Today I am thankful that I have recognized that when there is a lot of stress in one's life,
the best thing to do is let go.
My life isn't working.
My ex-husband won't move out. I don't have the heart or money to evict him.
I'm trying to convince him to sell the house. The insurance just ballooned. I can't afford the house now. I feel guilty asking for alimony or him to pay back the $12,000 he stole after I filed for a divorce.
He said he'd do those things. He never does what he says he will do.
I am thinking about moving out.
Yes, I was awarded this house and the equity in the divorce but the money I was promised in the separation agreement to start my new life isn't there now because my ex spent a good chunk of it without my permission. The rest of it is still in an account with his name.
I'm probably going to wind up moving out anyway just to get away from the madness.
Divorce decrees and separation agreements rarely become reality. They may look good on paper but they don't necessarily translate well into reality.
This is just a continuation of the sexless marriage I was in before. I still have a stalker. I still get yelled at. I just don't have health insurance.
I am fairly sure that my ex is behind the stalking. The cops say he is. I can't prove it, though.
That makes it hard to do anything so long as he is still here.
I am beginning to feel incredibly depressed.
I am beginning to feel incredibly depressed.
*****
This has impacted my relationship with Steve so much so that I am leaning quite heavily towards letting him go.
It is creepy to hear my ex-husband say that Steve has everything that he wants. I hear this every time I visit my boyfriend. My ex looks like he's going to cry and claims he wants me back the way things were. It hurts me, partly, because things are still the way they've been since 2006!
That sadness and negative anticipation is beginning to creep into the connection I had with Steve. I don't feel it anymore. I still love my boyfriend dearly -but- I don't feel him. Maybe because I'm depressed and embarrassed over the situation. Maybe because I feel guilty for believing that this was over and telling my best friend about it.
Maybe it is because Steve shushes me, or tells me that the things I talk about are too heavy, or tells me not to apologize when I feel like I need to, or when he pulls away when I touch his face.
Maybe I was offended when he called me a bunny and "submissive." I am NOT submissive. I am trying to stay alive. I feel incredibly judged. There are times around him when I feel incredibly beautiful and then there are other times when I feel yucky.
When I tell him that I will only put up with so much crap before I start seizing my power and taking control of the situation, something I refer to as "mean", he tells me that I am not being nice to myself.
I am having trouble letting go of the "submissive" comment.
Damn....I helped start an activist group and ran against two city councilmen that vied for Mayor because the city council supported an abusive employee that broke the law and stole my money. Seriously? Am I submissive?
I'm getting ready to take on the City Manager and the Mayor.
Submissive my @$$.
Could I have misunderstood? I don't think so.
I'm just trying to stay alive. I don't feel safe right now. My sister-in-law tried to break into my house. My ex-husband claims he gave her a key then he told me that he lied about it. This makes me think my ex is delusional. That is what scares me. Delusional people will murder people for crazy reasons. I want to get out of here alive with three living and breathing little girls!
My ex can always say that the stalking got bad when I became an activist. After I started calling the council out of their poor leadership, the cops sat outside my house on a daily basis (I have another blog detailing that).
Now, I'm on a blame merry-go-round. My ex blames his sister and cops. The cops blame him -but- they refuse to investigate.
The cops refusal to investigate or take reports is a HUGE red flag to me. This creates a sliver of possibility that the cops are behind it, too. I did catch the PAR officer playing around in my back yard and messing with something in my garage in July of 2011. Maybe they're doing it for political reasons? I don't know. I wish they'd investigate and give me something solid.
*****
I guess that doesn't matter. This is not what is making me cry today.
The connection with Steve has degraded so much so that I am not sure I want to continue.
I don't feel him. I don't feel fireworks anymore. I feel raw and weird and bored. It has become a physical sensation that I do not know how to define.
It is a feeling best described as the sensation I feel l when I scrub dead skin off of my feet. I try to focus on how much I love him but the awkwardness and rawness of it all takes my attention away from that.
I don't know how to fix it.
Breaking up with Steve will hurt me because he was my closest friend. It'll be throwing away a three year relationship. I keep finding myself not doing things with Steve because I don't want to come home to hear my ex crying.
I am realizing that I have to break up with Steve. I'm working on that. This entire situation is stressing me out. I can't find a solution.
I try. I can't fix it. I guess it is time to just do what I can to stay safe and sane.
Wish me luck.
May everyone find the one most suited for them without dealing with crazy stress.
Love ya,
S.