Today I am thankful for hindsight.
In my last relationship, I felt like a chauffeur.
I started off by driving him around
-but- in the end, I find myself wondering if I should save my sexual energy for women.
That's just my anger talking.
My mental computer needs more processing time.
*****
I had a great weekend. There was a lot of synchronicity. I'm exhausted but will try to share what happened tomorrow or so. Many of my problems may be quickly solvable.
It's not what you know - it is who you know.
Everything is more beautiful.
*****
I had a decent birthday.
My ex-husband wouldn't leave me be alone while I was crying.
He bought me a fancy hat, a purse, and a size six lace sundress (gotta stretch that one out by wearing it and spritzing fabric softener on it).
He took me to watch a movie in the park where I fell in love with Thomas back in 1986.
One of my high school buddies was putting on a public showing of UP.
I never saw the entire movie before.
*****
A few years ago Thomas, my high school sweetheart, said that he felt like he was the old man in UP.
I cried harder when I saw it. The little girl has red hair and green eyes - just like me. The young man had blue eyes and brown hair - just like Tom.
I loved Tom more than life itself. I felt suicidal after my parents and grandmother died but I couldn't do it because I didn't want to hurt my best friend.
Thomas saved my life.
Our break up was a misunderstanding.
One day I was offered a scholarship for a music program two hours away.
I told Tom about it. I didn't want to leave him to take it.
The next day, Tom presented me with a note. His words are embedded in my brain to this very day, he said "I'm leaving you."
I took the note and put it in a book. I would not see the contents of the note for 21 years.
I cried for months.
Four weeks later, on graduation day, I was raped.
I had a hard time looking Thomas in the eyes after that day.
I didn't want another man touching me.
I felt ruined.
*****
I married my best girlfriend's cousin.
My new in-laws lived three blocks away from Tom.
My husband was always jealous of Thomas.
He'd tell me stories about Thomas wearing ball gowns to school and being light in his loafers.
We fought a lot about that.
Love is unconditional.
I'd love my friend even if he were married to a man.
*****
One day, in 2005, I started finding the things Thomas gave me strewn all over the house.
My ex-husband denied going through my things.
Everything I found brought back a flood of memories.
Everything I found made me sob.
*****
Even back in 2005, my ex and I were sleeping in separate bedrooms. I didn't know what my ex did in there but it was not uncommon to find my high school yearbooks in his closet.
One day, I heard my ex yell my name.
I ran into the basement and my ex hands me the note Thomas had written all those years ago.
"He never wanted to leave you."
I don't know. He wrote that he was letting me go so that I could do the things I want to do. He didn't want to stand in the way of my college education.
The funny thing is that I never took that scholarship. I wanted to get help for the rape trauma. This, in turn, led me to study psychology.
I wonder how our lives could have changed if I had read the note or reached out to him back then. I didn't want to burden him, even when I caught him standing outside of my window.
I am not sure things would have been very much different. I am not sure I am his type.
Love is unconditional.
That is what makes breaking up so darn hard.
*****
Last night, as I stood up from the lawn of the park where I fell in love with Thomas, I noticed a shiny copper penny.
It was dated 1986.
It was minted in Denver.
I miss my friend.
I sure hope he has finally found whatever was missing in his life.