Professionals

Today I am thankful for professionals. 

I met a cosmetic surgeon who promises that he can fix my issue for less than $3,000.  I think I'll get a second opinion.  That does seem pretty darn promising.

I've got to tell you.  This is motivation to work.  I easily make $150 per hour.  I can get over my fear of being naked for just 20 hours of work!! 

Oh man....I'm going to start my advertising campaign today!!! 

Vanity will make me go places I previously feared to tread. 

Maybe he can make me so unrecognizable that my ex's family won't know who I am!!  Ooohh.....what do I want to look like? Sadly...I want to look like me with fewer flaws.  That's okay.  Maybe if I change my hair color, weight, my mannerisms, and my manner of dress, they wouldn't know who I was in order to harass me in public.

So, I need to manifest $3,000 for a legal retainer and $3,000 for cosmetic work.  Or I can hire the lawyer and ask for the settlement so I can pay the doctor.  I'll figure it out.   It can be done. 



*****

I also met a handyman. 


For $3, he can sell me something to make it impossible for anyone to use a key to get into the front door.  Since I do NOT know whether Shannon has an actual key or a bump key, this will make me feel 1000 times safer. 


For $50, he can make it impossible for anyone to break down the door (or damage the door jam).  Seeing the damaged door jam freaked me out.  I would like never dealing with that again. 


I bought more security products for the kids.  Talking to the victim's advocate was the best thing I have ever done.  When I start making serious money, I'm pledging 5% of my income to that organization. 

I am hoping to get a house alarm.  I'm still researching that.  I may have to get a new phone line hooked up for one to work. 

See?  Getting rid of blaming and judgmental people really frees up time to find out what works and what does not work.


I will NEVER know when the stalking is done.  I still can do what I can to stay safe. 
I really want to have my life back. 


*****


I do feel better getting rid of that shrink.  He meant well but he didn't know how to motivate me without trying to shame me.

Michael has made it clear that he does not feel strung along.  He's been helpful.  He took the kids yesterday ad bought them school supplies and clothes.  He promised to pay for their upcoming oral surgeries.  That was so sweet.  I was stressing out about how to accomplish that.  I feel very lucky.  The divorce has made him work harder at being a father.  The kids seem happier about that.  He took them shopping yesterday.

See?  I clean up after him and he is kinder to me.  

Maybe making him happy isn't such a bad thing.  I'd do the same for any other roommate.    I used to do laundry for my gay roomies.  They used to cook for me.  It all works out in the wash. 


The last thing I want to do is string anyone along.  I've decided to make it clear that if someone isn't happy with me or doesn't want to be with me, I have no qualms about cutting them loose.  I do want to leave everyone with closure.  I do want to give Michael adequate time to formulate an exit plan.  I don't feel right throwing him out in the street.  When the time is right, he will leave.

*****

There are other fish in the sea.  Never settle for canned tuna when you'd rather have fresh salmon.

If I am not someone's cup of tea.  They can have a drink of somethin' else.

*****

I think I know why that therapist went on his rant.  Somehow my ex-husband ended up with my phone.  I was getting ready to go out with Steve and the shrink's secretary called.  Mike answered and gave her a hard time (he said that he thought she was a telemarketer).   Let's just say, Mike wasn't very nice.

Of course, the shrink didn't tell me this.  Michael told me what happened.  That explains everything.

The shrink went on and on about how I should barricade my living quarters and keep Mike out of my living space.  The shrink asked me what kind of phone I had (a pre-paid one).  He asked if Michael had access to it (nope).  He didn't ask about my landline.  After the phones went dead a couple of months ago, I took my loan money and subscribed to cable internet and a VOIP provider.  That equipment stays in the upstairs portion of the house.  My telephone is in the teenager's bedroom.

I didn't know Michael had answered it.  That was certainly a big boundary violation. I wondered if the shrink had called Michael's phone number.  Now, I know what happened.  I understand why the shrink was irritated.  Michael had harassed his secretary.  No wonder he didn't want me as a client.

The shrink made a lot of assumptions.  He said he didn't want to tell me what to do but I needed to make it a goal to do something before the next appointment.  That something....was to hire an attorney to file contempt charges against Michael.  I couldn't understand the therapist's vitriol.  Now...I know.  I just wish he would have confronted me in a more direct fashion.  I wish he would have told me what happened on the telephone.

I do get irritated when shrinks get bossy and lead their clients.  Worse, he didn't use open ended questions.  I remember counseling 101!



I'm not sure if I am more amused -or- irritated.  Maybe I am more concerned for the court ordered people he counsels.  He could inadvertently re-traumatize people and make their problems worse.




There is a reason that therapists use open ended questions.  It keeps our language clean.  It keeps us from inserting OUR EXPERIENCE into the stories of our clients.  A good therapist convinces the client to challenge his or her script.  We do NOT DARE tell them what to do.  We suggest in the form of a question.

I'm still a little shocked at that shrink.  He's my age and a newly minted licensee.  I graduated before he DID!  He's just a little green under the gills. 

I wish I had the patience for that.  I'm in crisis.  I'll just save some money and pay out of pocket for a shrink I trust.  Man....I was hoping that seeing someone I didn't go to school with would work out better.  I guess I should stick to the people I know.

And, I'm going to need to keep my phone away from my ex-husband.  What if he does that to a potential client or employer?  YIKES!!!!

*****

I wanted help for the anxiety.   That's okay.  The anxiety is nothing a little nicotine can't fix.



Yes....I did the unthinkable.  I decided to self-medicate my anxiety in the form of nicotine lozenges.

This is not advisable.  It is not the healthiest way to deal with anxiety.  It has to work for now.  Crap, my dentist told me that Colgate Total (my favorite toothpaste) has been shown to cause oral cancer. 

So...I figured that the nicotine was not going to expose me to any more risk than brushing my teeth.  The valerian vodka just made me fat, so I had to stop drinking it.  The nicotine takes the shaking and the social sweating away.  On the plus side, I do NOT want to eat on that stuff.  I have an entire closet of size 8 clothes.  I can't wait to wear them again.

 Anyway.....things are looking up.  I'm just going to be myself.  I am going to be nice.  I am going to be me.  I am going to laugh at my stalkers.  I am going to carry my gun.  I am going to accept political invites.  I am going to be my normal, obnoxious self.


If anyone doesn't like who I am they can go to Hades.

I am going to use my nicotine adventure to go back to work.  It's nice going out into public without breaking out in a cold sweat.  It feels good to be me.



Let's see how long this lasts.


Love ya,

S.