Today I am thankful that I recognized red flags before I got hit over the head with them.
Steve called me last night.
At first, he claimed that his therapist put the idea in his head that I had no self-respect.
I reminded him that I am a trained therapist. I don't see clients anymore due to the stalking but one thing is certain, good therapists do not make claims or diagnoses about people they have never met.
Even IF she said it, he didn't have to waste my time by acting as it were true.
He was upset that I didn't believe him.
I don't. That's honest.
Unless...he called me a liar. There were times when he claimed I lied to him about the finalization of the divorce. After he'd go nuts, then he'd claim he forgot.
A therapist may say something like...."well, a sign of low self-respect and respect for others is lying."
Then, too, I didn't lie. He was too excited to listen to me. My ex-husband hasn't been honoring the agreement to move out either. I didn't lie. I can prove it because I actually have court documents that back up everything I have said. This is the only way I could see a shrink claiming that kind of thing.
His therapist was NOT the reason he shushed me when I spoke. His therapist was NOT the reason he grabbed my throat. His therapist was NOT the reason he yanked my hand away from his face during an intimate moment.
Funny thing, is that in the days following he complained that I was not vulnerable enough.
It's difficult to be vulnerable when your shushed all the damn time.
He claimed that his triangulation and his lies on Facebook were "artistic renderings" of our interactions that were written to make a point in front of our mutual friends. One told me to run before "he fakes a heart attack to get me back." One of my friends told me that he was "rude" and "not right in the head". A third told me to "run and not look back." A fourth thinks he's going to beat me up (but this guy has issues in that department, so I think it could be projection). Maybe I should listen to the input of others right now.
I am thankful that no one believed what he wrote.
Worse.....is the mother issue. I am having trouble that his mother not making food that he likes when he visits her home is the reason he feels disrespected by me. I am NOT his mother.
If my adult daughter pulled that, I'd tell her to bring her family's own food to my house. In fact, she's a great cook. If I make something she doesn't like, she goes into the kitchen and whips up something she enjoys. I typically like getting to try new things.
Maybe it is a family culture thing. My family is a tad bit more laid back.
A man's mother is his first relationship. The way she treats him will impact the way he sees all women. He must think his mother is crazy because he sure claims the women he loves are.
When I mentioned this, he said I had daddy issues. I was raised by my grandfather. My grandfather used to tell me to run from men who lie and make fun of women because emotional abuse was something that was only allowed in the dark ages.
So, I am crazy...with daddy issues. Nice going.....nice way for him to twist his behavior and blame me.
If a guy tells you that he had to leave his ex-wives because they were crazy. It is time to run, especially if he starts writing that you are crazy on social networking sites. He says that is not what was in his heart. Maybe not...but it is what he put out there that gave my friends cause for concern.
I duly expect to be called crazy again in the coming days and weeks.
The worst part of it will be that he will continue to label his verbal attacks as a joke -or- as him being authentic and sharing what is on his mind.
I hate to say it but maybe this guy doesn't understand that his behavior is emotional abuse.
I'm in the process of distancing myself from him. I'm in a vulnerable state now due to the stuff my ex-husband is pulling. I can't tolerate this stuff from my "best friend."
For what it is worth, avoid the guy who lies about you, verbally attacks you based on the behavior of others, ignores you, and then expects you to commit and be completely vulnerable to him too soon.
Maybe I'll cut and paste the warning signs of a potential abuser.
The worst part of this is that he doesn't really see how his behavior was hurtful.
That's a shame.
He was everything I wanted....except....that when he felt down about himself, he'd try to take me down with him. That made it hard for me to share who I was with him. I did not know what I could say or do that wouldn't invite judgment whenever he felt down.
He was very self-aware of what he was doing. That is workable. The relationship could be salvaged so long as he could control himself.
The problem is that he has far to many justifications and excuses for his bad behavior. He'd say things like:
"My therapist made me say it."
"My mother made me feel disrespected so I became aggressive with you."
I can't work with that.
I've been nursing my broken heart for nearly a month. I guess it's time for me to go hang out with my musician buddies. They know how to take the edge off.
I need time to heal. I've turned down dates with psychiatrists, doctors, lawyers, and a guy that installed tile flooring (who promised me a good lay). They understood that I wasn't ready. They were healthy.
I guess the unhealthy ones push. I'm going to take the time I need to get out of my mess before dating, even if it is with a guy who used to be my "best friend." If he truly were that, he would have given me more time or, at least, not attacked me to bring him down to his level.
Love ya,
S.
Edit later that afternoon:
Eureka!! I know what is going on!!! I get it!! I get it!!
I have never had time to recover after a break-up. Never.....I've never had time to learn the lessons of the previous relationship. After Thomas, the men I was with tended towards abuse. They were always in a hurry to hook up.
They didn't understand my need for time. Only men with a lack of boundaries fail to understand the need for time. The healthy men knew to keep their distance. The hurting ones who needed my company did not. I tended to get involved with them after months of "friendship."
I don't like that pattern.
This time....I want time. I want time to get to know someone. I want time to get my financial eggs in order. I want time to think. I want time to breathe. I want time to understand the lessons of my last relationship.
After talking to a friend of mine who is a sex therapist, one of the lessons was to get freaky. You know....my ex and I had some good times until I wore him out.
I also realized that he fell in love with my mystery. Every year, I unfolded a new facet of myself and he fell in love again and again.
These are the things I need to know. I need to know how to make love last, how to be exciting, how to spice things up, and what to avoid in the next relationship.
I had a couple of good developments today.
Today, one of my former professors helped me find a program to further my career so I can make a decent wage without working for myself. He helped me find a potential way to pay for it.
I have my first meeting on Tuesday to see if I can obtain financing. The week after that, I'll meet with the academic advisor. Gosh, I hope this pans out. It'll be easier to ask my ex-husband to leave the house if I make enough money not to rely on alimony or child support. I can't throw him out knowing that he only gets to live on 50% of his income. If I make what he makes, he doesn't have to pay so much.
It dawned on me that the suicide talk was despair. How can a man survive on what he would be left with? Could that be part of the reason guys go on shooting rampages after divorce?
My thoughts are that so long as I play nice with him, let him stay here, do not demand child support, the stalking will end. If the stalking ends, I can work and maybe earn enough not to get alimony (or not get it beyond two years). This was a long term marriage. That man would have to pay me throughout his working life! I don't want to do that to him. It's tacky and stupid. I couldn't count on him while we were married. I certainly don't want to depend on him now.
Hopefully his family can see that I am trying to rise above the fray and do what is best for everyone involved. Let's see if the stalking and harassment ends now, shall we?
This is what I need time to do. I need time to take control of my life.
Things are getting better and better with each passing day. It's nice not wasting my mental energy on petty arguments. I've got larger problems to solve.
Love ya,
S.