Today I am thankful that I am digging my way out of a hole.
I am still not happy.
The divorce agreement will not be honored.
That's okay.
I went crying to my sister-aunt. She's the kid I was raised with when my grandmother stole me from my mother and father. We act like sisters.
Her advice was to suck it up....
She told me to buy a shitty car to ride around in until I can get a decent one.
So, I did.
I am now the proud owner of a super old and ugly Nissan that has a blue book value of $2,300. I got it for $1,500.
A neighborhood mechanic owned it. It has about six months before the bearings in the front tire go bad. He gave me the bearings. I also need a tire. He welcomed me to call him if the car started acting funny.
I have six months to get my shit together. He thinks the car can last three more years. I trust the mechanic.
I can now look for a job.
****
I am at a loss as far as what to do.
After the judge ruled our divorce final, Mike told me that now we can get remarried with a pre-nup to prevent him from robbing me blind.
But....but....but.....
uh....I am in love with another man.
I am hurt and confused.
I am so bad at breaking up.
I've only done it three times in my life. I think I've only done it three times. Maybe I've only done it twice. Maybe I've done it four times.
I don't know....
hmmmmmmm....
*****
Thomas was the worst. I remember. He left me so I could go to college. There were days after our relationship ended when he would approach me with tears in his eyes. It was like a dagger in my heart. I hated that.
Now, I am a Libertarian. He's a California boy. I guess that means I'm pond scum. He was the first person I told about running for office. He took off like a bat out of hell! I literally never saw him again.
Thomas used to laugh at Mike's car when I drove it. I used to freak out at Mike's car. Mike was well over 500 pounds and broke the seat. He held it up with bricks. I was so scared of that car, that I would give up my mini-van on the days Mike had the kids, so no one would get hit in the head with a brick when he stopped for red-light cameras.
Besides, I'm pretty sure that Thomas would take one look at my Nissan and run off laughing!!!
Oh, well....old cars have character!
*****
Ross tried to kill me. It wasn't too hard to keep him away. He was a little creepy. He never approached me, he just damaged my car on the days I was court ordered to testify against him. Worse, his lawyer would find me to threaten me. I had the last laugh.
I legally changed my name to Rio and ignored the judges dictate to publish my name in the paper. Ross hates the song. He hates the city. That man and his lawyers never found me until I changed my name back.
It's funny!!! To this day, no one believes that I did that (and I was shocked the press didn't eat me alive during my campaign). Before the internet, a woman could get away with such a trick. I did.
That was an easy break-up. All I had to do was change my name, change my car, change my hair, move to a new city and hide! This man broke my nose and messed up my jaw. My face changed as it healed. I do not look a lot like I did when I was with him.
*****
This is my third break-up. It's hard. What am I doing wrong?
This is my third break-up. It's hard. What am I doing wrong?
Maybe this is #4. I don't know. I think I broke up with Steve. I didn't mean to. I was trying to stop his fear of being a bad boyfriend. Get rid of the title and there is no way to be bad at it. Right?
I'm not sure if I broke up with him. I just took away the boyfriend title because it made him act out of character. It changed him. I hated it. Now, I am realizing that maybe the aggressive, protective, romantic, and overtly helpful guy is who Steve really is. Maybe he was holding back until he took that title.
I don't know. If I broke up with Steve, I don't know if he would count as #3 or #4?
I still love him very much, maybe more than I did the day I took his title away. We don't act like we've broken up. So, I guess that does not count.
On the other hand, Michael and I do not act like we've broken up. We've lived like roommates since 2006. We are still doing that. It's bizarre.
YIKES!!!
Mike should be my third break-up. He's been talking divorce since 2000! Somehow, I don't think he thinks we are over.
So, how does one break up with an ex-husband? I thought finalizing the divorce would do the trick.
Now...I don't know.
I try telling him what I want.
It's no good.
I'm going to meditate on this.
I miss sex.
I am in love.
My love is hot.
The goddess sends me the perfect guy but I don't know how I can be with him.
I'll find a solution.
I am trying to update on this mess just in case something creepy happens.
I thought things would be more clear by now.
They are just more muddled than before.
I am praying for clarity.
Love ya,
S.