(My parents almost named me Pasty due to their wish I'd become a singer. I owe a Denver cab driver a debt of thanks for giving them another name to consider. Even though it's not my name, there are days when I feel like I've lived my life as a Patsy getting blamed for all my ex-husband's narcissist failed shit)
Today I am thankful for candles and guitars.
So, I've been having nightmares about a man from my past. It's gone on about 33 years.
In the past, I've prayed for him. It's obvious I love him (but not in love*) - so the prayer was
In the past, I've prayed for him. It's obvious I love him (but not in love*) - so the prayer was
'please send all the love I have for [guy's name] to his lover, wife or girlfriend so that he gets the benefit of it.'
Sometimes the prayer works.
Sometimes it doesn't work. I assume that those times the prayer doesn't work is when he's in between relationships because the love has no where to go.
The dreams have hit me with a vengeance since the Covid lockdowns started.
For a little over a week, the dreams went away.
I believe it to be due to a little ritual I devised.
I light a 10 hour white candle on my altar asking that he receive an unspecified miracle.
I go upstairs and light a candle for myself asking that I find whatever The Creator wants me to find.
In thinking about it, that's probably what caused the dreams.
In the wee hours of the morning, I lit the candles and did some research for about six hours before falling asleep.
About four hours after falling asleep, I woke up parched, decided to get some water and noticed the candles were out. Then I went upstairs and back to sleep.
The candles typically burn while I'm asleep. This was the first time in a little over a week where I fell asleep without the candles burning.
I dreamt of Jesus showing me a movie screen.
Yes, even though I'm Pagan, I believe that Jesus is an angel on high. He is the son of God. I believe that The Creator, despite the teachings of numerous Christian saints, would not keep the ancients from knowing his son. I simply believe they called him by other names.
In this dream, I step inside a movie.
I'm in a house I owned in Montbello. In the 90's I dreamt of a similar house near 6th and Simms but could never find it. When my ex-husband saw a house fitting that description in Montbello he bought it (without my consent - all my life savings plunked down on a house in an area without bus service - ugh - I had no money and no way to get to work as my ex-husband always took my vehicle - this was the beginning of his control - this is probably why I run from relationships, too).
In this dream movie, I'm in this house. The man in the dreams is there. We hug like the friends we are (the extra bear-huggish ones we tend to have - the kind of long hugs that say, I'll see you again in 20 years and God only knows what crap we're going to endure before we see each other again).
We talk for a bit and catch up. He tells me that he's staying in the lower level of the house (it was a tri-level) and shows me that he's sleeping on the floor. I ask him why he's not in one of the three bedrooms.
In this dream, he shows me that my ex-husband is still living in the master bedroom despite our divorce. He'll be content to sleep on the floor.
Where in the heck do I sleep?
(Oh, that's right. I don't sleep.)
At this point in the dream I go outside and notice a garden I tended to at a house I used to rent in Lakewood and realize that it's just a dream.
Sometimes it doesn't work. I assume that those times the prayer doesn't work is when he's in between relationships because the love has no where to go.
The dreams have hit me with a vengeance since the Covid lockdowns started.
For a little over a week, the dreams went away.
I believe it to be due to a little ritual I devised.
I light a 10 hour white candle on my altar asking that he receive an unspecified miracle.
I go upstairs and light a candle for myself asking that I find whatever The Creator wants me to find.
In thinking about it, that's probably what caused the dreams.
In the wee hours of the morning, I lit the candles and did some research for about six hours before falling asleep.
About four hours after falling asleep, I woke up parched, decided to get some water and noticed the candles were out. Then I went upstairs and back to sleep.
The candles typically burn while I'm asleep. This was the first time in a little over a week where I fell asleep without the candles burning.
I dreamt of Jesus showing me a movie screen.
Yes, even though I'm Pagan, I believe that Jesus is an angel on high. He is the son of God. I believe that The Creator, despite the teachings of numerous Christian saints, would not keep the ancients from knowing his son. I simply believe they called him by other names.
In this dream, I step inside a movie.
I'm in a house I owned in Montbello. In the 90's I dreamt of a similar house near 6th and Simms but could never find it. When my ex-husband saw a house fitting that description in Montbello he bought it (without my consent - all my life savings plunked down on a house in an area without bus service - ugh - I had no money and no way to get to work as my ex-husband always took my vehicle - this was the beginning of his control - this is probably why I run from relationships, too).
In this dream movie, I'm in this house. The man in the dreams is there. We hug like the friends we are (the extra bear-huggish ones we tend to have - the kind of long hugs that say, I'll see you again in 20 years and God only knows what crap we're going to endure before we see each other again).
We talk for a bit and catch up. He tells me that he's staying in the lower level of the house (it was a tri-level) and shows me that he's sleeping on the floor. I ask him why he's not in one of the three bedrooms.
In this dream, he shows me that my ex-husband is still living in the master bedroom despite our divorce. He'll be content to sleep on the floor.
Where in the heck do I sleep?
(Oh, that's right. I don't sleep.)
At this point in the dream I go outside and notice a garden I tended to at a house I used to rent in Lakewood and realize that it's just a dream.
This is where it gets creepily funny. I try to wake up to no avail. I find a portal that will help me escape this dream world but then I end up in a world of liberal aliens trying to infiltrate this planet with football players that kneel at the sight of the flag.
I can't stand American football (have had far too many former patients with brain injuries due to that infernal sport). So that becomes a nightmare all of its own before I wake up alone in my bed.
Imagine a bunch of liberal brain dead zombies
(wow....sounds like a movie - or scrolling down my Facebook feed)
*****
The dream pretty much explains what happened, though, I had an old friend (the guy in my nightmares) who came out to visit me in 2008. He was in a lot of pain. I didn't want to add to the pain.
This again played itself out in 2010
I can't stand American football (have had far too many former patients with brain injuries due to that infernal sport). So that becomes a nightmare all of its own before I wake up alone in my bed.
Imagine a bunch of liberal brain dead zombies
(wow....sounds like a movie - or scrolling down my Facebook feed)
*****
The dream pretty much explains what happened, though, I had an old friend (the guy in my nightmares) who came out to visit me in 2008. He was in a lot of pain. I didn't want to add to the pain.
This again played itself out in 2010
and again 2011 (in full view of my former sister-in-law and her fiancé).
In the end, I hid from him because my stalkerish ex-husband made a verbal threat to me.
He was going to have his family track my old friend down.
In the end, I hid from him because my stalkerish ex-husband made a verbal threat to me.
He was going to have his family track my old friend down.
Then, he told me that he had his family track him down. I was also informed that while tracking my old friend, his cousin fell in love with his mother's next door neighbor. Anyone who even suggests harassing or stalking Mrs. E. or her home is an evil @*&@#$!!@. That is when I had heard enough. After that day, I don't think I've spoken a word to the lot of his relatives except to shoo them off during stalking incidents.
[Well, that lie unraveled when I told my ex-husband that I had some art work that I wanted to return to that neighbor's parents - their daughter had died. My old friend and I once shared a drawing class with her. Back in the day, I had a habit of stealing the artwork she threw away - despite her harsh perfection, her art work is incredibly beautiful. I had it framed. I thought her family would want it. When I ask that his cousin give it to the decedent's brother (the guy she claimed she fell in love with) she couldn't. That's when I realized it was a lie. ]
Then my ex-husband took credit for my old friend contacting me. If that's the truth, I'll never forgive my ex-husband for dredging up the past. If mention of me was what caused the problems between my old friend and the girlfriend that he had at the time, I will feel absolutely horrible.
To be fair, my ex-husband said a lot of stupid shit just to try to control me. He also did everything in his power to drag out the divorce. Truth is, I gave up dating because he wouldn't move out of my house for YEARS after the divorce was final.
Even after he moved out, he still made insane demands on my time, finances and energy.
Heaven help me when I told my ex NO.
I'm never helping him again.
[Well, that lie unraveled when I told my ex-husband that I had some art work that I wanted to return to that neighbor's parents - their daughter had died. My old friend and I once shared a drawing class with her. Back in the day, I had a habit of stealing the artwork she threw away - despite her harsh perfection, her art work is incredibly beautiful. I had it framed. I thought her family would want it. When I ask that his cousin give it to the decedent's brother (the guy she claimed she fell in love with) she couldn't. That's when I realized it was a lie. ]
Then my ex-husband took credit for my old friend contacting me. If that's the truth, I'll never forgive my ex-husband for dredging up the past. If mention of me was what caused the problems between my old friend and the girlfriend that he had at the time, I will feel absolutely horrible.
To be fair, my ex-husband said a lot of stupid shit just to try to control me. He also did everything in his power to drag out the divorce. Truth is, I gave up dating because he wouldn't move out of my house for YEARS after the divorce was final.
Even after he moved out, he still made insane demands on my time, finances and energy.
Heaven help me when I told my ex NO.
I'm never helping him again.
*****
The dream is reminding me that I screwed up by not standing up for myself or being honest about my feelings.
Lesson learned.
This old friend is still sleeping dormant in my subconscious. My ex-husband's bullshit is still taking up rentable space in my mental real estate.
*****
In the past, I'd have nightmares about this old friend being killed, in accidents, losing or breaking limbs, being attacked by cupid's arrows to the point of bleeding to death, being eaten by wolves.....
just horrible stuff.
Once in a while, I have worse dreams but I don't want to talk about those.
I'd wake up screaming 'Oh, no [friend's name]!'
Unless it was a reoccurring dream, I was told I'd wake up the house screaming 'Oh, no! Not again [old friend's name]!'
After awhile I'd pretend to be singing a Rush song featuring this guy's name.
It became a running joke. My ex-husband would ask bands to play this song for me in public.
It was annoying.
To be fair, I enjoyed hearing it on bag pipes.
Once in a while, I have worse dreams but I don't want to talk about those.
I'd wake up screaming 'Oh, no [friend's name]!'
Unless it was a reoccurring dream, I was told I'd wake up the house screaming 'Oh, no! Not again [old friend's name]!'
After awhile I'd pretend to be singing a Rush song featuring this guy's name.
It became a running joke. My ex-husband would ask bands to play this song for me in public.
It was annoying.
To be fair, I enjoyed hearing it on bag pipes.
Nothing else, though....
Earlier this month, after waking up my household yet again, I finally decided that I would get myself a bass, give it my friend's name, and claim I was dreaming of the guitar or a cool new riff should I scream that name out in my sleep.
Now, I'm thinking I may just want a real guitar-
Earlier this month, after waking up my household yet again, I finally decided that I would get myself a bass, give it my friend's name, and claim I was dreaming of the guitar or a cool new riff should I scream that name out in my sleep.
Now, I'm thinking I may just want a real guitar-
hence my procrastination.
My plan was to go to Bailey today to look at leaves.
I may just go guitar shopping.
*****
I may just go guitar shopping.
*****
Here's the lesson.
Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself and others about your thoughts and feelings.
You're not doing anyone any favors putting yourself last.
Even if you lie to the world about your feelings, or attempt to stuff 'em down and hide them thinking you're doing the right thing by people you care about,
your subconscious mind will remind you of them when you're trying to sleep.
The subconscious mind never lies.
The subconscious mind never lies.
It just records e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g you feel, think, say and do. When you're off-guard or trying to sleep, it will remind you of all those painful things you forgot to remember.
Ugh....
I can't date until the dreams stop. None of my suitors share this guy's name. I have a suitor named Chris and another named Roger.
I pray they find nice Christian wives.
Love ya,
S.
* My old friend and I had a deal back in the day. We were never going to be 'in-love' because 'people in love can fall out of love.' We were just going to love each other unconditionally as best friends.
It would seem I unwittingly made a vow. It seems unbreakable.
My Native American step-father once told me that breaking twigs would break connections to people.
One August afternoon, after over a decade of driving to my hometown to break twigs and use them as a type of mulch against the public trees,
Ugh....
I can't date until the dreams stop. None of my suitors share this guy's name. I have a suitor named Chris and another named Roger.
I pray they find nice Christian wives.
Love ya,
S.
* My old friend and I had a deal back in the day. We were never going to be 'in-love' because 'people in love can fall out of love.' We were just going to love each other unconditionally as best friends.
It would seem I unwittingly made a vow. It seems unbreakable.
My Native American step-father once told me that breaking twigs would break connections to people.
One August afternoon, after over a decade of driving to my hometown to break twigs and use them as a type of mulch against the public trees,
this man visited with me in the area and asked how to forget each other.
He had said that his memories of me seemed "like yesterday" but the memories of other relationships seem like different lifetimes.
Then he told me that smelly, California public transit busses evoke memories of me (um...not exactly something a woman wants to hear -but- he was sincere.)
So, I told him about the twigs.
"Does it work?" I remember him asking as we were walking down one of the streets in the downtown area of the small town in which we grew up.
I never gave him a verbal answer.
As we walked, I began to point out the piles of broken twigs that I placed around the trees (some fresh, some decayed with time).
The trees are buried deep in the ground. There are grates over the holes where the trees are planted. They were planted about ten feet apart. If you looked in the grates at the time, you would see the piles of twigs.
Then he told me that smelly, California public transit busses evoke memories of me (um...not exactly something a woman wants to hear -but- he was sincere.)
So, I told him about the twigs.
"Does it work?" I remember him asking as we were walking down one of the streets in the downtown area of the small town in which we grew up.
I never gave him a verbal answer.
As we walked, I began to point out the piles of broken twigs that I placed around the trees (some fresh, some decayed with time).
The trees are buried deep in the ground. There are grates over the holes where the trees are planted. They were planted about ten feet apart. If you looked in the grates at the time, you would see the piles of twigs.
He looked a little shocked.
Then he looked heartbroken.
Maybe I did the wrong thing?
Now, I just avoid the area out of hopes it'll help.
I'm not sure what I'd do if I can into him.
In the dreams, I run away.
I'd probably run away unless he were being eaten by wolves or bleeding to death (cuz I am CPR certified and could hang out until EMS arrives).
The last time we met, I was having dreams that he broke his leg.
Wanna take a guess as to what happened?
The last time we met, I was having dreams that he broke his leg.
Wanna take a guess as to what happened?
Yep -
I didn't even get to sign his cast.
I'm his bad luck charm.
I'd probably run off thinking I'm taking the bad juju with me.
That IS an act of love.
The sad truth is, I hurt him when I told him I was thinking of taking a music scholarship at a College near the four corners area back in April of 1987.
I never want to hurt him again.
Hurting him is possibly my greatest fear. I have so many faults, hurting him is inevitable.
It's best to stay away.
I'd probably run off thinking I'm taking the bad juju with me.
That IS an act of love.
The sad truth is, I hurt him when I told him I was thinking of taking a music scholarship at a College near the four corners area back in April of 1987.
I never want to hurt him again.
Hurting him is possibly my greatest fear. I have so many faults, hurting him is inevitable.
It's best to stay away.
