(**This song has a line about counting the days since the end of a relationship. How many days have passed since May 1, 1987? That's a scary thought, isn't it? I'm a therapist because I can't math...sorry....)
Today I am thankful for prayer.
I have slept about eight hours a night for a week now.
There have been no freaky dreams; no deaths, no limbs lost, no nasty shit in public, no causing people to cheat on their wives,
it's been nice.
My wrinkles are softening again.
I'm trying to be nicer.
I finally realize it's September. For some damn reason, I think it's July.
This is really working.
I think it's the prayer.
It could partially be the ritual, too.
I still come home and light a ten hour candle asking for an unspecified miracle for the person I used to have nightmares about.
Then I go upstairs and light another candle asking that I find whatever The Creator wants me to find.
There have been no nightmares.
Last night I dreamt of growing tomatoes for my clients at the residential facility (possibly because the crop they grew died).
I also dreamt I was visiting with my neighbor who lost a son to a school shooting almost two years ago. A kid followed the boy home from school and shot him.
My daughter and I were four blocks away. We heard the gunshots but didn't find the victim before EMS.
He was less than fourteen years old.
This school district does not take bullying seriously.
What the heck is it with educated morons who blame the victim?
I also work in a workplace that allowed it to go on with the patients. I called it out and, thus, made myself the target.
The dear patients can try to bully me all they want. They can try to get me in trouble or fired. I don't care. If my workplace learns to communicate, all their efforts at manipulation will be for nothing.
The patients are learning how to cope with being sober. It's okay. Learning social skills is part of it.
The trick to getting through it is communication.
I'm going to seek supervision on that one. I don't think that licensed therapists should allow people to project their internal vomit on to other patients for days on end to the point of causing suicidal ideations in their target without addressing it.
They decided to cancel our daily check-ins so the different shifts can communicate with each other due to the cost of staffing. This is just going to increase the manipulation because staff doesn't know what is going on.
Yes, I'm looking for a new gig.
When I confronted a higher up, I was told that non-profits don't get enough funding to communicate effectively. I was also informed that bullying can be a treatment tool (sure, it could be if it's addressed IMMEDIATELY rather than ignored - Grrrr).
As a political activist who knows that politicians just passed a $4.8 million dollar funding scheme for these types of treatment centers, I AM IRRITAED! These people pay me $15 an hour (90% less than what I charge and they claim to have no money to communicate with me).
I'm not supposed to, but I often work off the clock - through lunches and after hours. I'm sure they can carve out 15 minutes to tell me what is going on.
What really irritated me was when I asked the protocols to help acutely suicidal patients, I was told that there was nothing we could do.
When I found myself launching into a 'duty of care' speech, I just realized that they needed to get their two week notice.
If this is what passes for addiction treatment, the system is broken. I may need to pursue a seat on the board.
Someone offered to sponsor me for a seat in 2011 but I had to stop the local PD from arresting and prosecuting women raped in their care at a local detox center for using the word 'cunt.' Verbal assault on an officer, my foot. They just wanted to keep her from suing the city.
That's another 'duty of care' speech.
It took several speeches but the bogus charges were finally dropped.
*****
I left private practice because my ex-husband's family likes to harass me in my offices. Every time I advertise, one of them shows up. It's annoying.
It may just be time for me to change my last name, the name of my business and go back into private practice any way. Working at a non-profit could destroy my ability to practice due to their negligence.
What name should I choose?
My birth name literally means - Musical Saint.
Apparently, my parents didn't know I would never learn to sing (lol). My singing can easily be described as tone-deaf, flat and slightly demonic.
I've pissed off almost everyone who shares my birth surname. I really don't want to have the same name as a bunch of racist crackers.
Last night, I had a dream my last name was Vicory. That's the name of the people who raised me.
I don't think so. I can hear it in my head now - "Vicory, Hickory Dock....the mouse ran up the clock."
Of course, Grant is the other family moniker.
Those names are not....me.
I'll probably go back to Smith (was my name for three months back in the late eighties) or maybe something incredibly common (https://retro1025.com/check-to-see-if-you-have-one-of-the-most-common-last-names-in-colorado/).
There was another common name I took before the internet when I originally tried to hide from the stalker (not knowing he was the guy I was engaged to and eventually married). He'd look for that one.
I guess I could always change how I spell my first name.
It's time to go back into prayer mode.
I don't think I'm going to be out of the woods with my ex until I forgive him of the $50,000 he owes me.
Even then, I'm not sure he'd stop being a threatening jerk. Every once in a while, he'll make insane demands on my time and energy. When I ask him to follow the court orders, he's send a few more threatening emails and go dark.
He's still angry with me for kicking him out of my house three years, two months and four days after he was originally court ordered to leave. I let him ignore the eviction notices for three flippin' years while I saved up for a lawyer.
Besides he ruined my house to the tune of $57, 836.
He's lucky I didn't sue him. He's incredibly lucky that I ignored the judges ruling to pursue alimony (never collected it because it would just keep me tied to him).
That boy ought to leave me alone. It'll take me a while to pay off the repairs to the basement he squatted in.
P.S. If he's stalking me, he might want to get tested for lung cancer due to something found in the basement.
*****
Whoever you are,
wishing you a miracle of your own (says the woman told she has 465 or so Djinn - well, scratch that - djinn twist wishes ).
How about this -
May your biggest miracle quickly become reality.
Love ya,
S.
EDIT: Apparently giving my two weeks notice caused them to change their policy. I'll give them another shot. Seriously, where are they going to find another master's level addiction counseling candidate willing to work for $15 an hour. Now, it's $15.50. They said they'd give me tiny raise soon.
Sigh....
The salary won't cover the malpractice premiums or my educational expenses. I'm only there because I want to learn more about the population. I have more than enough hours to get my license but I feel I still have a lot to learn.
There's a push for an addiction center where I live. I'll always have a shot at helping people for very little money. With the politicians ruining the economy and forcing people to isolate, the need is very high.
((( hugs )))
** Attempts at math:
We have been broken up for 12,203 days.
5,000 days and counting - Sunday, January 7th, 2001 - (almost 14 years)
10,000 days and counting - Tuesday, September 16th, 2014 - (27 years)
19,000 days and counting - Sunday, May 8th, 2039 - (52 years)
20,000 days and counting - Saturday, February 1st, 2042 - (almost 55 years)
30,000 days and counting - Wednesday, June 19th, 2069 - (82 years - hopefully I'll be in Hades)
If it is so wonderful being apart, why do I still worry about him?
I just need to keep praying. Somehow, I get the sense he's always needed it.
I remember celebrating at the seven year mark because i had this belief that all of my cells
I don't know.
Life is weird.
Maybe this is supposed to be the real lesson of this lifetime.
If I figure out the lesson - I'll share it.
