Today I was sick. Between writing my blog and doing voice overs, I spent some time fantasizing what I would wish for if I could have any wish granted.
First, I want a job so I can prove the myself that I was right to refuse alimony even when pressed by the judge.
I want something for myself, too. I want something hot and fun. I want something that would help me understand the man I love.
Let me explain.
I think my love found my blog.
He just knows stuff.
He probably knows that he looks like my step-father. He's the same height and build. He has blue eyes. He shaves his head.
He will know that he smells like my step-father's cologne, if he sees this.
I realized why I feel safe around him. I met my step-father when I five years old. I would get lost, hurt, or put in danger and this beautiful, bald fireman always managed to find me.
When I was seven years old, he met my mother. He told me that he decided to stay to keep me safe since he was always dropping me off anyway.
At this point, my mother had lost custody of her children. He married her to try to win us back.
Seven years later, he beat my mother to death in a drunken rage. The coroner said that my mother had cocaine in her system. I don't know about that. My step-uncle was a prominent politician in the city. The Coroner could have been persuaded to make things up.
The fight started because my mother was beating me. My mother literally bit me and drew blood because a man in the supermarket called me beautiful. My step-father pushed her off of me. He hit her. He pushed her head onto a gas burner. Her hair caught fire. At this point, I ran out of the house and to the fire department to get help from my uncle.
When I came back, the firemen wouldn't let me in the apartment. I don't know what happened after my mothers hair caught fire. All I know is that it took her three days to die.
Up until that day, my step-father was my hero. I still have a hard time coming to terms with what happened on that day.
I guess I will never understand.
I had my first panic attack that day. I went to the emergency room in the hospital where my mother died to have my arm stitched up.
That was the hospital Steve was in two weeks ago. I had two panic attacks while walking through the ER en route to his room. I visited twice and had a panic attack each time. I was a sweaty, horrid mess when I saw him.
He called me hot.
He has laid off of the beautiful word. I am forever grateful. I hate that word. It brings a pain to me that I cannot endure.
I wonder, sometimes, if Steve has found my blog.
He once asked me if my nickname was Siegfred because I accidentally followed his YouTube Channel from this account. .
Maybe he has?
I don't know.
I realized, though, that this thing can be an owner's manual for an old red-headed chick.
One of the takeaways would be to not call her beautiful while watching the Silence of the Lambs and nibbling her arm or she'll have a panic attack.
Another is that she hasn't given head to a man since 2002! She really misses that.
He has recently told me that he'd let me try it.
So....hey.....
Maybe?
I don't know.
Admittedly, some of the things I write are way out there. He'd know enough to know what was fiction and what was real.
I wonder.....
Hmmmmmmmm.......
Wouldn't it be nice if all of our lovers had secret blogs? They could be places where we could learn about their histories, their fantasies, their quirks, their desires, and all those deep, dark things they want to do to us in the middle of the night.
It would be like a lover's manual!
I wish Steve would put together a secret blog for me!
Sigh......
Hmmmmm..........
He's a web developer. I'm a hypnotist. I can implant the idea and watch it come to life in a very good looking website.
Okay.....I'm gonna implant that idea the next time he's in trance!
Oh, and for those who don't read my other blogs I have a formula for you to remember:
orgasm=high suggestibility
Sigh......
May your fondest wish come true, too.
Love ya,
S.
Edit after visiting Steve's Facebook page:
Nevermind. I can't understand what that guy writes on his Facebook page. It is completley out of my experience. I don't get it. I wouldn't understand anything he writes in a blog.
I am being completely and utterly serious here.
If he writes about handcuffs and I take it the wrong way, he could wind up with PTSD.
Nevermind.
Not interested.
It was a completely stupid idea.
Until I can understand him, I can't go there.
I may even have to reconsider the relationship.
Yeah......maybe a blog wouldn't help me understand what he wants as much as I thought it would.
Time....time with someone is the only way I will learn what I need to know.
Sigh....