Giving In Like A Bohemian

Today I am  thankful that I am giving up and living my old Bohemian life. 

I used to live on faith. 

I was orphaned as a kid and spent a good chunk of my teenage years alone.  Everything I needed came to me. 

If I needed bus fare, I'd find it on the street. 

I wanted the experience of being a model, I got it.

I wanted a bass guitar, someone gave me one. 

My life was one of constant stream of synchronistic miracles. 

That was before Thomas, before he decided he was going to be my everything. 

Don't you like that? 

A man decides he's going to be my everything. 

That didn't pan out so well.  I trust him.  I always take his advice but his Siegfred limit is three hours.  After about three hours with me he starts to go nuts. 

I'm not good for him. 

He comes round when I am in danger to talk sense into me then he'll leave for like....a decade. 

He is a symbol of my former Bohemian life. 

The universe always provides for me. 

So....

Not to bitch...but my ex hasn't given me my portion of the divorce settlement.  He's spent a little over a third of what I was given....since we signed the separation agreement!  It's almost been six months since we were supposed to have been divorced, he was supposed to move out, and my life was supposed to be my own. 

I am still living in the same situation but with less access to resources.  I can't figure out how to leave without access to resources.  Yes, I got the house but I value my freedom more. 

I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this. 

I lent him $300 of the last $500 I have in my pocket so he could repair the van I gave him.  If I didn't give him my van, he'd lose his job.  If he loses his job, he can't pay child support in the future.  Worse, if he loses his job, he'll stay here and drive me crazy. 

Now, I have to run off and find a way to pay my office rent. 

If he'd have told me he needed the money on Monday, I'd be better off.  I spent $80 on a special order gift for Steve he'll never get.  I spent $50 on a set of tiny little Ben Wa balls so I could get tight (but....no reason to do that now).  I spent $15 on a custom dress to help a small business get off the ground.  I spent $30 on my website.

That money could have helped pay for half of his repair bill!  I guess I have to learn to budget better!

I just wanted to feel prettier and hornier.  I also wanted to revamp my websites so I sell more stuff. 

I am a Bohemian.  I can get the money I need.  

I just have to rid myself of my fear and the negative energy I am experiencing.

*****

I have spent the past two days sorting through several mean emails from Steve.  They are hurtful.  I realize that he's upset that my ex hasn't left.  I am sure he's upset that it impacted my ability to be with him. 

I noticed that the accusations he had of me are truly things he's doing to me. 

Claiming that I was spreading lies about him online, then finding that he was lying about me.

Claiming that I was playing games, then playing games with me.

The worst one was threatening to harass me.  I have a real stalker and so threatening to become "annoying" and harassing is a real difficult threat for me. 

I warned him NOT to do that because I don't want him blamed for the stuff I'm dealing with from my ex and his family.  He took that as a threat!

I was trying to be kind. 

I am sad and heart-broken. 

He has started to spread lies about me online.  That's a friendship deal breaker.  I have to block him and never speak to him again.  

I had to ask him to stop emailing me because our conversations were twisted and posted online as a part of his painful pity party.  

That broke my heart, too. 

I wish he understood my stalker stalks him and everything he posts I'll hear about. 

Oh....and I was told that my sister-in-law was harassing me so Mike would divorce me and leave.  I'm not sure that's true.  It would seem silly but, just in case, I changed my Facebook relationship status to reflect my divorce in the hopes that this nightmare would be over.

If that does the trick, I'm all over it!

*****

Over the past week, I had several dreams of the God Aries impaling Steve.  In the dreams, I'm crying and asking why.  His reply is that Steve was plotting to harm an altar to Aphrodite. 

That was weird but given what is happening, I'm realizing that my intuition was picking up on something weeks ago that caused us to distance from each other. 

He was telling me to be quiet.  He was telling me that the things I was speaking about were too deep and then simultaneously complaining that I wasn't telling him everything.  He even told me that he didn't want to take me out to certain restaurants to eat because I didn't want to be messy. 

So....after spending the last night with him I found that I couldn't kiss him.  I couldn't feel him.  I couldn't stomach the thought of ever having sex with him from that moment forward.   There was just a weird energy in the relationship. 

A few days later, he rescinded an invitation without telling me.  At that moment, I knew we were over. 

Then he started attacking me online.  I wish he wouldn't do things so publicly. 

I just wished he would have had me replaced so I wouldn't have had to see countless rude and unfair judgments float past my eyes online. 

I am sick to my stomach.  I am crying my eyes out.  I have never had anyone I love smear me publicly like that. 

Thomas never did.

Ross tried to kill me but that was because he "loved" me and didn't want anyone else to have me.  The worst thing he ever said about me was that I took on too many projects and it made me spacey. 

Mike says nice things about me to everyone.  He just acts in a bizarre fashion and likes to control everything in my life.  He gives his family information they use to stalk me but he never goes public with his ass-hat statements.  Ever!!

Mike has been here the past two days.  He's worried about me because all I do is cry.  Now, of course, he says he wants me back and if I don't find anyone else he wants to try again.  I will never date another man so long as Mike is in this house.  It muddles the issue too much.
 

In all my years, I have never had anyone be so mean and spiteful to me!  I wanted to do the right thing.  All I am getting are accusations, so I am going to try to avoid everything surrounding Steve.   

No one I have ever loved has lied about me so much!   

Wow....

What did I do to attract this into my life?

The Scorpios can be mean but everything out of their mouths is fairly truthful (even if they are manipulative, in that case they only share half of the truth)!  In the past, I've only dated Scorpios.  I will never again date a Leo.  They lie!!! 

And, if my friends knew he was this crazy....why didn't they say anything three years ago?

Well...okay...Amy told me to never see him again and she's been trying to set me up with men who look like him.  I don't think that would go well for me right now.  I'd probably just cry. 

Everyone can be a fortune teller....looking backwards.

I am in pain. 

I am a Bohemian.  This must be good for me on some level.  Maybe being alone will give me more time for things I really want to do. 

At least now I can work on the weekends without worry that it will kill my relationship. 

It's dead...so why not. 

I have got to try to cleanse my brain of the pain of those nasty emails.  He wrote that I'm a fake, fraudulent, lying, dishonest, bitch who wants a lap dog and lacks self-respect. 

Okay.....sure....

He also wrote a bunch of evil things hurtful on Facebook.  We have only a few friends in common, thank God!

I blocked him but then he claimed that I was badmouthing him online, so I unblocked him.  That way he could see for himself that I didn't say a bad thing about him.  Then he started posting nasty shit about me. 

I have to wait another 48 hours to block him again. 

I wonder, is Steve bi-polar?

That would explain it. 

If so, who is going to be there when he comes crashing down? 

Maybe he's not bi-polar.  Maybe I just bring out the crazy in men. 

I hope he finds a hottie to ease whatever ails him.

*****

I am sitting here with my throbbing broken toe from the last time I was with him. 
That is going to be my only reminder of this mess, my toe that is healing crookedly because I never had it set. 

Isn't that a funny momento?

He's a good man, just a tad bit insecure.  I don't know what to do with insecure men.

I just wanted to spend time with my best friend.  He wanted an intimate relationship and he was probably the only person I could trust with that.  It just didn't work out.

I don't want to have my friends harassed by my partner. 

I lost him.   He claims the issue is about my disrespecting his non-conventional education, or his political ideology, or whatever...

It's not about politics.

I think I lost him because I can't get my ex to move out of the house and understand why his sister is stalking me. 

That's too much to take in any relationship.  I won't even answer the door anymore.

It was impossible for Steve to sneak over for a quickie. 

It was impossible for me to be free enough to be the sexual being I truly am. 

I want this nonsense to stop. 

How can one be spontaneous in this situation? 

One can't. 

*****

I am still hurt that Steve went bonkers when I suggested that my friends involved with Occupy held Anarchist ideals.  He called them socialists and got weird when I defended them. 

One of them nearly got arrested tonight because he argued with a doctor of the care of his ill wife. He decided to sue the city for harassment because the government shouldn't have that kind of power.

Another one, he's been suing to make medical marijuana more accessible to poor people.  He's a minister.  Today he was quiet because it was his wedding anniversary. 

The third one, today, she started to write about how Anarchist ideals are true to their cause.  She likes the idea that there can be no masters, no rulers, and no laws except the golden rule which wouldn't be enforced by the state. 

You see? 

Things are SO bad politically that people from all walks of life are reaching the same conclusion!!!  The government has too much power!!!


Why get nasty for that?

Steve is so hooked on labels, he doesn't get it. 

This will be the official reason for our break up.  I'm a "fraudulent politician" who defends social programs for the poor (which we wouldn't need if we could reduce regulation and taxes).   It is because I can't get free of my ex-husband.  I am sad because I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I think of things I shouldn't think about.  I'd never do those things but the thought of finally being free does appeal to me on some deep, innate level. 

I am sad.  Steve seems to be narrow minded.  He seems to be narrow hearted.  I don't know. 

My heart is in pain because I let it open up to someone.  Now, I've got to rip him from my heart. 


Wish me luck. 


Love you lots,

S.