Today I am thankful for understanding and how that gives me the ability to forgive.
The latest break-up played out over Facebook. Many of my friends are politicians and/or therapists. I guess I attract people just like myself into my life.
It was sad. The Senate Majority Leader shared my post about the Student Lunch Program. Those posts are what cost me my relationship. Steve doesn't understand, people who could make a difference are watching! We could argue about things of little consequence....or we could lead.
I was sad.
The thing that hurt me the most was the stuff that I allegedly said that I didn't. A lot of this stuff he claimed I said was degrading towards him. I never said these things. I never said that he thought he "knew better than" other people. I never said he was ugly (crap, he looks like my dad and I'd like to think my dad good looking). I never said he was cruel, rude, mean, abusive (his words and behaviors were).
He hid behind Non-Violent Communication to excuse letting it all hang out.
I don't need to put up with stuff like that to be with a man. Heck, I don't really need a man.
I never told anyone that he would grab my neck. This was why I was afraid to kiss him. I thought I could get over it. I never did.
I did write that he called me submissive. I know I took issue with our sexual incompatibility. Some things can be fixed through time (one day he probably would have let me enjoy every last drop...he could learn to like fellatio).
When I mentioned this to a therapist buddy, she thought he was trying to groom me to be submissive.
I don't think so.
There is another possibility. He was thinking about the women from his past. Women who cheated on him. Women who called him ugly. Women who disrespected him in public. Women who called him rude, cruel, abusive, and whatever else he claimed I said.
He projected all those things onto me because he hadn't worked them out in his mind.
He was listening from his past.
I was listening from my past. When men put words in my mouth, claim I'm wanting to cheat on them and leave them for other people, or put their hands on my throat....I think they are going to beat and/or rape me.
It's happened a couple of times before.
I have learned to run away and never look back. I married one of them; just because you're married doesn't mean the rape hurts any less. I married him when I was a teenager. The marriage lasted a few months. The separation and divorce lasted four years!
I will never put myself in that position again.
It's not throwing someone away if you try to protect yourself from abusive behavior. I will never love anyone enough to put up with that. Besides, when men behave in abusive ways because they can't control their anger, they tend to spiral down into guilt and shame. It's hard to watch someone you love hurt like that.
It's best to break the cycle and spare them that pain.
He thought I was submissive. He thought I would put up with it.
I am not submissive.
I am easy going.
I like to try everything once.
I'll let other people take the wheel until they start veering me off my course, then I take control. It tends to shock people. It upsets them. That's okay.
Now, I am debating whether or not I should ever make myself available to refute the bullshit he claims I said. Those are things his mother said. Those are things his ex-wife said. He needs someone to let him get the shit out.
Damn, if I ever called him ugly....my dad would be spinning round in his grave!
He looks like a young version of my dad.
So....there you go.
Ladies...it is not our job to be a man's whipping post (unless you like that kind of thing). It's not our job to allow a man's subconscious angst to be projected onto us.
If a man isn't steady in his course,
If he's paranoid,
If all the other problems on the planet are caused by other people,
If he cannot take responsibility for his own behavior and life,
If he has an external locus of control,
If he blames other people for his lot in life,
he will eventually blame you.
The blame always comes down onto the person closest to a man like that.
And if you love a man like that, that means YOU!
I went through my diary and recounted all the times he said that I made him uncomfortable. He started saying that several months before we became an item. He never told me why.
In those emails I got this week, he said the same thing. I made him uncomfortable. He never said why. He was vague.
I can't handle vague. Vague typically means it's a consciously conjured piece of crap hurled at you in the hopes that it will stick.
So...I don't know.
It's not our job to put up with bad behavior from men. We don't have to do that. Even if we love a man, it's easier to walk away before we get saddled with a marriage certificate or a baby or a mortgage. What starts with delusion tends to end with physical abuse. Making up stuff is a sign of delusional behavior.
I had to leave while I can.
I did give some thought into ways to salvage the relationship. It would take couples counseling. I think that there may be severe introversion at play. Additionally, there could be techniques to diffuse the issues of low self-esteem and bring trust into the relationship.
I don't think that is appropriate at this point. I will continue to ask Isis to bring him to the woman he was meant to be with.
Me?
No...I don't know.
Steve liked depictions of black and white dragons. He liked the way they intertwined and claimed it was proof of the electrical universe. It was the way the ancients interpreted electricity in the sky.
To a Pagan like myself, the dragons entertained is a symbol of undying love. One solicits the help of dragons to ask them for help in finding the person one is best suited for.
If he weren't so obnoxious, I'd teach him the ritual.
Tonight, I'm doing a love releasing ritual. I found walnuts for .50 cents (lucky) and have eggs and lemon balm tea. I will let him go.
I did this with Thomas years ago. I kept having nightmares that he broke his leg in a car crash. I would sob for an hour after waking up because I loved him and the thought of him being in pain hurt me deeply. I still loved him even though I hadn't seen him in fifteen years (at the time).
The spell didn't work because the damn squirrels dug up the walnuts and ate them. Thomas came back to visit (looking just like he did in my dreams). Soon afterwards, he broke his leg in a skydiving accident.
Now...I have to do the ritual again for Steve. At least I hope something good comes from this.
Mothers, be nice to your sons. Love them. Treat them like human beings not little soldiers. When you destroy them, when you judge them, when you tell them to stuff their feelings down and take it "like a man".....you cause trouble for the women who are yet to come into his life.
I'm kind of ticked that Steve made the break up public. Now, my ex-husband is kissing my hand and helping around the house. To me, this is proof that my theory about the stalking is accurate. It is being done to stay in a "relationship" with me.
Maybe I should do two love releasing rituals.
Let me get started.
Love ya,
S.
Edit: I don't know if I should say what I bought Steve for Valentine's Day. It is a huge leather Book of Shadows with a brass latch that he was eyeing at a shop we visited two weeks ago.
Maybe I should keep it. I could record all the spells I cast.
Every spell I cast changes my fate. I should stop casting them.
I was sad that our sex life was going downhill, so I cast one to increase my sex appeal in the hopes it would bring the fireworks back. Maybe this was why my relationship died. He started to fear that I would cheat on him with other men.
If I kept a journal of all my spells, it would make it easier to break them. I probably should have broken that one the first time he thought another man was hitting on me. I never told him but the man he thought was hitting on me was asking advice on what to give his wife for Valentine's Day. He wasn't hitting on me. He loved his wife!
I don't know....
I don't cast many.
The book reminds me of Steve, so I should find a new home for it.
Sigh....
One thing that I have learned through all of this is that life is good....even at its worst...life is beautiful.
The other thing that I have learned as a witch is that if things aren't meant to be, don't force them. If it is not meant for you, the magick won't last. Spells always work but if they are not meant to be, the magick will always be fleeting.
So do NOT settle until you find those things and that love where the magick never dies.
Cheers!