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Truth

Today I am thankful for the truth. 


I don't know the truth. 

I want the truth.  I lack the ability to sift through emotional and environmental stimuli to find the kernel and unifying truth in my own situations.  I can do that with other people.  I'm not good at doing it for myself. 

I think the kernel of truth in my life is that my ex-husband is still in need of control over me. 

I just endured a one hour rage storm.  I don't know why.  I was asking my ex-husband to help me define an exit plan and wound up getting raged at.  Shockingly, it reduced me to tears because most of it revolved around Steve.  Usually I sit through it.  This time, though, I broke down. 

I would hear things like


  • "He doesn't love you." 
  • "He's trying to hurt you." 
  • "He wants to control you."  
  • "Go to him, if you want."
  • "Leave the house and the kids with me and go to him."


It's too late.  I let go of Steve this morning.  I am in the process of breaking up for good to keep Steve safe.  I've offered to cease being near him for a period of three months to a year to give me time to clean up this mess with my ex-husband.  I KNOW Steve will find numerous prospects by then.

I had to do it. 


There is more to the story.  Steve was typing bizarre things to me.  I don't know if he meant it or if he was tired.  Maybe he wanted a way out.  The things he was typing made little sense.  He wrote two weeks ago that I had no self-respect and couldn't give an ounce of respect to him.  Now, he's saying he didn't say that...someone else did.  I can see how hiding away due to the stalking makes me look like I lack self-respect.  It is an act of self-protection not proof that I lack self-worth or respect.


I still do not understand what the  hell does my friend have to do with defining an exit plan for my ex-husband? 
I know who the stalker is.  I caught my ex-husband following me in 2008.  That year, the City Attorney warned me that I was in danger but I didn't believe it.  After that, his sister started following me.  I know who is behind it.  Now, I'm scared. 

I don't know how to get out of this mess. 

I need a lawyer. 

I may need a safe house. 

My ex-husband is probably going to be nice for the next couple of days, so I have time.  Maybe?  He apologized.

I don't want to call the cops on him when he acts like this.  It's safer calling on Ares.  So, I'm off to do my Tuesday ritual to the God of War.

Never threaten to harm a patron to Aphrodite.  



Love ya,

S.
Next Day Edit:  My ex-husband was nice to me today.  There was no yelling.  There was no bitching about Steve.  He promised to type out a plan for him leaving the house.  He want to stay to help me with the kids until I can make enough money to cover all of the bills without needing alimony.  He also offered to have my car looked on on Friday. 

At least the yelling is over for now. 

I don't know what is going on with Steve and I.  I think he's trying to work it out.  I don't know.  I can't understand written communication as much as I can understand in-person communication. I haven't seen him in almost a month, so I do not know what is going on there.

I'm off to do my Wednesday ritual to Hermes.  Yes, I know Mercury is retrograde but still, he is one of the most interesting deities.   I wish I could be as crafty as he.  Man...if I could, I would be a stellar salesman!!    

Love ya,

S. 










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