Sage Sticks

Today I am thankful for sage sticks.

 

 

My ex was at the house all week. 

 

 

I don't think he showered at all. 

 

 

The entire house smells like a dirty old man. 

 

 

My bedroom doesn't.  It smells like rum and roses. 

 

 

The rest of the house, though, smells like a man who doesn't use toilet paper. 

 

 

*****

 

 

He was supposed to move out on Monday. 

 

 

The only boxes that have been packed are the ones that I packed for him. 

 

 

The closer that Friday came, the more distraught I became. 

 

 

By Friday evening, I was distraught. 

 

 

By Saturday, I didn't care anymore. 

 

 

*****

 

We cannot communicate. 

 

 

That may be my fault. 

 

 

I'll ask him what he wants. 

 

 

Never, ever ask your ex what he wants. 

 

 

Sex.....when he loses 200 pounds.....someday.....far away....and he wants to stay until he decides to go on a diet. 

 

 

Uh......I've put up with this for years. 

 

 

Uh....NO!

 

 

So.....

 

 

I don't know. 

 

 

I don't know that I care anymore. 

 

 

I'm hypoglycemic. 

 

 

I'm eating candy. 

My diet today consisted of 1,062 calories of sour gummy worms and two liters of diet Dr. Pepper.

I think that is suicidal for me to eat candy knowing that I'll go into sugar shock. 

 

 

I truly don't care anymore. 

 

 

*****

 

 

I did try speaking to my ex this morning. 

 

My ex knows that I'm in love with my best friend.

 

He knows that it is over.   He tells me that he's been in denial. 

 

Yes.....

 

*****

 

He doesn't know that my best friend and I will break up. 

 

I won't tell him. 

 

How do I know we are breaking up?

 

That's easy. 

 

My friend can't walk beside me.  He walks at an incredibly fast pace, ahead of me, like he can't get away fast enough. 

He does push for things I cannot give yet. 

I mean, I want to jump on him.  I want to sit in his lap.  I want to do all sorts of fun erotic things....

when my hair doesn't smell like my house. 

My house smells like my ex. 

It's hard to want sex with the man I love when the stale aroma of my ex's farts is in my hair.

Alas....unless I live in a hotel room away from the offending odors, my dear love and I are done. 

 

It hurts. 

 

I can cope with it.   

 

The issue?

 

My ex won't move out and I can't remove the stench from my hair. 

That smell.....I cannot tolerate that smell. 

I can....get rid of it....if I bathe in apple cider vinegar and use castile soap.  I also have to run out of the house before my hair dries. 

That's a hard trick on cold days. 

 

*****

 

So......my ex is supposed to split the family finances with me on November 1st and move out. 

 

 

He's a control freak.  He now claims that he doesn't have to honor the agreement until the divorce is final. 

 

 

That will be January 9th at 1:30 p.m.  I choose that day because my ex said that if I divorced him in 2013, he'd get a tax bill. 

 

 

He lied. 

 

The ninth was the first 2014 date available at the courthouse.   I could have had this done last month. 

 

I should have had this done last month. 

 

This morning he claimed that is staying here until January 9th. 

 

 

Uh....no...

 

Now, he's negotiating being out the last Friday of November.   

 

That could be do-able. 

 

*****

 

I don't care anymore. 

 

I really don't. 

 

I feel like I've lost the only reason I had for moving on. 

 

I'm alone. 

 

I will continue to be alone. 

 

There is no hurry now. 

 

*****

 

My loyalties are screwed up. 

 

I have an urge to be more loyal to my best friend than my ex. 

 

I assumed that if I were nice to my ex, the stalking will stop -and- he'll move out. 

 

That's the problem. 

 

I am giving too much of my precious energy to someone who is ill deserving of it. 

 

My beloved is entitled to more than what he is getting.  My ex wasted what he was given. 

 

I should really get away and get my bearings.  I am a different person when my ex leaves. 

I am so much happier.  On Thursday, I was excited.  I was smiling.  I was happy.  I was walking on air.  I knew my life had finally changed. 

 

I was in love.  I knew I could invite my friend to be a part of my life. 

 

I felt safe. 

I could go back to work without fear of stalking.

 

I was happy. 

I was smiling and laughing. 

 

I felt beautiful. 

By Friday, I realized that this saga wasn't over. 

 

I went downstairs to get something and my ex approached me naked. 

I didn't look. 

I could smell it. 

I left. 

 

I've felt ill and upset ever since. 

 

It's not over.

*****

 

Today is supposed to be his weekend with the kids.  He had things planned with them. 


I wasn't feeling well.  I'm coughing.  I took a nap and awoke to meditate at a park, give my offering to Isis to the birds (wheat bread for the birds, fish for the feral cats).   I was going to go to the metaphysical store for some tea and incense.

 

That's when I noticed that my ex had left the house but left the kids with me.  He didn't tell me this. 

So, I stayed home wondering what in the heck is going on. 

*****

The crazy crap will go on in perpetuity, won't it? 

 

If I want a relationship with another human being, I have to find a way to give that person more time and attention than my ex. 

 

The problem is that sane people won't ask for your time and attention. 

Crazy people do crazy shit to get it. 

 

 

There has to be a balance. 

 

 

How do I find it? 

 

 

*****

 



 

Maybe I'll go hang out with my musician buddies. 

 

I don't really like hanging out with them when I feel this way. 

 

They try to get me laid. 

 

Thankfully, though, I'm still in my "NO" mode. 

 

I thought I found the right guy to say yes, too. 

 

I think I was wrong. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.