Hiding in a Hell Hole

 

Today I am thankful that I can hide in a hell hole.

 

 

I don't know where to begin. 

 

 

I'm almost to the point of asking for psych drugs so I don't feel so horrid anymore. 

 

 

The therapists think it is a good idea to let my ex stay in this house through the holidays. 

 

 

I can't see my friend when he is here. 

 

So, I'm going to try to break off my new relationship.  I tried setting boundaries but it became a nightmare.  I'm going to try to stop crying so that I can actually return telephone calls without sounding like an emotional mess.

 

I do not know how to explain what is going on. 

 

I'll try....

 

 

Whenever I go to leave the house, my ex makes snide remarks about my 'getting lucky' and being with someone new.  It's annoying. 

 

 

It hurts, especially when it is followed by him claiming that he'll never date again. 

 

I feel guilty and dirty. 

 

He does this in front of the kids. 

 

God only knows what he says when I'm gone. 

 

It stresses me out.

 

I've decided not to leave the house. 

 

He was supposed to split the assets and be out of the house tomorrow as per the court agreement. 

 

It's not going to happen.  

 

He wants to stay through the holidays -but- he says it is so he can get me back. 

 

I've made it clear, I will never have sex with him again. 

 

I'm never going to be his. 

 

It may as well be over. 

 

The furnace is out.  The washer is broken.  The sewer is backing up.  If he stays, I'm gonna ask him to earn his keep. 

 

I cannot deal with him anymore.  I have to find a way to get away. 

 

My "friend" isn't acting much better. 

 

*****

 

My "friend" has this interesting way of testing my libido. 

 

He goes on the attack to force me to "justify my desire."

 

I've been accused of not living life. 

 

I've been accused of hating sex.

 

It hurts. 

 

There was a time when I wanted him more than anything on the planet. 

 

Then he moved in to kiss me, he grabbed my neck, and I froze. 

 

I haven't been able to go near him since. 

 

In therapy, I realized why....one of my previous exes liked to choke me until I lost consciousness.  He nearly killed me.  This is probably why I froze.  This is probably why three weeks worth of sex hypnosis isn't doing me a lick of good. 

 

I need to work on my fear surrounding someone grabbing my neck. 

 

So, I'm in therapy working on that. 

He wants me to seduce him every Friday.  I can't do that.  Realizing that I could not meet his needs, I tried to ask for more time. 

 

He went nuts. 

 

He went to Facebook to whine about being a "bad boyfriend" and hating doing the "boyfriend shit". 

 

I haven't been to Facebook since. 

 

I'm hurt. 
 

*****

 

When I think of a bad boyfriend, I think of a bad boyfriend....

 

I think of letting me fly fish near an open stream.....ah...but this one thinks fellatio is over rated.

I think of dangerous things.

 

I think of all sorts of nasty things that I'm terrified to broach now because, quite frankly, I don't know what is acceptable. 

 

I don't mind having a bad boyfriend. 

 

I'd rather prefer a bad (read uninhibited) one to a mundane one. 

 

If bad refers to constant arguing and nit-picking, I'd rather be alone. 

 

*****

 

To effin' top it all off, my phone is busted. 

 

It got wet and it's doing weird crap like sending bizarre texts to people.  I had to turn it off. 

 

 

I can't win for losing. 

 

 

I'm tired. 

 

 

But on the bright side, I think I'll get some peace and quiet in my hell hole. 

 

 

*****

I'm in tears. 

 

I have burn marks from the salt on my face. 

 

I'm not leaving the house any time soon.

 

I'll consider writing more when I can stop crying enough to type. 

I'd rather be alone than play games and running to Facebook with our issues really upsets me.

It hurts me.  The only thing I can hope for is another woman will see it and take him in. 

I can't deal with it anymore. 

I've lost my best friend. 

*****

 

It's bizarre how one can become accustomed to celibacy. 

 

I mean, really, I don't know how to sleep with a man anymore. 

I can't figure out how to relax and let go. 

 

I can't figure out how to be sexy and fun. 

 

I guess I am used to being alone. 

 

At this point, it is easier. 

 

*****

There is one problem with having a "fake marriage."

 

My ex called our set up a "fake marriage." 

 

It was fake.

 

You get used to being alone. 

 

You get used to questioning your worth, your appearance, your value. 

 

I didn't expect to fall in love with a friend.

 

He became pushy the moment my ex and I signed the divorce agreement.

 

I relented.

 

I shouldn't have done that.

 

The moment a man you love criticizes you and claims you cannot meet his needs, you agree that, yeah....you can't.

 

I have thus decided that I do not want a relationship. 

 

My heart hurts.

 

My eyes are swollen.

 

My mind is clear. 

 

I can't do this. 

 

I can't. 

 

So.....

 

I'll try to find a way to make sure my "friend" knows it's over.

 

I can't meet his needs.

 

I don't want all of his Facebook friends knowing it, either.

 

That's what hurts me the most. 

 

He took it to Facebook before talking to me. 

 

*****

 

Of course, now that I have adamantly broken things off with my friend, my ex is willing to move out. 

 

Yeah.....

 

I'm wondering if this is what he wanted.

 

To see me shaking in pain. 

 

Of course, he won't give me a concrete timeline. 

 

Sigh.....

 

NPD is fun, isn't it? 

 

*****

 

I'm in pain. 

I'm off to nurse my broken heart. 

It's funny.  I paid a coven to do a "letting go" spell for me and my ex.  I guess I'll be letting go of more than one man this time around. 

Isn't it weird how that works?  Wow...

Happy Samhain,

S.