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Understanding Bad Sex




Today I am grateful that I finally understand the foundational underpinnings of bad sex. 




It is judgmental communication. 


I've only had a few partners in my life. 


Two of them were incredibly judgmental. 


Both of them only made love to me a handful of times.  We spent most of our times in conversation and at activities where many of the things I said and did were judged rather harshly.


They both swore they wanted to spend their lives with me. 


I couldn't do that. 


*****


I am seriously deciding between having a break-up talk with my boyfriend -or- just letting the relationship fade away. 


I can't kiss him passionately.  I can't go down on him without hearing that he doesn't like it.  I can't let go, can't fill myself with lust and can't go crazy on him. 


I feel the desire.  I start and then I stop short. 


I can start by kissing his thighs but as I get closer to the place I want to go, I remember him telling me that he doesn't like it.  I stop.  It's boring. 


I have let myself go once.  I was told that I was too noisy.  So, I started to stifle myself.  What happens is that when I start to feel incredibly beautiful, I fear getting noisy and wind up muting the feeling so I don't make noise.


For some reason, the firework feeling disappears when I am focused on being totally quite and boring.  What happens is that when I orgasm when I'm worried about my appearance or sound, it just feels like muscles squeezing. 


It is intense - but- not the same.


He has technical ability.  He is built like a double stacked mac truck.  My problem is that my feelings are stifled.


It is not fun. 


Orgasms like that make me feel alone because I can't let go and share my passion with the other person.  I want to cry.


I feel more focused on being quiet and compliant than letting go and enjoying the experience.


This makes me no longer as interested in sex. 


That, of course, kills the relationship.


*****
Yesterday, I drove my boyfriend to a political event. 


During the conversation, I mentioned that I would manage to have my situation under control.  I am a woman.  When we are angry, we can be mean.  All I need to do is get angry and I'll find a way to stop the nonsense. 


My boyfriend immediately told me that I was being harshly judgmental. In sum, he judged my judgment about myself.


At that moment, I felt the same familiar feeling of stifling my words, my sounds, and my feelings.


He did it again on the ride home when we were talking about psychology.  We were talking about how girls mature faster than boys and how many fairy tales surround that theme (e.g. Princess and the Frog). 


I guess that was judgmental against boys.


I couldn't speak another word. 


I couldn't kiss him. 


I have spent the past few hours trying to find a way to end it. 


Today I shall attend a political event alone.


*****

I want someone who will let me be me. 

I want someone who will let my bad girl out, without asking her to be quiet and inhibited for the neighbor's sake. 

I want someone who will let me try new things and go crazy. 

I want someone who won't judge me when I feel the desire to suck out every last drop. 

*****


So, I am crying today. 

I'm eating too much chocolate. 

I'm going to a political event with a bunch of conservative men.  If I want sex....I can find it.  I don't think I want it with just anybody. 

I will allow my heart to heal first.  




Love ya,


S.

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