Relationship Weight

 

 

Today I am thankful because I'm beginning to shed the relationshit weight.

I had two too many men in my life two weeks ago. 

And then suddenly there were none! 

Life is good!

I hate how we turn into our childhood issues when we begin to experience true intimacy.  I always attract projecting men with controlling mamas.   They tend to be hyper-alert.  They tend to read into everything and worry too much.  They tend to project stuff: Everything they are doing to you, they claim you've done to them. 

Which should make me happy that the last guy didn't claim I gave him anal without lube.

Sigh.....

That very situation is why I wear 5" heels.

Actually, I didn't wear those around him because he was fun size.  He was 5' 6" and half penis.  Let me tell you, that guessing the size thing by starting at shoes....well, that's a myth!

It was weird towering over him in my heels.  I opted for shorter ones while he were around. 

I miss him but I don't know if I want to deal with numerous crazy emails where I wrote something innocent and had him think it meant I wanted another man. 

I don't want anyone else. 

My childhood issue?  I was alone.  I had a lot of books.  I had my bass guitars and saxophones.  I had my art supplies. If my parents abused me, they sent me to bedroom to hang out alone. 

When men get emotionally abusive, I want to hang out by myself and create dark works of art.

My favorite thing is feeling beautiful, so I can spend my alone time creating beautiful things.  I love being in love and having free time to create music and art that inspired me towards horniness. 

I haven't done that for a long, long time. 

*****

I am torn by what to do.  I meditate.  Mercury is retrograde, so I am not sure if I am seeing what I should be seeing in my visions. 

In twenty minutes, I have to do my annual soul mate ritual tonight to attract the right guy and get rid of those that are not good for me.  I like doing that, it makes the room smell like roses.

I do believe that Steve was listening from his past.  Women must've said he sucked, he reeked, he was icky and all those other shitty things he claimed I said about him.

He was being cruel and abusive in those emails.  I don't know if I can tolerate that from anyone. 

I hope he kicked me away because he found someone hot!

That statement must come from my past, too.  I was flitted from home to home after my parents died because I was the redheaded child no one wanted.  No one wanted me nor my art supplies.  The cycle ended when I was seventeen.  I lied about my age, rented an apartment, got a job, and ran away from "home".

***** 

 

My home life is a little less crazy as Mike no longer senses competition.  I don't know how long that is going to last.  The games will pick up if I don't find a way out of here soon. 

One day at a time. 

Who divorces his wife and then refuses to honor the agreement and leave? 

This is the most bizarre situation I have ever encountered in my life. 

I've seen some crazy things, too. 

 

 

*****

 

Fifteen minutes to go.....

There was a funny Facebook post from a guy I knew a while back.   He lives a thousand miles away, so it's no issue. 

He asked if he could be my "Stunt Valentine". 

I don't know what to say.  He's never seen or heard the real me.  He doesn't know I'm dirty. 

Neither did Steve because he was always so damn judgmental. 

When I think of the phrase "Stunt Valentine", I think of dangerous things.....like trying to get it on while rolling down a hill, or dangling off of something naked, or trying to pilot a plane like a porn star. 

Sigh....

I want to tell him no.  It's too soon.  It's almost an insult to Steve. 

I'll try ignoring it for a few hours. 

*****

I took the blocks off so now both Steve and Mike can see my posts on every social network.  So can stalker Shannon.

I have nothing to hide. 

I hope this stalking harassment business is finally over. 

I was told that once the public knew I was divorced, the stalking would end.  I made that public knowledge for as long as I could tolerate it.  It cost me a relationship. 

I hope the stalking shit is truly over now. 

I shouldn't be too sad. The relationship was going nowhere because my ex was still here anyway. 

Some men just push relationships too fast.  Real relationships take time. They are like shoes that you have to wear to get comfortable in.  You don't just meet a guy, fall in love with his mind, then fall in love with his penis, fuck 'em, and stay with him forever. 

You have to get to know each other.....slowly.  You have to walk the path together for awhile in order to get cozy with the other's sense of direction.   

 

 

*****

I've got to go cast my circle now. 

Oh, Goddess....please don't bring me another ex. 
 

Last year, I got Steve.  I may have got him back in 2011.  I cast the spell to rid myself of two exes that year. 

That's weird...because back then I only had three.

I probably shouldn't call them X's.

Because X is the symbol for the rune Gebo....which means ties that do not die. 

Drat....none of them, so far, have left and not looked back. 

*****

I did have an ephiphany today.  It is that I have always rewarded myself with musical instruments during every break-up.  Okay, I also bought them when I got a tax refund, spare money, or found them on sale. 

I once could have had a one girl band because I had so many keyboards, guitars and woodwinds.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to banish Steve.  He loses his cool every three weeks or so (around the new moon), claims I'm running away from him (or some other weird stuff) and we break up.  I could always just buy an instrument every month or so and instrument and regain my collection. 

There could have been a plus to the dizzying and confusing online arguments. 

It's too late now. 

Maybe next time, I'll do what other women do.  I'll just eat chocolate. 

It's cheaper. 
 

Wish me luck in the coming days!  I want my life to look totally different by the first of March.  It's time I was more available to other people in the community and not hiding in fear. 

Love ya,

 

S.