Fears

 

Today I am thankful to delve into my fears. 

The other day Steve had some parting words for me.  I am supposed to do that which scares me the most. 


Well....I like to play on the dark side. 


I am very religious. 


I am Pagan. 
What do I fear the most? 


Well....okay.....I fear invoking Lilith, the goddess of darkness and the mother of the djinn and the incubi. 

She was said to be Adam's first wife who left the Garden of Eden because he only liked sex one way.  Adam was allegedly a missionary man.

The last time I invoked her, I didn't kneel correctly.  I literally felt a force push me down onto one knee. 

Aphrodite, Ares, Dionysus, and Fama like you to worship them while standing with your head bowed.
I usually kneel before Isis and Osiris.  I petitioned them yesterday asking that they send Steve to his true love.  He sent me a dirty email that made me breathless.  I got so dizzy, I nearly fainted.  The blood was not moving around in my body.  My lips and hands were BLUE! I was nearly taken to the hospital.  True love does not make you sick to the point your relatives call 911.

I don't worship sex but believe that if the Gods bring you a lover, you must honor him as one would honor a God.  He becomes an altar to the God.  Turning him away is a sin. 

That was beside the point. 

This is my religion. 
It is real for me.

*****

The beautiful Lilith will help you honor her. 

I have not invoked her for about six months.  The last time I wanted help getting away from my ex-husband's control.  Sometimes she'll visit me in dreams.  She is not the monster that fable has claimed her to be.
She is the goddess of personal freedom.  She is the goddess of intelligence. 
I always get great insight from her.  Maybe I should.  Maybe I should ask her advice on getting my sexual groove back. 

*****

Other fears? 


I fear making wishes while wearing some of the jewelry I have that allegedly contain connections to the spirit world. 

I'm testing it now. 
The last time I wore on of those, I wished my ex-husband would learn that lying hurts people.  Within moments, he met the world's most dishonest cop.
Today, I put one of the charms with an alleged genie in my pocket and wished for a rotisserie oven and a bread maker.  Today I bought both of these items for $2.14.  This was the change in my pocket. 

I don't know.  Maybe it's real?  Maybe not? 


If they are real....I have to be really, super, duper careful of what I wish for. 


Something as innocent as a joke,


like "wish you were beer", "wish you were deer", or "wish you were queer",


could really make a mess of things. 

So...I don't know. 

I wish I would wish for a webmaster genie.  Wouldn't that be nice?  I need a new website.
How does one conjure that?
Oh, she learns HTML5.

*****

Other fears? 

I fear not honoring Isis and Osiris.  I think they brought me a guy.  He's frustrating me, so I am avoiding him. 

I don't know if that his honoring or dishonoring them. 

I guess I'll continue to pray and ask for guidance. 

I'm not sure what passing out after reading his emails means.

*****

Other fears?

My ex-husband wants me to re-marry him. 

There is NO sex.

I don't know why he wants to be married. 

We have only been divorced six weeks! 

I think my argument with Steve gave my ex hope we'd reconcile. 

I don't see how that will ever happen.

We're divorced.

I'm not going to be on the hook for IRS problems, for his credit problems, for his legal problems.

I am free.

I just need to figure out how to get him to change or honor the divorce agreement.

I think, though, I may have found something a little more fair.  If it works, I'll share it when it happens.  Give me two weeks.  I'll know then.

I don't want to jinx it by talking about it.  Besides, if my ex is my stalker, keeping it under wraps will keep him from sabotaging it. 

Wish me luck!

I guess I could carry one of those charms gifted to me by a witch for luck.  It is said that dormant magickal objects are lucky.

*****

Other fears?

That my visions are accurate. 

I have one more week of Mercury retrograde.  It is a psychic's nightmare.

I see things.  I do not trust what I see.

I hope it does not come to pass. 

It's scary.  It's so freaky scary that I will not write about it for fear of giving energy to it. 

To avoid the scenario, I am locking myself in a room for another week. 

It's that bad.

*****

Okay....I need to try to sleep.  I fear not waking up because of my breathing problems. 

I probably ought to get health insurance and take care of my asthma.

If I don't write again.  I probably stopped breathing in my sleep. 

The visions say I'll live another ten years. 
 

Maybe dying of asthma is scarier than what I in the visions.
 

Love ya,

S.


Edit:  I love this because I don't know if you're buying into this or just think I'm insane.

It doesn't matter. 

I haven't won the lotto.  That should give you the answer you seek as to how real my artifacts are. 

Old jewelry is cool jewelry.  If it creeps people out, that's part of the mystique.

People who think I'm crazy leave me alone.  It's a win-win.