Today I am thankful for forensic research.
I am realizing that my danger has not passed.
Steve wants me to move beyond the stalking.
I try.
I research it. I delve into case studies. I read too much.
How can I feel safe again?
And, again it comes down to rage, anger, power, and the need to control another human being.
Stalkers tend to have had a previous relationship with their victims and do not want to let go of said relationship.
Then, I realize that I have my ex-husband living in my basement who daily tells me that Steve has everything he (meaning my ex) wants.
Then I feel sick and scared.
90% of stalkers have the ability to coerce their families into stalking for them.
I get more afraid.
Am I allowing the enemy close access?
Do I have to change up the divorce agreement, sell the house and move out of state?
I also am learning that most incidents occur due the behavior (or inaction) of the stalkee.
This means that every time a relative of Mike stalks me, leaves bloody underwear or religious artifacts on my porch, puts a gps box on my vehicle, calls and hangs up, or tries to break into the house.....I have done something to trigger it.
Or I have failed to do something they wanted me to do.
Today, I am exhausted.
****
I am in love.
I can't feel anything unless I focus on how much I love my friend.
I am thinking about leaving him. Last Friday night, I had a little too much to drink and kicked a fireplace. Ever the gentleman, he gave me a warm bed to sleep in. As I lay in his bed, with a broken toe, thinking about how I should leave because I'm ugly, old, and fearing being so huge he'd fall in.
I haven't used the tiny ben wa balls in awhile. I know....I know.....I guess I can fix that worry.
I fell asleep and around 4:00 a.m. had visions of an Ifrit Djinn telling me that I left a candle burning in my bedroom and that he'd make sure it burned itself out. He told me to stay with Steve because the spirits went through a lot of trouble to find someone I could tolerate.
I thought that was funny. I dream of demons telling me to love normal guys.
I came home and found that one of my Dionysus tribute candles had burned itself out.
Sigh....
I'm going to try to sleep again tonight. I am in severe pain.
Someday I'll laugh over this!
Love ya,
S.
Yes....I broke my toe. It's a long story.
I broke it on Friday. It turned purple.
Saturday, I realized I had a problem when I found a bunch of brand new hot boots on sale for $5 a pair but was in too much pain to try them on. I had to leave them at the store.
Yesterday, my toe was dark purple.
Today, the bottom half of it was purple but the top was bright red and swollen.
That's probably because I keep kicking things.
My foot tingles when I walk.
So, this is going to get interesting.
And I should say that Mike is helping me a little bit.
He promised to help me fix my junk car so he could have the mini-van. The tire was completely thread bare (the belts were exposed). He had the tire replaced. There is also a loose electrical wire that he promised to take care of.
Why would a stalker care about my car?
I find this whole thing confusing and confounding.
I wish I could prove definitively who the stalker truly was. That way, I could put an end to it.
I know Shannon and Doug have followed me around. I know Doug's truck had been at my house at least twice. I have seen Shannon watch me in public.
Why?
Is my ex-husband asking for their help?
That is what is confusing me.
Who is the enemy?
How do I make them leave me alone?
It's not enough to tell me to minimize it and ignore it.
That's what I did until last year. I ignored it.
Look how bad things have gotten!!
I should really consider moving somewhere they will never find me.
New York, California, Chicago, Washington D.C.....they'd never think to find me living in a liberal haven.
I'm seriously considering it!
Next day edit:
My ex-husband had my car yesterday. It wouldn't start today. At first, I thought he had sabotaged it.
It turns out that he did something to it but not on purpose.
He wiggled the steering wheel in order to fit into my sardine can of a car. This made it lock up.
I went to a Nissan forum and looked around for information on why a key wouldn't turn and start a car. I came across an entry from a tall guy who said this would happen every time his knee hit the steering wheel.
He wrote that the fix was jiggling the steering wheel. It took twenty minutes but 'lo and behold...my car finally started.
Maybe I am too hard on my ex-hubby.
I wish I knew who was behind the stalking so I wouldn't throw out my anger at everybody.