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The Siegfred Freak Out

Today I am thankful that I have confirmation about who the stalker is and that I should honor my intuition.
 
I am beginning to freak out a little bit.

If my ex-husband is cyber-stalking Steve, he is most likely my stalker.  He admitted to doing this yesterday because he wanted "to keep me safe."  Hmmmmmm......

Yeah, that's why he allegedly harassed me at work and cost me jobs.

Sadly, I thought that blocking Steve from all my accounts would stop the stalking.  I guess not.  It does explain how Shannon knew where I was and how to find me. 


I'm still trying to process this. 

My ex-husband does not really consider it stalking so much as "research."  This makes me wonder, could the entire family system justify the harassment as "research."  Are they acting independently of each other?  Are they acting in concert?  I wish I knew.  Would it do any good? 

Do I need to move to another state in order to survive?

For some reason, it was important to my ex-husband that my Facebook status said "divorced."  He said that was to appease his sister.  I don't know. 

This is all very confusing for me.  The victim advocates tell me not to try to understand the mind of a stalker.  They do not act in reasonable ways.



I cannot sleep.  I toss and turn and wonder how to get away from this mess.  I cannot access the money so I cannot access lawyers to enforce or change up the agreement.  I feel stuck. 

I don't like casting spells.  It changes everything. 


I don't know what to do. 

I'm still praying about it.  I spend four hours in meditation every day.  I don't understand the visions.  It could be due to Mercury Retrograde. 


*****

I am still reeling from the attacking emails Steve sent.  He claimed I had no self-respect but wouldn't tell me why.  He said he didn't like how I was in relationships but didn't say why.  He said that he'd  disassociated from the relationship, so I don't know why he'd complain if I ended it. 

He said a lot of really ugly things about me.  Then he turned around and claimed that I said a lot of really ugly things about him. 


I'm still reeling.  My friends tell me that he's insecure and that is why he went on the attack.  He was afraid that I would cheat on him or leave him for someone else.  In the last few weeks, that is pretty much what he'd say.  I'd try to tell him what was going on over here and my plans for ending it but he'd tell me to be quiet. 

I don't know.  Maybe one should only date people with her level of education and attractiveness as to NOT make him worry about being cheated on.  I did not want anyone else.  I thought he was attractive enough but every so often, he'd take offense to something innocent I wrote and claim I was pushing him away for being ugly. 

If he's ugly, it is not his appearance.  The only thing I find ugly about Steve is his propensity to project his feelings of inadequacy onto me.  He typically does this in emails, so I cannot feel what he is trying to say.  I am an empath.  I need to be near someone in order to "read" them.


It's sad.  It may take a few more days to process this. 



*****


On the bright side, if my ex-husband is hacking my gmail account, he knows how much Steve hates me.  Maybe it'll stop now. 

It took me far too long to understand that my ex-husband was the real stalker.  The cops told me two years ago.  I didn't really believe it until last week.  There was always a possibility it was his sister. 
 

I just had hoped that hiding Steve from all my social networking sites would keep him from being stalked.  I guess it doesn't matter.  My ex-husband knew his name and his face.  Steve keeps all his stuff public, so it is too easy to keep tabs on him.

Maybe....if he's gone...my ex-husband's interest in him will wane. 

I love Steve.  I just can't be with him.  I can't be with anyone.

I want him and his kids to stay safe. 
Love is one thing.  Trust in another.  By running around lying about me and being two-faced in those vile emails,  Steve has lost my trust.  I am not sure he will ever get it back.


*****


There is one more positive development. 

I was offered another office in a location filled by Conservative gun-toting politicians.  It would be at a reduced rate. 

I may take them up on it.  I would never be alone. 

For that reason, I will spend today creating recordings to sell in order to raise revenue for office rent. 


Wish me luck. 


Love ya,


S. 

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