Today I am thankful for straight jackets.
My (ex?) boyfriend, Steve, wants us to make a commitment to each other.
I guess that means he needs a longer hug.
The only commitment I understand is one that involves being registered as a patient in a mental hospital. Heaven help us.
I do have major concerns about this.
First, the rants and emotional obnoxiousness got worse when we became an item. A commitment? That could make it worse. Unless, the rants came about because it has been three years and I haven't given him a commitment.
I don't know. He's been itching to seal the deal since 2013.
I love him. I don't know why thinking you've lost your best friend always makes men want to formalize the arrangement. Do they pick fights so they can spring those kind of ideas on us?
On one hand, it does seem like a genius way to force the issue at home. If I make a public commitment to my friend, then my ex-husband will have to move on.
This could be a helpful ploy. I don't know.
Secondly, it could make the stalking worse. It could trigger a 'no one else can have Siegfried' freaky, scary response. I don't want that.
I'm going to think long and hard about this.
Is love enough for a commitment?
Is it a safe thing to do at this point in time?
I wanted to have all my ducks in a row before I did anything like that. I wanted to be making six figures. I wanted to have money in the bank.
I don't have these things.
What should I do?
I don't know.
Maybe I should slow down.
I am making a heck of a lot of assumptions about what a commitment entails.
Maybe he only wants a one week at a time commitment.
Maybe he wants a commitment to emailing once a day, or seeing each other every other weekend. It may not be as freaky, scary as I'm making it out to be.
Maybe it's nothing....maybe?
I'll talk to him.
I may need couples counseling (even if he doesn't go). I am afraid of some of those issues we have.
I guess throwing people away isn't my style.
Love ya,
S.
Edit:
I thought about it. I tried to fall asleep thinking about it.
I couldn't sleep.
I drank one half of a liter of ginger flavored vodka.
I finally fell asleep.
I had horrific nightmares. I'm carrying my friend across the street and putting my back out. We're fighting all he time. In my dreams I eventually run off to Canada to get away.
Can you believe that?
Canada!
It's my subconscious mind thinks I'm being drafted into a war of some sort!!
It was horrid.
There is only one answer.
I mean, I understand insecurity. I understand that insecurity causes men to do all sorts of creepy things to women.
I understand that commitment soothes insecurity.
The fact is that the creepy things were done. That makes Siegfred feel insecure about making a commitment to this man.
So....
The answer has to be...no.
When he hears this, I expect a bunch more creepy shit to come at me.
I guess I'm ready for it.
Edit Two:
So, I'm thinking about it.
Today is the day I honor Isis and Osiris. I'll give them their Monday offering and ask their advice.
I think the issue is the fighting. It set our relationship back quite a bit.
I have the urge to start over. We need to get to know each other again without all the bullshit.
I don't know.
I wanted to take Steve to my hometown and show him the places that bring me joy. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't do that. I have so many spells cast in that place. I used to walk around with Thomas and Michael through the hot foot powder and past the little voodoo bundles in the hopes that it would break our connections.
It never seemed to work.
It would kill me if those anti-connection spells decided to work on Steve.
The other issue is that I need to make sure my ex-husband knows that it is over.
He says he knows that it is over.
He says we are divorced.
He won't honor the divorce agreement.
I'm asking him for a timeline for moving out of the house.
He's dodging the issue.
I'm asking if I should move out of the house.
I am told 'no.'
I need that timeline so I know what I can do with my life.
Without it....everything is up in the air.
Having everything up in the air is kind of creepy.
I don't know.
I really don't know.
This is the problem. This is the reason for the insecurity. My ex-husband is still in my life on a daily basis. I am still doing his laundry. I am still making his food (meat and potatoes are not things that I would typically eat). I clean up after him. I try to impress his bosses because if he gets promoted, he moves to Oregon. Please....please...please....get that promotion! I'd do anything....well almost anything....it would be a miracle and solve so many problems in my life. I want to see this guy succeed so far that he's 500 miles away!
I don't know.
I really don't know.
Maybe it is time to cast a spell.
I'll think about it.
The last thing I want to do is piss off my deities. If they sent Steve to me and I send him packing or hurt him, it's a sin.
The funny thing is that this development falls in line with the vision they gave me on Friday. Steve and I were at a reservoir near his house making what I thought was the biggest mistake of our lives.
I wonder.....would we be so stupid as to do that?
I'll ask for advice.
My world is crazy. I want it to start making a lot more sense.
If things are meant to be, they'll happen. They'll happen without much fanfare.
Worrying about it only prolongs the inevitable because we are spending so much time worrying that we are not getting anything done.
I'm going to stop worrying about it.
Love ya,
S.