Skip to main content

Truth

Today I am thankful for the truth. 


I don't know the truth. 

I want the truth.  I lack the ability to sift through emotional and environmental stimuli to find the kernel and unifying truth in my own situations.  I can do that with other people.  I'm not good at doing it for myself. 

I think the kernel of truth in my life is that my ex-husband is still in need of control over me. 

I just endured a one hour rage storm.  I don't know why.  I was asking my ex-husband to help me define an exit plan and wound up getting raged at.  Shockingly, it reduced me to tears because most of it revolved around Steve.  Usually I sit through it.  This time, though, I broke down. 

I would hear things like


  • "He doesn't love you." 
  • "He's trying to hurt you." 
  • "He wants to control you."  
  • "Go to him, if you want."
  • "Leave the house and the kids with me and go to him."


It's too late.  I let go of Steve this morning.  I am in the process of breaking up for good to keep Steve safe.  I've offered to cease being near him for a period of three months to a year to give me time to clean up this mess with my ex-husband.  I KNOW Steve will find numerous prospects by then.

I had to do it. 


There is more to the story.  Steve was typing bizarre things to me.  I don't know if he meant it or if he was tired.  Maybe he wanted a way out.  The things he was typing made little sense.  He wrote two weeks ago that I had no self-respect and couldn't give an ounce of respect to him.  Now, he's saying he didn't say that...someone else did.  I can see how hiding away due to the stalking makes me look like I lack self-respect.  It is an act of self-protection not proof that I lack self-worth or respect.


I still do not understand what the  hell does my friend have to do with defining an exit plan for my ex-husband? 
I know who the stalker is.  I caught my ex-husband following me in 2008.  That year, the City Attorney warned me that I was in danger but I didn't believe it.  After that, his sister started following me.  I know who is behind it.  Now, I'm scared. 

I don't know how to get out of this mess. 

I need a lawyer. 

I may need a safe house. 

My ex-husband is probably going to be nice for the next couple of days, so I have time.  Maybe?  He apologized.

I don't want to call the cops on him when he acts like this.  It's safer calling on Ares.  So, I'm off to do my Tuesday ritual to the God of War.

Never threaten to harm a patron to Aphrodite.  



Love ya,

S.
Next Day Edit:  My ex-husband was nice to me today.  There was no yelling.  There was no bitching about Steve.  He promised to type out a plan for him leaving the house.  He want to stay to help me with the kids until I can make enough money to cover all of the bills without needing alimony.  He also offered to have my car looked on on Friday. 

At least the yelling is over for now. 

I don't know what is going on with Steve and I.  I think he's trying to work it out.  I don't know.  I can't understand written communication as much as I can understand in-person communication. I haven't seen him in almost a month, so I do not know what is going on there.

I'm off to do my Wednesday ritual to Hermes.  Yes, I know Mercury is retrograde but still, he is one of the most interesting deities.   I wish I could be as crafty as he.  Man...if I could, I would be a stellar salesman!!    

Love ya,

S. 










Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004.  We ran into her at a Wal-mart in 2005 and my keys went mi
Read more

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor his financial
Read more

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP and when he is stressed out
Read more