard liquor).  The secret to losing weight is sleeping pills.  If I take two right before I want to drink a glass full of rum, I fall asleep before I can make my blood sugar go through the roof. 

 

It's all good.

I reveled in my celibacy. 

 

I started a business, gave speeches, wrote blogs, and had several articles published in professional journals. 

 

I was happy. 

I rarely saw my ex. 

We planned to divorce the moment he found a job. 

 

That took him several years. 

 

I was free. 

 

It was nice. 

 

I met my friend in 2011. 

He was adorable, funny, and had the prettiest blue eyes.

I wrote him off because he reminded me of Thomas. 

 

Isn't that evil? 

 

They have the same occupation, the same title, the same mannerisms, and they were too much alike or me to deal with. 

 

Thomas is monk like with regard to me. 

 

It took my friend 48 hours to proposition me for sex.

 

I declined. 

 

That's when I realized the two of them were nothing alike.

They are very different.  Thank goodness. 

 

I started walking on air and tried to hide it. 

 

I pressed forward with the divorce and the stalking got worse, the money went missing, and my ex got weird. 

 

So....I think I'm seeing a pattern. 

 

When my friend left me, my ex agreed to the divorce. 

 

When he came back, my ex changed his mind. 

 

So....I'm thinking that my love interest is why my ex is hanging around. 

 

If I break it off...will things change? 

 

Maybe if I ignore my ex....things will change. 

 

*****

 

I am almost to the point of keeping a man journal. 

 

I decided to keep track of all the hours I devote to the ex and all the hours I devote to my best friend. 

 

Today it would have read 30 minutes for Steve (took pictures of sports equipment, hunted for a gift, and emailed him) and 45 minutes for the ex (made him dinner and spoke to him about moving out).

I need to invest more time in my real relationships than the one I'm trying to leave. 

 

I'm sure that sounds stupid.  Maybe this will help me understand why my ex is still hanging around. 

 

I'm loyal to the wrong man.  That needs to stop.    

 

This could be why my relationship is failing. 

I'm off to read a book my friend thinks will help our communication.  That ought to take an hour, so by the time I fall asleep my friend will be ahead of the game in time commitment.

 

Still.....this is an interesting exercise. 

 

 

*****

 

Today I decided to be myself again. 

 

I want to be who I was before the stalking got to be a problem.  

 

I want to be the person I was when I met my friend. 

 

I want to go back to doing those things that I like to do. 

 

I want to be me again. 

 

I want to laugh.  I want to play.  I want to enjoy life. 

 

I am going to work on that now. 

 

*****

 

With my ex, it is all about control. 

 

 

So, if I take that control away....it will stop. 

 

 

I have a couple of ideas. 

 

 

Two ideas to be precise.....

 

 

One involves welcoming my ex to stay through the holidays (my idea...he won't do it). 

The other involves a Pagan ritual. 

 

And.....I want to say that if you have been living with an ex....and you don't want to sleep with him....keep earrings, needles, and books on your bed.  If he tries to crawl into bed with you, he'll get a nasty surprise. 

 

I made the mistake of cleaning off my bed the other day.  For seven years, I slept with stuff on my bed.  Last week, I thought I'd clean it just in case I had a visitor.  

 

That was dumb. 

 

On Sunday, I was sick.  Every time I tried to leave my room, my 425 pound ex would chase me back up the stairs and into my room.  He said he did this because I was sick.  Eventually he followed me into my bedroom and lay on my bed to cry. 

Nothing happened.  I'm prude.  Kids were home.  I was wearing lots of unsexy clothes.  I was hacking up half a lung and smelled very unsanitary.

Lesson learned.   

 

There are needles on my bed now. 

 

If you meet a redhead with needle marks in her arm, that may be me. 

 

Hey....don't judge!! 

 

******

 

I don't know. 

 

I am realizing what is happening. 

I am realizing how funky this looks. 

 

I am wondering if they still sell chastity belts. 

 

Just teasing about that. 

Men lose an inch of the fun stuff for every 35 pounds they are overweight. 

 

At 400+ pounds, my ex may have an innie. 

I don't want to know. 

I'm gonna bet my ex doesn't want me to know. 

 

I don't think I have to worry about sexual assault. 

Still....

I need to scheme a way to get the peace back into my life. 

 

He's not a bad man.  He's just hurt, self-absorbed, and NPD and there is crazy shit due to that. 

I'm a bad girl because I'm making fun of the situation.  I really shouldn't do that. 

He's a good man and he's better when he's far away from me. 

 

Yes....let me find a way to solve this. 

 

Wish me luck. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.