Laughter

Today I am thankful for laughter. 

I know I shouldn't laugh.

I do. 

I am 44.5 years old.  I've been on this damn earth too long.  I get hit on by men in their early thirties because I do not look my age. 

Why? 

My theory is that when I was younger, I was on a low calorie diet.  It is said that people who eat less than 1,000 calories a day do not age. 
Why was I on a low calorie diet?

When I was sixteen years old, I modeled. 

I hated it. 

The other day, I got an email from a man trying to woo me back after sending me a series of obnoxious, abusive emails. 


The line was....the last two women he dated looked like models! 

Oh, I'm sorry.  It is very hard for me NOT to get snarky.

Did they have short hair?

I know how much he liked to play with my red curls. 
As a model, I was asked to keep my hair short because it made it easier for my employer to put wigs on me to give me the look they wanted me to have.

Did they have short nails? 

I know how much he liked for mine to dig in his back. 
As a model, short and clean nails were the rule of the day.

Did they impale you with their ribs while you were doing it?

Actually, my first love used to complain about my boney arms.   He used to say it hurt when I hugged him.  I have boobs now.  I revel in the fact that I have boobs.  I like having boobs.  I think this man liked me having boobs.

Did they wear weird shit on their face in public to keep their skin nice? 

I know how much this man likes women to look good for him.   When you're getting paid to be pretty, you have to do crazy things to keep your skin nice. I used to wear calamine lotion in public.  It's not a yummy thing to kiss. 

Did they look different in front of the camera than they did with you? 

Yeah...it's called stage make-up.  You see, being a model wasn't about being perfect.  It's about the way the light hits your face in front of the camera.   

Did it bug you when their diet consisted of frozen grapes or tissue paper? 

The girls and I had contests to see how low we could get our caloric content.  My old flame used to get creative in order to get me to eat.  He'd cook for me and buy me coffee laden with milk.  If he went out of his way to feed me, I was too kind to turn him down.  I chunked out with him.

Did their tiny bodies make their heads, hands, and feet look gigantically out of proportion?

Oh...when I go through my old photos, it shocks me to see how huge my hands looked when I held them against my tiny frame.  My head didn't quite fit.  Quite frankly, I look liked like a bobble-head back in the day!!!  Who in the world would find that attractive? 

If they looked and lived like models, I'm sorry. 

I'm not going to laugh anymore. 

If he has to say that again, I want him to tell my sister that.  She was model for many years.  I, personally, couldn't handle it.  I started turning the gigs down after having to stay perfectly still in a mall window for a day.  UGH!!!


I hated it.  It's like selling your soul, your appearance, and your dignity for an ego boost.  Modeling wasn't worth it to me.  Thankfully, I never grew to my expected 5'7" height, so I wasn't cut out for that line of work anyway. 

If it works for someone else, all the more power to that person.  Maybe I should go back to those old habits?

Naw.....

 

*****

Now, I am going to be honest.  I love this guy but I cannot handle how much pain I am getting from this relationship.  I spend a lot of time ruminating about it.  It is not a very joyful relationship for me.
I am very hurt by his behavior.  I am very exhausted by the arguments caused by projecting his mommy issues onto me.  He suspects that I am acting like her and goes on the attack. 

My ex-husband did that.  It actually led to physical abuse.  He forbade me pain relief in the hospital because he hated his mother.  I was a woman.  I was just like her, he said.  For this reason, I was expected to suffer in pain.  I was giving birth.  I had to be induced so the kid would come on HIS schedule.  It was incredibly painful.  Twenty-two hours.  I was alone for most of them.  It wasn't until a nurse checked in on me several hours in on it that someone heard my cries for help.  I was physically damaged from that ordeal (thus the kegals).  I also had to go back into therapy because it re-triggered my rape trauma.

If a man hates his mother and takes it out on you, it is the dumbest reason in the world to suffer.  It feels like a betrayal.  Our relationship died after that.

I am NOT sure I can be in a relationship like that ever again. 
I am not going to pay for the sins of the women before me!
I am not going to pay for the sins of Eve!

It is very traumatic for me to deal with a man who has mother issues that wind up projected onto me.  It triggers issues within me.  I am NOT his mother.  I do NOT do those things.  I shouldn't have to suffer because she did creepy things. 

That kind of stuff makes me clam up and not want to talk to him. 

He hasn't even seen photos of my modeling days.  He doesn't know me and the more he lashes out at me, the less likely he will get to know me. 

I've spent the past two weeks crying.  I am stuck between a controlling ex-husband and a "boyfriend" with mommy issues.  It is exhausting.  It is time for a little self-care now. 


Love ya,


S.