Today I am thankful for my 4:00 a.m. meditations.
For the past few months, I've been falling asleep around midnight and awakening around 4:00 a.m. for a vision quest. I will hallucinate talking to djinn of all things but will wind up with information that I can use in my daily life.
The problem though is that it interferes with my sleep so much that I am not getting enough REM. I wind up napping about an hour every morning.
I started doing this on those nights I visited Steve. The Djinn that would visit me at his house called himself Aronde. Those were fun dreams. He told me never to leave this guy because he loved me and even a djinn couldn't find another person who fit me so well.
This was funny. In the days that followed, I would learn that Steve lied to me. That all of our early contacts were liquor laden. He has mother problems that he projects on to me. All his exes were crazy and so am I. He generally dates women who look like models and this is NOT me anymore. He is very critical of me and wonders why we don't have a very deep connection. He feels entitled to this deep sexual connection and he demands this connection....now. I don't know how to tell him that he is so judgmental that I am afraid to jump on top of him and make his day for fear he'd critique my cellulite or technique. Worse, he has a habit of taking everything to Facebook. I don't want the world knowing that the homemade Copper Peptide serum has temporary darkened the stretch marks on my abdomen.
I can't be with him because he has managed to lose my trust. I can't even read his emails without getting headaches. They are now being filtered into an archived folder. I can't deal with him at all.
Last night, I envisioned a female djinn with a name I cannot pronounce. She told me that the missing money was funding an apartment and that my ex-husband was prepared to move out once he knew we were over. She said that Steve and I breaking up gave my ex-husband renewed hope that I'd be with him again, so he stays at this house.
Oh....that would make sense.
I made a wish. I wished for a severed connection with Steve and to put an end to the sadness. She told me that I'd have to call him to make sure he knew we broke up. I don't want to hear that voice. He twists everything!
Since the djinni ruled that wish out. I wished that he could get some help. I am afraid for his state of mental health. I can't be near that right now. I will make it worse. I am really frustrated with a coach I used to refer my politician buddies to. That coach is enabling him. He will never get another referral from me....ever!
I love how my subconscious mind hallucinates djinn to tell me all of those things my conscious mind is afraid to contemplate.
I am going to start acting on the advice I get in the middle of the night. If anything fun happens, I'll document it here.
Love ya,
S.