Venus Meditations

 

Today I am thankful for my new realization. 

In my world, Friday is the day of love (reminds of The Cure - lol).  It's true.  Friday is the day of Venus. 

Exhausted as I was after work, I went to my altar and lit a candle asking that my friend find whatever his life is lacking.

Then I went upstairs and did my Friday night ritual to Aphrodite. 

I lit a candle asking that I gain confidence in my ability to love.  I also ask that I recognize true love. 

I was too exhausted to linger so I tried to fall asleep. 

Have you been too tired to sleep? 

It's horrible. 

Your mind goes round and round - 

you might recall things that happened recently

(like the doctor telling me to be careful because I haven't hit menopause yet and I say, "not worried about it" while thinking that it's a good time to be in a sexual drought - hooray for me), 

or things going on at work 

(that I can hypnotize little cranky babies to sleep without saying a word - that's the highlight of my job), 

or school 

(at least the practicum is only 600 hours - do I really have to hunt down a marriage license from 1989 to prove my name was Smith for a few months?) 

or love. 

The love insight was weird. 

I'm still trying to process all of it. 

I'll give it a go. 

If I fail, I'll come back for edits. 

The first insight is that love kinda snuck up on me when I was too young to know how to avoid it.  I was only sixteen so I was too immature to even think it should be something to be afraid of. 

If I knew to be afraid of it, I could have avoided it.  

I'm terrified of being eaten by a shark so I don't cut my arms and swim in the ocean.  . 

There are some fears I don't face; bull riding, jumping out of airplanes and cuddling Cobras. 

I avoid these things that I fear. 

I'm petrified of love. 

I was too naïve to understand the power of what would happen letting my friend hold my hand while watching a sex scene in "The Fly" on October 1, 1986. Worse, he had to explain what balls were to me.  Apparently they were in the protagonist's medicine cabinet.  I can't watch any Jeff Goldblum movie without laughing now. 

I was too dumb to know that I needed to run from love.  Love is like a parasite that ate my soul.  It'll probably always be a part of me. 

It's there.  It's not going away soon. 

I have to find a way to live with it. 

All these years, I have coped with prayer.  My prayer is this 

"please send all the love I have for [name] to his wife or girlfriend so that he gets the benefits of that experience." 

There was a time I wasn't sure if he was bi or not (blame the gossip) so the prayer used to contain the word "love" instead of wife or girlfriend.  After meeting him in 2008, I realized the gossip was wrong. 

This has gone on for almost Thirty-Three flippin' years. 

Imagine the pain I feel when I learn from him that he's lonely. 

All of those prayers were wasted.  

That may explain why I still feel the love.  It has nowhere to go. 

(enter the thought - does he need a small puppy**?) 

*****
Last night, as I tried to fall asleep and enter a hypnogogic state,  

I saw visions of angels and a beautiful figure in a rose colored golden dress. 

There is a question posed to me. I'll try remember it. 

It was along the lines of - 

"You won't date your friends because you are afraid of hurting them due to your imperfections.  Why not date your friends because you love them enough to avoid hurting them?" 

Hmmmm. 

I'm pondering that today. 

I've prayed for every guy I've turned down for dates. 

The first thought is that every guy I've prayed for the way I'm praying for my friend is married.  They married within two years of my prayer.  They found their love nearly immediately. 

Except one - I know he has a girlfriend, though.  He is the swatter of bees and used to protect me during protests because bees like red hair.  I've known him 12 years.  I love him.  I'm worried about him.  I will always admire him because he has the ability to call me out when I fuck up and lose my sense of class (which is far more often than I care to admit). 

Recently he's started to like every single thing I post to social media.  This is not like him. Something is wrong. I'm worried for him. 

If I prayed for him, he'd find what he needed.

Aphrodite is generous. 

That is why I ask her. 

*****

Then I thought about other people who have met people, married and gotten divorced all within the past five years. 

What happened to them? 

Did they not date a true friend? 

Probably. 

Maybe I'm going about this all wrong? 

Still, I've got to fix those pesky feelings from my past before I can create a road for another person. 

It's platonic love.  It's still love. 

It could make someone awfully jealous.

Mike was incredibly jealous. 

I never want another stalker situation on my hands again. 

Love ya, 

S. 

Edit: After some time, I realized that the stalking has kept me from people I care for and friends I love deeply.  I've decided to focus on improving my relationships.  I need to be a better friend. 

*****

**Speaking of small dogs: 

This is Houston on the day I adopted him.  I got him when I was at a city adoption fair and a guy was ready to adopt him and asked "can I leave him at my apartment alone for three weeks at a time while I travel?" 

I rescued the worried shelter worker by demanding the dog.  She directed the man to the cats.

That day, I didn't expect to adopt a dog.  I feared what would happen if I didn't.  

No, he can't have Houston. 

Houston scared away the stalkers. Little dogs are fierce and mean. He was said to have come to Colorado following the floods in Texas.  He's a survivor and a tough little cookie.  

The Houster is staying with me. 

.