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Shutting Down My Heart

 
Today I am thankful for my realization that it is time to shut down my heart.
 
 
I'm sorry.  I do not exist to have the projections of insecure men thrown in my face. 

The right man would know that shaming me won't get me horny. 
 
Seriously.....I can't cope with long, obnoxious emails from men who have read three books on psychology and claim to know more than someone with a graduate degree is psychology.

Okay...it's only one man. 

I still can't deal with it.
 
Nope. 
 
It gets old. 
 
I do so tire of the emails from my shrink friends who see what he posts to my Facebook wall. 

I don't like their judgments. 

They warn me to be careful. 

I don't know. 
 
Alrighty then....
 
I'm getting irritated.

I eat and drink too much when I'm irritated.

When I'm chunky, I don't swivel those hips as much as I like. 

Besides....
 
And, I have a stalker who hacks my accounts. 
 
So....someone knows the ugliness that this man is writing to me.
 
I am allegedly judging him (because he's judging me and projecting that judgment onto me). 

I write to him.  He doesn't read what I write.  I tell him about my life.  I tell him that I broke my toe the last time he wanted to drag me into his bedroom.  I can't wear those obnoxiously hot high heels anymore. 

I didn't hear a peep out of him about that.   

In fact, I don't think he cares about me. 

He only tells me that he feels that I am secretly judging him. 

I am not...well, maybe I am now. 

I am trying to discern whether the tears and facial contortions are worth it.  I don't know...he may just want to get me naked so he can slander me online. 

He wasn't very honorable towards me a few weeks ago. 

For some stupid reason, he thinks that I think he (or all of mankind) is a gollum or troll of some sort.
 
Oh....and I suck...and I am bad...and I am all these ugly things.  Still, he wants to know why I can't climb on top of him like a stripper in heat bathed in dollar bills.

He doesn't know I suck....because he wouldn't let me. 

I don't know. 

I haven't had a pleasant day with this guy for over two months!  Really, all I have done with him since Christmas is deflect personal attacks. 
 
How in the hell am I supposed to get wild with him when all we do is argue?
 
I don't know.
 
I cried a lot today.
 
It was so bad today my ex-husband wanted to comfort me....
 
with his woody. 
 
No more. 
 
Stick a fork in me....
 
I'm DONE.

Part of me wonders if my ex-husband didn't hire him to force me back into his arms.  Seriously, I could see this.  I could see some guy hiring a tool to scare his ex-wife into thinking all men are horrendously crazy creatures. 

It didn't work. 

I'm just tired of stupidity. 

I can easily get another guy...if I want to. 

I just would prefer to get my life in order first. 
 
Love ya,
 
S.

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