Today I am thankful that I refused an ambulance ride.
It started out innocently.
I spent the past few days reflecting on my experience with Steve. He always wanted to know my needs in a relationship. I finally figured them out.
I need safety (you know so I can be free to be me and uninhibited and fun).
I need sanity (in the form of truth). Steve was the only person who gave that to me in abundance. He always wants to distill everything down into basic truths, even if I end up confronting things I don't want to confront.
I need stability (read NO stalkers, money I can access, my car not disappearing without warning).
Now, for the past three months I've had trouble with breaking out into sweats and having chest pains. I figured it was the Sudafed that I was taking due to my asthma.
The doctor thought it was due to sugar. So I stopped eating so much.
I started taking birth control pills last month and the symptoms are worse.
Today.....it was the same as it had been for the past few months.
Then....Michael came home.
There was a squeezing sensation in my chest, my left arm went numb, my chin went numb, and I could not breathe.
He said that he wanted to stay in this house to save our marriage. I told him what my needs were, knowing full well that he'll never tell me the truth. It's not going to happen.
I need to be safe (no more stalking).
I need to know the truth (no more lies).
I need security (no more taking things and hiding them).
If those things cannot happen he cannot so much as stay in this house.
He tells me that I am safe.
He tells me that I am sane.
He tells me that I am stable.
Uh....no....I'm not.
To be safe, I need to know how the stalking started.
To be sane, I need to know the truth about the stalking and he's got to stop lying to me.
To be stable, I need to be able to use my car and hold a job without being stalked.
He continued to maintain that I was safe, that I know the truth, and that I am stable.
It would be easier for him to be divorced from me than to tell me the truth.
Then, why is he here?
At this point, the squeezing became much worse. I couldn't breathe. I turned red. I stopped sweating.
Hmmmmm......
I took an aspirin. It made me want to throw up.
Mike insisted that I accompany him to the local pharmacy for a blood pressure check. My blood pressure was 143 over 98. My pulse was 76.
Typically I faint due to low blood pressure.
He called the insurance company nurse who gets on the phone with me to tell me to take an ambulance to the hospital.
NO!!
Hell NO!!!
This is a panic attack.
No!!!
The last time this happened, Michael got fired from the city where I ran for mayor. The assistant city attorney fined him $500 (illegally) then called my house to ridicule me. This lawyer claimed that I fake heart attacks. They fired Mike and said they did it because I am a hypochondriac.
We found a group of activists. Together we formed a PAC. We cost the city a hell of a lot of money.
Then someone at the city went on to have the police harass me (spotlighting and banging on the doors in the middle of the night). They had cop cars sitting outside our home nearly daily for about two years. This may be how they found out I was being stalked by Mike's family. Yeah...the city was stalking me and discovered that I had a stalker.
Weird huh....
I guess I'm lucky.
The day I had the chest pains that led to Mike being fired, I did not go to the hospital that day because I knew it was a symptom of Costochondritis. This is a painful condition people diagnosed with fibromyalgia get; it mimics the pain of a heart attack.
****
I'm a little bit mad. I've had choruses of people come through to try to get me to the hospital.
Here is the deal.
I am NOT having a heart attack.
I may be experiencing heart break.
It will not kill me.
Geesh!!!
It is heart break.
I think I lost my best friend. Intuitively, I know that I can't see my friend again until Mike moves out of the house. I'm actually hoping Steve finds a new soul mate because I don't see my ex moving out anytime soon.
It literally hurts my heart.
Mike's presence here is stressing me out.
I fear the stalking.
There are so many signs that it has not lifted. I do not know what to do.
So....I'm going to have to call the doctor tomorrow. I'll probably have to stop the pills and suffer with an inhaler like everyone else. I'm probably going to have to quit the caffeine and go back on aspirin therapy.
This is probably stress related.
I need to get rid of the stalker!!!
I need to get rid of the stress!!!
My friend is a keeper, when I said I needed time to take care of myself, he let me take it.
I'm not faking.
He thought I was making stuff up so I didn't sleep with him.
I was following my shrink's orders. I'm glad I listened to her.
If I go quiet, I'm probably in the hospital with tubes in my chest.
Never let ninnies get ya down.
The stress they cause can kill ya!
Love ya,
S.