Today I am thankful that I have a place to document my crazy life.
Okay....I have the flu, so please bear with me.
I left you hanging when I expressed concerns about my relationship with Steve and suggested breaking things off.
I'm exhausted, so you get the short and sweet version.
I've been having nightmares that my kids are going to get murdered.
I've been running to the shrink twice a week to discuss why I'm freaking out. Long story short, my ex is being incredibly, scary, and freakishly 'nice.' I catch him staring off into space quite frequently. The last time he did that, the stalking picked up, and 90% of our retirement accounts went missing.
I am terrified but I cannot express exactly why.
Earlier this week, Steve went to the hospital. I do not have the heart to break up with a guy when he is violently ill. Either Steve is good at gas-lighting or he wrote me a series of nonsensical emails when he was feverish. I'm not sure yet as I haven't had a chance to feel the situation out.
I pretty much pegged his mother as having some kind of cluster B personality issue because she's incredibly controlling. I KNEW he'd be alone. Cluster Bs only do things that give them fame or control. They don't do things out of empathy.
He was alone. I knew I wouldn't meet his mother at the hospital.
I visited with him twice. I stayed well past visiting hours. I left when I had to go to the dentist. I stayed as long as I could as a friend.
I smuggled fake cigarettes into the hospital.
Yes, I am aware that sounds incredibly sinful but I am not a Christian. I am a follower of Dionysus. There is nothing wrong with helping indulge a craving. It's not like I bought him real cigarettes and tried to kill him with nicotine.
I went two weeks without being alone with Steve.
Steve broke my heart last week. My ex (Mike) found me crying. He'd been buying ice cream (not knowing that I am allergic to it) and was trying to help me feel better.
Then, I got sick.
I do not know my status with Steve. I am unclear where Mike thinks he stands with me. I've spent the good chunk of the past week in my bedroom shivering and sweating due to the flu.
Friday.....I was at my worst yesterday. The kids told my ex that I was sick. He came home early to beg me to go to my bedroom and rest. I was violently shaking.
He promised to take care of the kids.
He promised to buy them dinner.
I started to go upstairs and there was a knock at the door.
It was STEVE!
Oh....no....
Steve didn't want to come in. I insisted on visiting with him to figure out why he was here. He walked to the house, so I gave him a ride to the class we usually take together on Fridays.
I was hallucinating.
I was seeing spots.
I was vacillating between chills and sweating.
I wasn't wearing make-up.
I wasn't wearing deodorant.
I smelled like a sewer.
He said I was pretty.
I was confused but at least he thought I was pretty.
Maybe he wanted to see if Mike and I were still living together, or intimate, or whether or not Mike knew who he was.
Mike knew.
Mike was angry.
He said wasn't angry that Steve visited the house. He claimed that he was angry that I left the house in the condition I was in.
So.....today has been interesting.
If I had a nickel for every time my ex said certain phrases, I wouldn't be worried about my financial future.
"WE ARE UNEQUIVOCALLY OVER!"
"WE HAVE TO DIVORCE."
"I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."
"YOU NEED TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT."
"I'll ALWAYS WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH YOU.*"
* Now, according to the religion I was raised in, I can only have one sexual partner at a time and I cannot go back to anyone that I had been with previously. According to my religious tradition, I can never have sex with Michael again.
This is a bastardized combination of Paganism and Christianity that I learned from my Step-father. I don't know what it would take to overcome that.
I can't eff any of my exes (no matter how hot they look in their kilts).
Mike knows that.
He has also been listening into my telephone conversations because he's quoting some of the things I say.
He knows about Steve and I. He's quoted some of the things I've said to Steve.
Sigh.....
Mike has also admitted to doing things to hold me back and keep me from working.
Yes, he is my stalker. He still says his sister is stalking me of her own volition but I am not so sure of that anymore.
I'm a little scared.
It's probably nothing.
The divorce will be final in five days.
I am praying that I can find a job that Mike won't know about. I really am tired of the stalking.
Wish me luck.
Love ya,
S.