Day of Venus

 

Today I am thankful that it is Friday.

Friday is the Day of Venus, the day I celebrate Isis and Osiris.  The beautiful yet loyal goddess and her husband who hated violence. 
Isis is the Egyptian form of Aphrodite. 

I will ask what they were thinking when they brought Steve into my life.  What in the world?  Can he find the one he is meant for?  He obviously does NOT want me: He keeps trying to change me.

I will offer fish.   I will light my musk incense and wonder what in the world I am supposed to do now. 

I'll let you know. 

I'm tired of crying. 

Love ya,

S. 



Next Morning Edit: 
I had a dream of Isis watching us from above.  In this dream, I am walking along with Steve.  I'm holding his hand.  He lets go and runs ahead.  I run ahead to catch up to him and hold his hand.  He lets go again. 

A beautiful woman who is 35 years old, petite, with dark wavy hair, and wearing a white dress with little red flowers runs up to him and grabs his hand.  He refuses to let go of either one of us. 

I wind up letting go. 


I wish I would have looked at her shoes.  If they were white, it could mean that he meets her in the spring or summer.  If I have the dream again, I'll look. 

My sense is that the dark haired woman is his soulmate.  I asked Isis to bring her to him.  I get the sense that she works near his home in an outdoor mall.  That ought to make it easier for them to be together. 


Now...it is time for the test.  If a cat eats the fish I used in the spell, the spell will hold. 

I hope Steve finds someone who doesn't mind constant criticism.  I can't cope with it.  I don't know how to respond.  If I did, I'd have called him by now. 


I know it is due to insecurity.  I know he wants reassurance.  I don't know how to give it to him.
I don't know what to do. 


I'll update if a cat comes to the crossroads and eats the fish.  I bought two fillets of boneless Tilapia.   It's on a piece of fine china. If a cat is tempted to eat it, it assures the success of the spell.

Saturday Night Edit:


It was a mystical looking day.  The ground was still warm because yesterday was a hot day.  It snowed today and was bitterly cold.  The snow made a thick fog layer close to the warm ground on the path where I left my offering.  I was sure that sight was a good omen.  I was sure that Isis would accept my petition to find that raven haired woman for Steve.

I didn't see a feline in sight.  I returned to the crossroads this evening.  Both fillets were untouched.  I left the plate there.  Maybe someone would like a nice piece of china.

Do I try again next week?


Do I just leave it alone?


I don't know. 

I am still hurt by all those projections.  I can't drive my car without crying because it smells like him.
 

He claimed I lacked self-esteem. He blames me for all of the arguments.  He wants a deep sexual connection yet I haven't seen him in five weeks.  We haven't been able to talk.  He badmouths me on Facebook. I can't cope with this anymore.  I know it is projection.  I know he is depressed.  I think my presence makes it worse. 

I didn't feel like this six months ago.  I was in pain but I could still function in the world.  All of the pointless emails have caused me to doubt myself.  I have to get over his ugly words and accusations.

I don't know. 

Maybe I'm not supposed to know if she finds her. 

I sure hope he does.

My prayers for Steve to find his raven haired love were not answered.  I guess it is up to him to ask for her.


Love ya,


S.

Understanding

Today I am thankful for understanding what ruined my relationship.

I've spent the past month grieving a lost friendship.  


I've spent the past two days wondering if I should do what he wants me to do and call him. 


I decided against it.  He's being manipulative.  I don't want to deal with it anymore. 


He told me to call him or never speak to him again.  He's a novice at covert hypnosis (neuro-linguistic programming), he doesn't understand what he did.  What I have going through my head is "never speak to me again."  So...I'll let it die. 

I finally understand why thoughts of being with him turn my stomach.  I literally get sick and want to vomit.  This phenomenon started when he claimed I badmouthed my ex-husband on Facebook.  He wrote:

I get the sense that I am being harshly judged and evaluated. Seeing people depicted as evil, needy looking trolls in regard to you on your page help consolidate that view. It may be about your husband or someone else, but it seems like a very harsh and abrasive evaluation of someone, and I anticipate the day that such harsh evaluations are pointed in my direction - but feel like they already somewhat are

.

Now, never mind the fact that I have been fielding judgmental emails since October.  I've been referred to as stupid, hypocrital, lacking self-respect and on and on.  The judgments are projection.  I understand.  I understand that hyper-criticalness is what Steve grew up with.  I understand that this his how his caretakers took control of him.  I understand his anger that my ex-husband has not moved out of this house.  This is not a reason to ruin our friendship. 

He was referring to a cartoon my ex-husband thought was funny.  He calls me "his precious" so I poked a little fun at him.  His avatar is actually Sméagol from the Hobbit (or it was), so I do not understand why Steve had a fit over it.  My aim was to make the "my precious" demeaning comments stop by poking fun of them.  That didn't work so well. 

I know now why thoughts of him bother me.  In that one paragraph, he equated himself with my ex-husband.  I can't be with a man who I visualize as taking his place.

Also, having Steve victimize my ex makes me feel guilty about pushing my ex-husband to move out and asking for the money he stole from me or even demanding my portion of the divorce settlement.  I find myself questioning whether doing things to protect my financial self-interests are being harsh towards my ex.  I've decided not to push my ex-husband to move on.  There is no point.  Steve was the reason I pushed the divorce.  My ex had been talking about it since 2006.  I went through with it because I fell in love with someone else.


I think Steve is using bad NLP on me.  He wants to take the place of my ex.  I don't want anyone to do that.  I don't want anyone to be like my ex; I don't want anyone to stalk me, rage at me, steal money from me, take my car, or lie. 

There are several things that he did in those emails that ruined chances for our success.  He didn't do these things when he was my friend.  He started his weirdness when we became an item (that IS a red flag).  I'll post them quickly below.

A. There was some dishonesty.  He hid information about his family situation.  That's okay. By the same token, he didn't listen to me when I tried to explain mine and accused me of lying.  If that was innocent, the relationship may have worked if it had a chance to develop trust.  There wasn't enough time to nurture that.


B. He did a lot attacking of my character.  He used a lot of aggressive communication.  Then he would become upset if I said that I felt attacked.  It tended to happen when I had commitments to my children and couldn't spend Friday nights with him.  It got to the point where I couldn't communicate with him or share myself for sheer fear of being labeled or attacked.  He'd use non-violent communication to dismiss my concerns or feelings (don't label...don't demand...take the feelings out of the communication) and then try to use non-violent communication to repair the relationship because he knew the techniques worked.  The problem....is that doing it over and over is a time drain. 
I wonder if anyone ever told him that people become aggressive due to fear.  What would Steve fear? Does it have anything to do with me? 


C. I felt like he did a lot of scapegoating.  I was too vulnerable then I wasn't vulnerable enough.  I wasn't sexual enough.  I wasn't sharing enough.  When we became an item, we only saw each other one day a week.  That is not enough time to develop a deep intimate connection with someone.  Especially when the rest of the week was filled with petty assertions.  I once told him to follow his bliss and it led to numerous emails where I was accused of pushing him away.  That led to a week apart.  Then, he said Bitcoin was the reason he was picking me apart.  He was taking his frustrations out on me.  The government is going to shut Bitcoin down.  What then?  Will he hit me?

D. Negativism/Nitpicking/Criticizing: He made up stuff to complain about.  UGH.....I wasn't sexual enough.  I didn't have enough self-respect.  I didn't respect him enough.  I didn't rape him.  I didn't pounce on him.  He once said that he was so excited to be with someone like me that he wanted to find out what the catch was.   We spent so much time on bullshit that we couldn't find time to get to know each other for real.  It was almost as though he wanted to avoid addressing real problems (like how my ex hanging out my house kept me from inviting him over, how to find time to be together more often, or what kind of stuff he wanted to do when we were alone together if you know what I mean). 

E. Gossiping:  He would tell me that he told his daughter, his mother, and his therapist stuff about me and they'd tell him what to do.  His mother told him to leave me alone.  His therapist told him that I lacked self-respect.  His daughter told him to keep stuff off of Facebook.  He should have listened to his daughter. 
I blocked him three times because he started lying about me on that damn website: it pained me to see a colleague take pity on him when he lied about me!  I don't want to see that.  I felt betrayed by it. Worse, he said he did those things knowing it would hurt me on an emotional level.  This is why I broke up with him.  Why would anyone purposely hurt someone they claimed to love?
I eventually realized that I couldn't do anything without everybody knowing about it.  It was like he turned towards everyone else with his complaints and AWAY FROM ME!!!  The he would bring their judgments into the relationship, treat me as though they were true, then turn around and tell me that I have put up a wall of judgment.  I didn't.  I loved him for who he was.  I just didn't like the things he said his mother and his therapist said about ME!  They were false.  He admitted that they were false judgments but why he would act up on them and treat me like crap over them, I'll never know.
I'm still stumped over the lack of self-respect comments.  I like fellatio.  He thought it was demeaning for me to offer to do that.  I think that is behind those comments.  How many people did he tell that I offered that?  Ugh!!! Worse, he complains that I wasn't sexually adventurous.  Whenever I tried to do something new, I was told he didn't like it.  I was never sure what I could do.  I thought if I took him someplace new we could change our habits but that never materialized.  I don't know....I truly do not know what I could have done differently.  We didn't have enough to time for gain enough of a rapport in that arena to really enjoy it.  
My lesson from Steve is to ask for what one wants and stop complaining.  I am a simple person.  I want people to follow through on their commitments, tell the truth, and be honest.  I don't want for much.  I can earn my own keep.  I can spend time alone.  I can do a lot. 
Steve would ask me what my needs are.  I don't have many.  I guess I do have the need for peace.  I told him that.  Peace does not happen when someone is creating needless conflicts due to the false belief that it brings people closer.  It pushes me away.  I also asked for time.  He promised me time.  He wrote a beautiful poem in which he offered me time.  He didn't mean it, though, within a week he was demanding a deeper emotional and sexual connection.  Those things take time.  You earn those things.  It doesn't happen overnight. 


F. Distance and Silence: This leads me to my issues....distance and silence.  I distanced myself from Steve in November when he started criticizing me because he thought I was too good to be true.  He wanted to find the catch.  He wanted to know why I was available to him.  He was very insecure.  I don't know how to quell a man's insecurity given my current situation. 
To this day, every time I make chicken teriyaki, I think of him telling me that I'm "telling stories" when I mentioned making the dish for my kids. That's how bad the criticism was.  I could tell the truth and it would be doubted.
I'd get frustrated and distance myself from him.  He'd want me back. I would come back thinking that the problems could get better with awareness.  They did not.  Now I realized that my coming back only rewarded the emotional abuse.  That is what constant criticizing is, emotional abuse, especially when the person is not allowed to share how it makes her feel, or label the behavior, or refute it without getting defensive replies containing more accusations. 
I still can't read those emails he sent last week.  I'll start reading them but the way he twists my words makes my head spin.  I can never get through all of them.  I don't know how to respond to them.  They are ludacris at best.  I still get headaches thinking about it.

Well....I'm pretty sure he'll read this.  Those are my lessons.  I can't take it anymore.
Love is not enough.  It doesn't matter if I love someone.  I can't put up with constant arguing over minutia.  I can't put up with gossiping, triangulation, and being accused of things that I do not do.

Today is a day of Venus.  I'll offer fish to Isis and ask her to find Steve a new mate.  I'll also revise my list of things I want in a man to include trust, openness, and a positive attitude. 


My ex-husband is trying to be a good friend to me.  Maybe....if I can find out how to get out from under the stalking and financial abuse....maybe I'll stay around to help him out, too.   I have pretty much ruled out having a sex life.  I may as well stick with the devil I know.  It'll be lonely but maybe I'm safer this way.  


Wish me luck.

Love ya,
S.

4:00 AM Meditations

Today I am thankful for my 4:00 a.m. meditations.

For the past few months, I've been falling asleep around midnight and awakening around 4:00 a.m. for a vision quest.  I will hallucinate talking to djinn of all things but will wind up with information that I can use in my daily life. 


The problem though is that it interferes with my sleep so much that I am not getting enough REM.  I wind up napping about an hour every morning. 


I started doing this on those nights I visited Steve.  The Djinn that would visit me at his house called himself Aronde.  Those were fun dreams.  He told me never to leave this guy because he loved me and even a djinn couldn't find another person who fit me so well. 


This was funny.  In the days that followed, I would learn that Steve lied to me.  That all of our early contacts were liquor laden.  He has mother problems that he projects on to me.   All his exes were crazy and so am I.  He generally dates women who look like models and this is NOT me anymore.  He is very critical of me and wonders why we don't have a very deep connection.  He feels entitled to this deep sexual connection and he demands this connection....now.  I don't know how to tell him that he is so judgmental that I am afraid to jump on top of him and make his day for fear he'd critique my cellulite or technique.  Worse, he has a habit of taking everything to Facebook.  I don't want the world knowing that the homemade Copper Peptide serum has temporary darkened the stretch marks on my abdomen. 


I can't be with him because he has managed to lose my trust.  I can't even read his emails without getting headaches.  They are now being filtered into an archived folder.  I can't deal with him at all.

Last night, I envisioned a female djinn with a name I cannot pronounce.  She told me that the missing money was funding an apartment and that my ex-husband was prepared to move out once he knew we were over.   She said that Steve and I breaking up gave my ex-husband renewed hope that I'd be with him again, so he stays at this house. 


Oh....that would make sense. 


I made a wish.  I wished for a severed connection with Steve and to put an end to the sadness.  She told me that I'd have to call him to make sure he knew we broke up.  I don't want to hear that voice.  He twists everything! 

Since the djinni ruled that wish out.  I wished that he could get some help.  I am afraid for his state of mental health.  I can't be near that right now.  I will make it worse.  I am really frustrated with a coach I used to refer my politician buddies to.  That coach is enabling him.  He will never get another referral from me....ever! 

I love how my subconscious mind hallucinates djinn to tell me all of those things my conscious mind is afraid to contemplate. 

I am going to start acting on the advice I get in the middle of the night.  If anything fun happens, I'll document it here. 

Love ya,


S.

The Root Cause of My Depression

 

Today I am thankful that I figured out the root cause of my depression: It is learned helplessness. 

I am normally a joyful person. 


I typically love sex with one guy who will let me take the time to figure out what makes him jump out of his skin. 


I love to try new things. 


I am not squeamish. 


I typically love art. 


I typically love walking around town meeting new people. 


I rarely go anywhere without making new friends. 


I usually smile so much that glycolic acid does not get rid of my laugh lines. 


I am generally a happy person. 


The past two years have been hard.  It was two years ago that I learned my ex-husband had gutted $69,000 (70%) of our retirement accounts.  He was my stalker.  His sister was stalking me, too.   We were bankrupt and that all of this happened because it was his idea of forcing me to stay married to him. 

The past two months I have had trouble getting out of bed.  I'm not losing weight.  I cry all the time.  I have no motivation at all.  I don't know what to do.  I am typically a very active person.

In my psychology practice, I learned that most unmotivated people simply lack direction.  I need to find my direction in order to feel better.


I spend about two hours a day in meditation trying to figure this out.

Today I got my answer.


I am depressed because everything I do gets taken from me.  Everything I can count on gets taken from me.  I need Mike to leave the house before I can move forward. 

He'll take the car.  He'll take my money.  I'll get stalked at work and fired over it.

In the psychotherapy world, we call that learned helplessness. 

I was looking forward to him moving out in October of 2013.

I was looking forward to deepening things with my best friend.  I guess after three years, I hardly knew the man. 

I just didn't expect my ex-husband not to honor the separation agreement, refuse to split the accounts, and spend a good chunk of the money I was awarded in the divorce.  Due to that, I have to allow him to stay.  The money is gone.

I fear working (although I am actively looking for work).  I don't want my colleagues to be harassed by Mike's family.

Mike has never hit me.  He rages.  He hits the walls.  The man has never hit me. 

I can survive in this environment IF I get creative.

I have to get creative about ways to pay my office rent.  I've been given $500 of the money I was promised.  $300 went to repair the van I gave to my ex-husband so he could keep his job.  The other $200 went to food.  Last month, I sold some things so I was able to pay rent.  I was lucky. Damn.....

Before we were divorced, he literally stopped paying the bills.  We are two months behind on water, electricity and other utilities.  This pisses me off because in November (after he was supposed to sign the money over to me), he took $5,000 from the account that was slated for me to pay the bills.  I am not sure where the bulk of the money went.   The value of that account is around 18K now.  It was 32K the day I filed for a divorce and $28K the day I was awarded the account. 

I still cannot access the money. 

I am really upset.  I am not sleeping.  This is killing my creativity.  I make money from my creative endeavours.  Since all this crap blew up and I learned who my stalkers were, I have made very little money. 

Arguing with my ex-husband really doesn't get me anywhere.  I need money for a lawyer.  I don't know if I want to harass him to repay the money he took.  I am probably safer if I keep my mouth shut.

*****

This is bad enough, having a "boyfriend" pick me apart in long obnoxious emails did not help the situation.  There was one where he tried to defend Michael.  He had claimed that a Facebook post I had made about "The Hobbit" was actually a depiction of my ex-husband.  He wondered how long it would take before I would say mean things about him like that.

It was a cartoon inspired by The Hobbit.  It was a caricature of Sméagol and me.  My back is turned to the hobbit turned bad and the caption reads "You call all the girls precious."

My ex-husband thought it was a snappy response.  He has this horrific habit of demeaning me by calling me "his precious."  He still does it!  UGH!! The girls are his "precious-es", too.  I jokingly refer to all of us as "hobbitz-ez" when my ex is around. 

It's an inside joke. 

The deal was that if I re-friended Steve on Facebook, he'd keep it light.  He's stop jumping to conclusions and triangulating about me.  He can't do that.  I had to block him.

I have a new series of emails from Steve to read.  They are disjointed.  I don't know if I should share them as examples of abusive Non-Violent Communication (NVC). They have so many twists and turns that I cannot follow them.  He calls himself vindictive.  Then claims I called him vindictive.  The he claims that I am being vindictive.  I don't get it.  It goes on and on....the things he writes make absolutely NO sense. 

I still don't understand why he thought I was calling my ex-husband a troll.  He's uncooperative.  That does not make one a troll.  It makes one uncooperative. 

Steve is upset that I haven't told him my life story.  He's upset that I am not vulnerable around him anymore (when before I was too vulnerable).  He claims he doesn't deserve that kind of poor treatment; it is wrong for me not to trust him.  He claims to deserve my vulnerability. 

The last time I saw him, I tried to talk to him about someone throwing out my birth control pills and he told me to be quiet because the topic was too heavy.  Look...dude...if you want sex and no babies...that topic is probably important. 

How can one be vulnerable when she is shushed all the time?  I can't deal with this relationship.  We are NOT right for each other. 

He got drunk and grabbed my neck....twice!  He must've forgotten.  It's not going to be easy to open myself up to him in private now.  I am not sure I want to even speak to him again.  I have told him this many times.  The attacks are ongoing.  I am not in a position to deal with them.

He said that he writes mean things to me because I want time to myself to clean up my life.  Why can't I have time to clean up my life?  He can see other people.  Who is he to tell me that I can't do the right thing for myself and the people in my life? 

Geesh....I want my ex-husband to move out of the house.  I want to make 100K a year and become self-supporting.   Wouldn't he like that, too?  Especially if we shacked up??? Wow....

This line of reasoning makes no sense. 

I fear he's drinking again.  His emails are filled with delusions.  Those delusions scare me.  I am not in a position to help him.  His lifestyle coaches are enabling him.  This is going to get ugly for someone.  I'll feel horrible if he winds up in the hospital again.  I can't anything.

State law forbids me from acting as his therapist....ever.  We were close, so close that my giving him advice would be in violation of the law.  I can't diagnose him.  I can't tell him what appears to be going on.   I can't talk to him without it getting twisted back on towards me.  The man needs help.  It cannot come from me.  The only thing I can do is ask him to see a licensed therapist. 

The last email promised to leave his therapist in order for more one on one time with me. 

So.....

I can't talk to Steve anymore.  Every little thing is harped on and picked on.   I just can't take it anymore. 

Today Steve and one of those coaches referred to me as a wounded dog who clawed Steve's heart out.  I have never told anyone what he wrote in those emails.  They are bad.  My natural inclination is to run away.  I broke up with him.  He wanted a commitment in response.  He wants to know why I won't be vulnerable with him.  Nothing screams unhealthy more than trying to push a relationship faster than it can go. 

I've cried too many tears about it.  I have sensitive skin and the salt from my tears burns my face.  I look like a clown.  I can't afford to sit around crying anymore.

Having someone constantly criticize you is toxic.  I think I'm going to have a good day and then...BAM...I get a crazy ass email accusing me of all sorts of stuff.  Steve brings me down because he is down.  Then I bring all my friends town because I am down.  It has gotten to the point that they will actually email me to ask if Steve is driving me crazy on those days I don't post to my blog on time.  My sadness is soo bad....my ex-husband wants to hug me.  Those hugs give him erections.


No man gets a woody when he sees his ex-wife.  Especially if she's 40 pounds heavier than she was the day they married.  Yeah....I used to be anorexic.  I'm 20 pounds overweight.  I want to lose 40 pounds.

Okay.....I realize that in order to get my energy back and not be sad anymore, I have to create stability in my life. 

I'm going to do what I know.  I'm going to revamp my website the way I want it.  I'm going to sell some stuff in order to start advertising.  I'm going to go back to my political activism.


I'm going to start hanging out with my musician buddies and cheering on the bass players.  If they get too drunk, I can help 'em out. 

I'm going to visit the local campus about a P.hd. program in counseling psychology.  I do that on Wednesday.   I truly regret turning town teaching positions at a local university.  I couldn't teach there due to the stalking.  I am being told that the stalking is over.  If so, I'm going to try again.   

I'm going to stick with what I know and see if I can create a life out of that. 

I decided that I don't have the energy to deal with Steve.  I think I'm going to do a banishing spell before the moon turns new.  I either banish him now or curse the holy snot out of him later. 


Love ya,


S. 

Psychic Friends

 

Today I am thankful for my seemingly psychic friends.

I have one friend who is a psychologist.  He's an empath.  He's a bit of a shaman.  I dream of him when I am sad. 


I had a dream of him last night.  I'm laying in a common area of some government building.  Steve is there far away from me, keeping me awake with his analysis of his incessant complaints that have no basis in reality.

My psychologist buddy and his lovely lady friend are trying to clear my energy field of pain and sadness.  They are trying to activate my crown chakra and telling me to remember why I am here. 


In real life, today....my psychologist friend is now going on and on about how closing one's heart is a bad thing to do. 

I haven't closed my heart completely. 

I just need to be more choosey about the men I choose to share my heart. 

I still love.

Yesterday, I spent some time helping an elderly woman get a cake for her grandson.  I never met her before.  She stood at the bakery looking confused and asked for my help.  We spoke for awhile.  Her grandson was thirty-three.  He was a single professional.  He visited with her often.  In the end, she decided that the only thing he truly wanted was her company, so it didn't matter what kind of cake she bought.  She opted for chocolate cupcakes. 

That's love.  Love is getting the attention of a harried baker so someone you've never met gets fresh cupcakes for her grandson.

Love is shoveling the neighbor's walk. 


Love is making sure the neighborhood kids don't have to walk home alone after school.

I am just not ready for sexual love.  I thought I was but I am not.  I just do not want a sexual relationship with someone whose constant critiques and judgments of me make me feel repulsed sexually.  I am closing up my heart to sexual love right now.  I can't do it. 

Yes, I understand that when a man says that he "feels judged" it is because he's judging me.  I understand the concept of projection and that all those things he assumed about me in those vile emails are all things we sees in himself.

Damn....he went so far as to discuss making love to me in the same email where he complains that I make my ex-husband look like a troll.  That is NOT an image I can get out of my head

Worse, this guy keeps referring to my ex as my "husband."  It makes it hard to want to be with him.

I heard my ex-husband refer to me as his wife.  This is creeping me out a bit. 


The other day I sat sobbing after receiving another emotionally manipulative email from Steve.  Mike saw me.  He came to me.  Hugged me.  He was....as they say....happy to see me. 

I can't do this anymore. 


So....I have to make some major changes in my life.


I don't want to be around emotional "abusers" who haven't realized that they are emotionally abusive.  It won't change without awareness.  I don't want to be around someone who takes offense over every little thing I do so much so that I fear doing anything they can see or saying anything they can hear.  I don't want to have to explain that although I understand that I am responsible for my feelings and as this person puts it my "choice to hurt", I can simply choose to mitigate the damage by not answering his phone calls, reading his emails, or communicating with him in any fashion. 

I can prevent pain by cutting the source of it out of my life.  Why value a relationship when it is obvious that the other party does not value me?


Non-Violent Communication (NVC) can become a tool of abuse.  Anything can become a tool of abuse.  The abuse will only stop when he can open up his heart enough to trust that he does not have to control everything.  Emotional abuse is about control. 


Gosh....hasn't anyone ever told him NOT to play head games with a Pagan Hypnotist? 

UGH!!

I may write an article about emotional abuse and NVC.  This will involve research.  I can't be the only woman to endure the twisting of the tenants.

There is a push to use NVC in batterer programs.  This cannot happen. 

Abuse is about control.  The man has to get things right in his head.  He cannot use NVC to continually "repair" the relationship and then blame the victim for having "low self-respect" or feeling hurt by the abuse. 

The abuse hurts.  It hurts people economically, socially, and emotionally.  You cannot say that one chooses to feel the hurt, so the hurt isn't real.  You cannot hide behind NVC and tell the victim to take the emotion out of the communication.   Doing so ONLY MINIMIZES IT!

Maybe I'll write an article about Anarchy, tribal sociology, and covert approval.  I've seen things the past three months that make me laugh. 

Maybe one should be more wary of messing with a published behavioral science researcher than a Pagan Hypnotist.

At least now, I'll have a heck of a lot more time for writing! 

Yes, my problem was dating before I was ready to do so.  I thought I was safe because he was my friend for such a long time.  NO...do not date until you are ready because the kind of men who pressure you for a quick commitment will be the only one who ignore you when you say you want time for yourself. 

I'm 44.  I finally learned my lesson. 

That lesson is to take my time.  There is no hurry.  Things that are meant to be will unfold in their own sweet time.  Beware of the man in a hurry to steal your heart.

Love ya,


S. 

Shutting Down My Heart

 

Today I am thankful for my realization that it is time to shut down my heart.

 

 

I'm sorry.  I do not exist to have the projections of insecure men thrown in my face. 

The right man would know that shaming me won't get me horny. 

 

Seriously.....I can't cope with long, obnoxious emails from men who have read three books on psychology and claim to know more than someone with a graduate degree is psychology.

Okay...it's only one man. 

I still can't deal with it.

 

Nope. 

 

It gets old. 

 

I do so tire of the emails from my shrink friends who see what he posts to my Facebook wall. 

I don't like their judgments. 

They warn me to be careful. 

I don't know. 

 

Alrighty then....

 

I'm getting irritated.

I eat and drink too much when I'm irritated.

When I'm chunky, I don't swivel those hips as much as I like. 

Besides....

 

And, I have a stalker who hacks my accounts. 

 

So....someone knows the ugliness that this man is writing to me.

 

I am allegedly judging him (because he's judging me and projecting that judgment onto me). 

I write to him.  He doesn't read what I write.  I tell him about my life.  I tell him that I broke my toe the last time he wanted to drag me into his bedroom.  I can't wear those obnoxiously hot high heels anymore. 

I didn't hear a peep out of him about that.   

In fact, I don't think he cares about me. 

He only tells me that he feels that I am secretly judging him. 

I am not...well, maybe I am now. 

I am trying to discern whether the tears and facial contortions are worth it.  I don't know...he may just want to get me naked so he can slander me online. 

He wasn't very honorable towards me a few weeks ago. 

For some stupid reason, he thinks that I think he (or all of mankind) is a gollum or troll of some sort.

 

Oh....and I suck...and I am bad...and I am all these ugly things.  Still, he wants to know why I can't climb on top of him like a stripper in heat bathed in dollar bills.

He doesn't know I suck....because he wouldn't let me. 

I don't know. 

I haven't had a pleasant day with this guy for over two months!  Really, all I have done with him since Christmas is deflect personal attacks. 

 

How in the hell am I supposed to get wild with him when all we do is argue?

 

I don't know.

 

I cried a lot today.

 

It was so bad today my ex-husband wanted to comfort me....

 

with his woody. 

 

No more. 

 

Stick a fork in me....

 

I'm DONE.

Part of me wonders if my ex-husband didn't hire him to force me back into his arms.  Seriously, I could see this.  I could see some guy hiring a tool to scare his ex-wife into thinking all men are horrendously crazy creatures. 

It didn't work. 

I'm just tired of stupidity. 

I can easily get another guy...if I want to. 

I just would prefer to get my life in order first. 

 

Love ya,

 

S.

Fears

 

Today I am thankful to delve into my fears. 

The other day Steve had some parting words for me.  I am supposed to do that which scares me the most. 


Well....I like to play on the dark side. 


I am very religious. 


I am Pagan. 
What do I fear the most? 


Well....okay.....I fear invoking Lilith, the goddess of darkness and the mother of the djinn and the incubi. 

She was said to be Adam's first wife who left the Garden of Eden because he only liked sex one way.  Adam was allegedly a missionary man.

The last time I invoked her, I didn't kneel correctly.  I literally felt a force push me down onto one knee. 

Aphrodite, Ares, Dionysus, and Fama like you to worship them while standing with your head bowed.
I usually kneel before Isis and Osiris.  I petitioned them yesterday asking that they send Steve to his true love.  He sent me a dirty email that made me breathless.  I got so dizzy, I nearly fainted.  The blood was not moving around in my body.  My lips and hands were BLUE! I was nearly taken to the hospital.  True love does not make you sick to the point your relatives call 911.

I don't worship sex but believe that if the Gods bring you a lover, you must honor him as one would honor a God.  He becomes an altar to the God.  Turning him away is a sin. 

That was beside the point. 

This is my religion. 
It is real for me.

*****

The beautiful Lilith will help you honor her. 

I have not invoked her for about six months.  The last time I wanted help getting away from my ex-husband's control.  Sometimes she'll visit me in dreams.  She is not the monster that fable has claimed her to be.
She is the goddess of personal freedom.  She is the goddess of intelligence. 
I always get great insight from her.  Maybe I should.  Maybe I should ask her advice on getting my sexual groove back. 

*****

Other fears? 


I fear making wishes while wearing some of the jewelry I have that allegedly contain connections to the spirit world. 

I'm testing it now. 
The last time I wore on of those, I wished my ex-husband would learn that lying hurts people.  Within moments, he met the world's most dishonest cop.
Today, I put one of the charms with an alleged genie in my pocket and wished for a rotisserie oven and a bread maker.  Today I bought both of these items for $2.14.  This was the change in my pocket. 

I don't know.  Maybe it's real?  Maybe not? 


If they are real....I have to be really, super, duper careful of what I wish for. 


Something as innocent as a joke,


like "wish you were beer", "wish you were deer", or "wish you were queer",


could really make a mess of things. 

So...I don't know. 

I wish I would wish for a webmaster genie.  Wouldn't that be nice?  I need a new website.
How does one conjure that?
Oh, she learns HTML5.

*****

Other fears? 

I fear not honoring Isis and Osiris.  I think they brought me a guy.  He's frustrating me, so I am avoiding him. 

I don't know if that his honoring or dishonoring them. 

I guess I'll continue to pray and ask for guidance. 

I'm not sure what passing out after reading his emails means.

*****

Other fears?

My ex-husband wants me to re-marry him. 

There is NO sex.

I don't know why he wants to be married. 

We have only been divorced six weeks! 

I think my argument with Steve gave my ex hope we'd reconcile. 

I don't see how that will ever happen.

We're divorced.

I'm not going to be on the hook for IRS problems, for his credit problems, for his legal problems.

I am free.

I just need to figure out how to get him to change or honor the divorce agreement.

I think, though, I may have found something a little more fair.  If it works, I'll share it when it happens.  Give me two weeks.  I'll know then.

I don't want to jinx it by talking about it.  Besides, if my ex is my stalker, keeping it under wraps will keep him from sabotaging it. 

Wish me luck!

I guess I could carry one of those charms gifted to me by a witch for luck.  It is said that dormant magickal objects are lucky.

*****

Other fears?

That my visions are accurate. 

I have one more week of Mercury retrograde.  It is a psychic's nightmare.

I see things.  I do not trust what I see.

I hope it does not come to pass. 

It's scary.  It's so freaky scary that I will not write about it for fear of giving energy to it. 

To avoid the scenario, I am locking myself in a room for another week. 

It's that bad.

*****

Okay....I need to try to sleep.  I fear not waking up because of my breathing problems. 

I probably ought to get health insurance and take care of my asthma.

If I don't write again.  I probably stopped breathing in my sleep. 

The visions say I'll live another ten years. 
 

Maybe dying of asthma is scarier than what I in the visions.
 

Love ya,

S.


Edit:  I love this because I don't know if you're buying into this or just think I'm insane.

It doesn't matter. 

I haven't won the lotto.  That should give you the answer you seek as to how real my artifacts are. 

Old jewelry is cool jewelry.  If it creeps people out, that's part of the mystique.

People who think I'm crazy leave me alone.  It's a win-win.

Recognizing Red Flags

Today I am thankful that I recognized red flags before I got hit over the head with them.

Steve called me last night. 

At first, he claimed that his therapist put the idea in his head that I had no self-respect. 

I reminded him that I am a trained therapist.  I don't see clients anymore due to the stalking but one thing is certain, good therapists do not make claims or diagnoses about people they have never met.  

Even IF she said it, he didn't have to waste my time by acting as it were true. 

He was upset that I didn't believe him. 
I don't.  That's honest. 


Unless...he called me a liar.  There were times when he claimed I lied to him about the finalization of the divorce.  After he'd go nuts, then he'd claim he forgot. 

A therapist may say something like...."well, a sign of low self-respect and respect for others is lying." 


Then, too, I didn't lie.  He was too excited to listen to me.   My ex-husband hasn't been honoring the agreement to move out either.  I didn't lie.  I can prove it because I actually have court documents that back up everything I have said.  This is the only way I could see a shrink claiming that kind of thing. 


His therapist was NOT the reason he shushed me when I spoke.  His therapist was NOT the reason he grabbed my throat.  His therapist was NOT the reason he yanked my hand away from his face during an intimate moment. 

Funny thing, is that in the days following he complained that I was not vulnerable enough. 

It's difficult to be vulnerable when your shushed all the damn time. 

He claimed that his triangulation and his lies on Facebook were "artistic renderings" of our interactions that were written to make a point in front of our mutual friends.  One told me to run before "he fakes a heart attack to get me back."  One of my friends told me that he was "rude" and "not right in the head".  A third told me to "run and not look back."  A fourth thinks he's going to beat me up (but this guy has issues in that department, so I think it could be projection).  Maybe I should listen to the input of others right now. 

I am thankful that no one believed what he wrote. 

Worse.....is the mother issue.  I am having trouble that his mother not making food that he likes when he visits her home is the reason he feels disrespected by me.  I am NOT his mother. 

If my adult daughter pulled that, I'd tell her to bring her family's own food to my house.  In fact, she's a great cook.  If I make something she doesn't like, she goes into the kitchen and whips up something she enjoys.  I typically like getting to try new things. 

Maybe it is a family culture thing.  My family is a tad bit more laid back. 

A man's mother is his first relationship.  The way she treats him will impact the way he sees all women.  He must think his mother is crazy because he sure claims the women he loves are. 

When I mentioned this, he said I had daddy issues.  I was raised by my grandfather. My grandfather used to tell me to run from men who lie and make fun of women because emotional abuse was something that was only allowed in the dark ages.

So, I am crazy...with daddy issues.  Nice going.....nice way for him to twist his behavior and blame me.

If a guy tells you that he had to leave his ex-wives because they were crazy.  It is time to run, especially if he starts writing that you are crazy on social networking sites.  He says that is not what was in his heart.  Maybe not...but it is what he put out there that gave my friends cause for concern.

I duly expect to be called crazy again in the coming days and weeks.

The worst part of it will be that he will continue to label his verbal attacks as a joke -or- as him being authentic and sharing what is on his mind. 




I hate to say it but maybe this guy doesn't understand that his behavior is emotional abuse. 

I'm in the process of distancing myself from him.  I'm in a vulnerable state now due to the stuff my ex-husband is pulling.  I can't tolerate this stuff from my "best friend."


For what it is worth, avoid the guy who lies about you, verbally attacks you based on the behavior of others, ignores you, and then expects you to commit and be completely vulnerable to him too soon.

 Maybe I'll cut and paste the warning signs of a potential abuser. 

The worst part of this is that he doesn't really see how his behavior was hurtful. 

That's a shame. 

He was everything I wanted....except....that when he felt down about himself, he'd try to take me down with him.  That made it hard for me to share who I was with him.  I did not know what I could say or do that wouldn't invite judgment whenever he felt down.


He was very self-aware of what he was doing.  That is workable.  The relationship could be salvaged so long as he could control himself. 

The problem is that he has far to many justifications and excuses for his bad behavior.  He'd say things like:


"My therapist made me say it."
"My mother made me feel disrespected so I became aggressive with you."

 I can't work with that. 


I've been nursing my broken heart for nearly a month.  I guess it's time for me to go hang out with my musician buddies.  They know how to take the edge off. 


I need time to heal.  I've turned down dates with psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, and a guy that installed tile flooring (who promised me a good lay).  They understood that I wasn't ready.  They were healthy.


I guess the unhealthy ones push.  I'm going to take the time I need to get out of my mess before dating, even if it is with a guy who used to be my "best friend."  If he truly were that, he would have given me more time or, at least, not attacked me to bring him down to his level.



Love ya,


S. 

Edit later that afternoon: 

Eureka!!  I know what is going on!!!  I get it!!  I get it!!


I have never had time to recover after a break-up.  Never.....I've never had time to learn the lessons of the previous relationship.  After Thomas, the men I was with tended towards abuse.  They were always in a hurry to hook up. 

They didn't understand my need for time.  Only men with a lack of boundaries fail to understand the need for time.   The healthy men knew to keep their distance.  The hurting ones who needed my company did not.  I tended to get involved with them after months of "friendship." 

I don't like that pattern. 

This time....I want time.  I want time to get to know someone.  I want time to get my financial eggs in order.  I want time to think.  I want time to breathe.  I want time to understand the lessons of my last relationship. 

After talking to a friend of mine who is a sex therapist, one of the lessons was to get freaky.  You know....my ex and I had some good times until I wore him out. 

I also realized that he fell in love with my mystery.  Every year, I unfolded a new facet of myself and he fell in love again and again. 

These are the things I need to know.  I need to know how to make love last, how to be exciting, how to spice things up, and what to avoid in the next relationship. 

I had a couple of good developments today. 

Today, one of my former professors helped me find a program to further my career so I can make a decent wage without working for myself.  He helped me find a potential way to pay for it.

I have my first meeting on Tuesday to see if I can obtain financing.  The week after that, I'll meet with the academic advisor.  Gosh, I hope this pans out.  It'll be easier to ask my ex-husband to leave the house if I make enough money not to rely on alimony or child support.  I can't throw him out knowing that he only gets to live on 50% of his income.  If I make what he makes, he doesn't have to pay so much.

It dawned on me that the suicide talk was despair. How can a man survive on what he would be left with? Could that be part of the reason guys go on shooting rampages after divorce?

My thoughts are that so long as I play nice with him, let him stay here, do not demand child support, the stalking will end. If the stalking ends, I can work and maybe earn enough not to get alimony (or not get it beyond two years). This was a long term marriage. That man would have to pay me throughout his working life! I don't want to do that to him.   It's tacky and stupid.  I couldn't count on him while we were married.  I certainly don't want to depend on him now.

Hopefully his family can see that I am trying to rise above the fray and do what is best for everyone involved.  Let's see if the stalking and harassment ends now, shall we? 
This is what I need time to do.  I need time to take control of my life. 

Things are getting better and better with each passing day.  It's nice not wasting my mental energy on petty arguments.  I've got larger problems to solve. 

Love ya,

S.

Laughter

Today I am thankful for laughter. 

I know I shouldn't laugh.

I do. 

I am 44.5 years old.  I've been on this damn earth too long.  I get hit on by men in their early thirties because I do not look my age. 

Why? 

My theory is that when I was younger, I was on a low calorie diet.  It is said that people who eat less than 1,000 calories a day do not age. 
Why was I on a low calorie diet?

When I was sixteen years old, I modeled. 

I hated it. 

The other day, I got an email from a man trying to woo me back after sending me a series of obnoxious, abusive emails. 


The line was....the last two women he dated looked like models! 

Oh, I'm sorry.  It is very hard for me NOT to get snarky.

Did they have short hair?

I know how much he liked to play with my red curls. 
As a model, I was asked to keep my hair short because it made it easier for my employer to put wigs on me to give me the look they wanted me to have.

Did they have short nails? 

I know how much he liked for mine to dig in his back. 
As a model, short and clean nails were the rule of the day.

Did they impale you with their ribs while you were doing it?

Actually, my first love used to complain about my boney arms.   He used to say it hurt when I hugged him.  I have boobs now.  I revel in the fact that I have boobs.  I like having boobs.  I think this man liked me having boobs.

Did they wear weird shit on their face in public to keep their skin nice? 

I know how much this man likes women to look good for him.   When you're getting paid to be pretty, you have to do crazy things to keep your skin nice. I used to wear calamine lotion in public.  It's not a yummy thing to kiss. 

Did they look different in front of the camera than they did with you? 

Yeah...it's called stage make-up.  You see, being a model wasn't about being perfect.  It's about the way the light hits your face in front of the camera.   

Did it bug you when their diet consisted of frozen grapes or tissue paper? 

The girls and I had contests to see how low we could get our caloric content.  My old flame used to get creative in order to get me to eat.  He'd cook for me and buy me coffee laden with milk.  If he went out of his way to feed me, I was too kind to turn him down.  I chunked out with him.

Did their tiny bodies make their heads, hands, and feet look gigantically out of proportion?

Oh...when I go through my old photos, it shocks me to see how huge my hands looked when I held them against my tiny frame.  My head didn't quite fit.  Quite frankly, I look liked like a bobble-head back in the day!!!  Who in the world would find that attractive? 

If they looked and lived like models, I'm sorry. 

I'm not going to laugh anymore. 

If he has to say that again, I want him to tell my sister that.  She was model for many years.  I, personally, couldn't handle it.  I started turning the gigs down after having to stay perfectly still in a mall window for a day.  UGH!!!


I hated it.  It's like selling your soul, your appearance, and your dignity for an ego boost.  Modeling wasn't worth it to me.  Thankfully, I never grew to my expected 5'7" height, so I wasn't cut out for that line of work anyway. 

If it works for someone else, all the more power to that person.  Maybe I should go back to those old habits?

Naw.....

 

*****

Now, I am going to be honest.  I love this guy but I cannot handle how much pain I am getting from this relationship.  I spend a lot of time ruminating about it.  It is not a very joyful relationship for me.
I am very hurt by his behavior.  I am very exhausted by the arguments caused by projecting his mommy issues onto me.  He suspects that I am acting like her and goes on the attack. 

My ex-husband did that.  It actually led to physical abuse.  He forbade me pain relief in the hospital because he hated his mother.  I was a woman.  I was just like her, he said.  For this reason, I was expected to suffer in pain.  I was giving birth.  I had to be induced so the kid would come on HIS schedule.  It was incredibly painful.  Twenty-two hours.  I was alone for most of them.  It wasn't until a nurse checked in on me several hours in on it that someone heard my cries for help.  I was physically damaged from that ordeal (thus the kegals).  I also had to go back into therapy because it re-triggered my rape trauma.

If a man hates his mother and takes it out on you, it is the dumbest reason in the world to suffer.  It feels like a betrayal.  Our relationship died after that.

I am NOT sure I can be in a relationship like that ever again. 
I am not going to pay for the sins of the women before me!
I am not going to pay for the sins of Eve!

It is very traumatic for me to deal with a man who has mother issues that wind up projected onto me.  It triggers issues within me.  I am NOT his mother.  I do NOT do those things.  I shouldn't have to suffer because she did creepy things. 

That kind of stuff makes me clam up and not want to talk to him. 

He hasn't even seen photos of my modeling days.  He doesn't know me and the more he lashes out at me, the less likely he will get to know me. 

I've spent the past two weeks crying.  I am stuck between a controlling ex-husband and a "boyfriend" with mommy issues.  It is exhausting.  It is time for a little self-care now. 


Love ya,


S. 

Truth

Today I am thankful for the truth. 

I don't know the truth. 

I want the truth.  I lack the ability to sift through emotional and environmental stimuli to find the kernel and unifying truth in my own situations.  I can do that with other people.  I'm not good at doing it for myself. 

I think the kernel of truth in my life is that my ex-husband is still in need of control over me. 

I just endured a one hour rage storm.  I don't know why.  I was asking my ex-husband to help me define an exit plan and wound up getting raged at.  Shockingly, it reduced me to tears because most of it revolved around Steve.  Usually I sit through it.  This time, though, I broke down. 

I would hear things like

• "He doesn't love you." 
• "He's trying to hurt you." 
• "He wants to control you."  
• "Go to him, if you want."
• "Leave the house and the kids with me and go to him."

It's too late.  I let go of Steve this morning.  I am in the process of breaking up for good to keep Steve safe.  I've offered to cease being near him for a period of three months to a year to give me time to clean up this mess with my ex-husband.  I KNOW Steve will find numerous prospects by then.

I had to do it. 


There is more to the story.  Steve was typing bizarre things to me.  I don't know if he meant it or if he was tired.  Maybe he wanted a way out.  The things he was typing made little sense.  He wrote two weeks ago that I had no self-respect and couldn't give an ounce of respect to him.  Now, he's saying he didn't say that...someone else did.  I can see how hiding away due to the stalking makes me look like I lack self-respect.  It is an act of self-protection not proof that I lack self-worth or respect.

I still do not understand what the  hell does my friend have to do with defining an exit plan for my ex-husband? 

I know who the stalker is.  I caught my ex-husband following me in 2008.  That year, the City Attorney warned me that I was in danger but I didn't believe it.  After that, his sister started following me.  I know who is behind it.  Now, I'm scared. 

I don't know how to get out of this mess. 

I need a lawyer. 

I may need a safe house. 

My ex-husband is probably going to be nice for the next couple of days, so I have time.  Maybe?  He apologized.

I don't want to call the cops on him when he acts like this.  It's safer calling on Ares.  So, I'm off to do my Tuesday ritual to the God of War.

Never threaten to harm a patron to Aphrodite.  

Love ya,

S.
Next Day Edit:  My ex-husband was nice to me today.  There was no yelling.  There was no bitching about Steve.  He promised to type out a plan for him leaving the house.  He want to stay to help me with the kids until I can make enough money to cover all of the bills without needing alimony.  He also offered to have my car looked on on Friday. 

At least the yelling is over for now. 

I don't know what is going on with Steve and I.  I think he's trying to work it out.  I don't know.  I can't understand written communication as much as I can understand in-person communication. I haven't seen him in almost a month, so I do not know what is going on there.

I'm off to do my Wednesday ritual to Hermes.  Yes, I know Mercury is retrograde but still, he is one of the most interesting deities.   I wish I could be as crafty as he.  Man...if I could, I would be a stellar salesman!!    

Love ya,

S. 



Being a Geezette

Today I am thankful that I am a geezette.

The stuff in this song used to apply to me.  When I was younger, I hated going out in public because I was always hit on.  I quit wearing make-up and nothing changed.  It didn't matter what I did, some creepy dude would always ask me out.

That changed when I hit about 30.  I realized that if I put on 15 pounds men stopped smacking my ass.  My life improved immeasurably at that point.

Now, I'm old and can run around in public without being whistled at.  I guess I can finally drop that final twenty pounds. 

Even old and fat, I still get the occasional free drink though.   I don't know why. 

Love ya,


S.

Blinders as a Lifestyle Strategy

Today I am thankful for a new strategy for changing my life: I am going to put my blinders on.

I had a girlfriend point out what romance was.  She said that it wasn't chocolate and flowers.  She said that romance was the little things like being considerate, making food the other person likes, giving him the last cookie, telling him that you care, listening to him talk about his day, giving your energy in order to make his life easier. 

Holy shit! 

I'm doing that stuff for the wrong man! 

I thought I was being a good roommate...but no!  I'm romancing the guy I'm trying to get rid of!!! 

I wasn't doing it for the guy who needed it!

I get it!!! 

I get it now!!! 

I know why I am stressed out and feeling scattered! 

I'm doing too much!!!  I'm taking care of two men but not getting my needs met in the process.  I still cry myself to sleep at night.  I still sleep alone.  I don't know what I can do without triggering stalking or having my car taken away from me.  I don't know what I can invest in because my money has not been given to me.  I'm lost.  I'm alone.  I want my life to be different.

I am breathless.  I've been sick for about a month now.  I've actually fainted twice in the past week.  I don't want to tell anyone that or I'd end up in the ER.  I am pretty sure that this cold is triggering my asthma. 

The cold is probably due to lowered immunity due to stress. 

*****

I wanted to make a plan to get my ex-husband out of my daily life.  What would he need to move on?  Can we put together a time frame or a list of goals?  What do we need to do?  Does he really want the house?  Can I move out? 
That wasn't what he wanted to talk about.  He knew I was pushing the issue so I could try again with my friend. 
My ex-husband spent about an hour telling me that Steve is going to beat me up. 

No, he won't. 

Projection?

No....I don't know.  To me it seems like a ball exhibition.  Steve came to the house to make eye contact with my ex last month, it seemed like an attempt to stake a claim.  My ex is badmouthing Steve.  It is a male ball showing competition.  I hate it.  It bores me to death. 
I am tired of this.  If I had money, my ex-husband would be off the alimony hook.  I could afford to romance the right guy.  So, I'm gonna flip off my stalker(s) and start making dough.  Hey, if one of them hurts me and I get on the news, maybe I can get some advertising out of it.

So....I am going to shift strategies.  Instead of trying to make everyone happy, I am going to focus on work and making me happy. 

I'm going to put on my blinders and keep the things that I want in my sights.  I'll keep my eyes on the prize.

Let's see if that makes things change soon. 

Love ya,

S.



Huggie Jackets w/ edits

Today I am thankful for straight jackets. 

My (ex?) boyfriend, Steve, wants us to make a commitment to each other.

I guess that means he needs a longer hug. 

The only commitment I understand is one that involves being registered as a patient in a mental hospital.
Heaven help us. 

I do have major concerns about this. 

First, the rants and emotional obnoxiousness got worse when we became an item.  A commitment?  That could make it worse.  Unless, the rants came about because it has been three years and I haven't given him a commitment. 

I don't know.  He's been itching to seal the deal since 2013. 

I love him.  I don't know why thinking you've lost your best friend always makes men want to formalize the arrangement.  Do they pick fights so they can spring those kind of ideas on us?

On one hand, it does seem like a genius way to force the issue at home.  If I make a public commitment to my friend, then my ex-husband will have to move on. 

This could be a helpful ploy.  I don't know. 

Secondly, it could make the stalking worse.  It could trigger a 'no one else can have Siegfried'  freaky, scary response.  I don't want that. 

I'm going to think long and hard about this. 

Is love enough for a commitment? 

Is it a safe thing to do at this point in time?

I wanted to have all my ducks in a row before I did anything like that.  I wanted to be making six figures.  I wanted to have money in the bank. 

I don't have these things. 

What should I do? 

I don't know. 

Maybe I should slow down. 

I am making a heck of a lot of assumptions about what a commitment entails. 
Maybe he only wants a one week at a time commitment. 

Maybe he wants a commitment to emailing once a day, or seeing each other every other weekend.  It may not be as freaky, scary as I'm making it out to be.

Maybe it's nothing....maybe?

I'll talk to him. 

I may need couples counseling (even if he doesn't go).  I am afraid of some of those issues we have. 
I guess throwing people away isn't my style. 

Love ya,


S.

Edit:

I thought about it.  I tried to fall asleep thinking about it. 

I couldn't sleep. 

I drank one half of a liter of ginger flavored vodka. 

I finally fell asleep. 

I had horrific nightmares.  I'm carrying my friend across the street and putting my back out.  We're fighting all he time.  In my dreams I eventually run off to Canada to get away. 

Can you believe that?

Canada!

It's my subconscious mind thinks I'm being drafted into a war of some sort!!

It was horrid.

There is only one answer. 

I mean, I understand insecurity.  I understand that insecurity causes men to do all sorts of creepy things to women. 

I understand that commitment soothes insecurity. 

The fact is that the creepy things were done.  That makes Siegfred feel insecure about making a commitment to this man. 

So....

The answer has to be...no. 

When he hears this, I expect a bunch more creepy shit to come at me. 

I guess I'm ready for it. 

Edit Two:


So, I'm thinking about it. 

Today is the day I honor Isis and Osiris.  I'll give them their Monday offering and ask their advice. 

I think the issue is the fighting.  It set our relationship back quite a bit. 

I have the urge to start over.  We need to get to know each other again without all the bullshit.

I don't know. 


I wanted to take Steve to my hometown and show him the places that bring me joy.  I don't know.  Maybe I shouldn't do that.  I have so many spells cast in that place.  I used to walk around with Thomas and Michael through the hot foot powder and past the little voodoo bundles in the hopes that it would break our connections.

It never seemed to work. 


It would kill me if those anti-connection spells decided to work on Steve.




The other issue is that I need to make sure my ex-husband knows that it is over. 

He says he knows that it is over. 


He says we are divorced.

He won't honor the divorce agreement. 

I'm asking him for a timeline for moving out of the house. 

He's dodging the issue. 
I'm asking if I should move out of the house.
I am told 'no.'

I need that timeline so I know what I can do with my life. 

Without it....everything is up in the air. 

Having everything up in the air is kind of creepy. 

I don't know. 

I really don't know. 


This is the problem.  This is the reason for the insecurity.  My ex-husband is still in my life on a daily basis.  I am still doing his laundry.  I am still making his food (meat and potatoes are not things that I would typically eat).  I clean up after him.  I try to impress his bosses because if he gets promoted, he moves to Oregon.  Please....please...please....get that promotion!  I'd do anything....well almost anything....it would be a miracle and solve so many problems in my life.  I want to see this guy succeed so far that he's 500 miles away!
I don't know. 

I really don't know. 


Maybe it is time to cast a spell. 

I'll think about it. 

The last thing I want to do is piss off my deities.  If they sent Steve to me and I send him packing or hurt him, it's a sin. 


The funny thing is that this development falls in line with the vision they gave me on Friday.  Steve and I were at a reservoir near his house making what I thought was the biggest mistake of our lives. 

I wonder.....would we be so stupid as to do that?

I'll ask for advice. 

My world is crazy.  I want it to start making a lot more sense. 

If things are meant to be, they'll happen.  They'll happen without much fanfare. 

Worrying about it only prolongs the inevitable because we are spending so much time worrying that we are not getting anything done. 


I'm going to stop worrying about it.


Love ya,


S. 

Persona Suicide Watch

Today I am thankful that I am getting a sense of what is really going on.  I am  nearly ready to throw away my identity. 

I hate my life. 


Steve was the first new love interest in 25 years.  Every other man interested in me was an ex. 


Now, Steve is an ex. 


He's trying to woo me back my pretending that we didn't break up.  He is writing me really romantic emails trying to explain everything away as two people who do not understand their relationship. 


Okay....I miss him blind.  I can't handle narcissistic, vindictive bullshit.  I need to understand that first.


Now,  I have Mike.  He's my ex-husband who is portraying our sexless marriage and divorce as a way to make me happy by sending me away with another guy.   He says our never ending celibacy streak was a mistake.  He says our divorce is a mistake.


He says he gets "hard" every time he looks at me.


So, this is why he gave me advice that led to my break-up with Steve.  I get it!  I'm sooo slow.

He told me that changing my online status to "divorced" would make the stalking stop.  I did that because having the stalking stop would give me my life back.

When I changed my status, Steve was confused. I tried explaining it to him online but then Mike made it clear that he was watching the discussion.  I never got to tell Steve why I changed my status.  Steve picked a stupid fight about politics and turned on me like a rabid pit bull.  We broke up. 

You know, my internal bullshit detector is busted.  I need a new one.

*****

Mike thinks he has a chance with me. 

He has made it known that he doesn't want Steve near me or the girls. 


What in the world?  Help? 
Man, I've got to get out of here. 
Seriously.....
I have got to run! 
Where shall I go? 
I don't know how to leave.  I was given the house in the divorce. My ex was supposed to sign over the title to my mini-van, split some of the bank accounts and move out by November 1, 2013. 


None of that happened.  The money has never been split.  I haven't worked for anyone other than myself for 17 years.  I don't know where to get a good paying job.  I was hoping to use my divorce settlement to get job training.  It's being spent.  There will be nothing left by the time he signs it over to me.

What do I do? 


I am really uncomfortable now. 


My gut instinct is to avoid the house until my ex moves out. 

Maybe I need to change my persona.  Would that turn him off?  I have changed my persona so much and nothing turns him off.  I think men actually like uncovering unknown facets of my personality.  I guess the mystery is a turn on.


When Mike and I were "separated" between 2006 and 2011, I could hang out with my musician buddies, do politics, and have a business.  Then I started visiting with my high school sweetheart.  The moment he re-entered my life, the stalking suddenly became worse.  I wouldn't learn who was behind it until January 2013. 


My ex-husband's sister is doing the bulk of it.  The cops say he's asking her to harass me.




Help?
My life is passing me by while I wait for the stalking to stop and this mess to be cleaned up. 
Is it worth running off?  Is it worth leaving everything behind?
I had a police officer tell me that no house was worth my life.  She urged me to go to a shelter.
I'll pray for answers.  
What should I do?
What good is a divorce agreement when one party simply treats it like a piece of paper?
I'll figure it out. 
This is just too much crap for me to deal with.  It really is. 

Love ya,


S.

P.S.  The above video gives me an idea.  I actually have Geisha outfits.   I wonder if Mike will leave is I started wearing those and practicing Japanese. 


Hell, it's worth a shot.

Sadly, the chorus of Mr. Roboto is the extent of the Japanese I am familiar with

.

You know, that video gives me an idea, too.  Could I disguise myself as a robot so that I can escape from this jail?

I'm Killroy!!


Okay...that might be too much. 


I'll contact Legal Aid. 


Sigh.....