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Lemon Balm Tea

Today I am thankful for Lemon Balm Tea. 


I blocked my "boyfriend" akin the old saying "out of sight, out of mind."

Oh, if it only worked that way.

It turns out that he is insane. 

Or he doesn't listen. 

It makes more sense that he is insane.

He is angry that my divorce is final in eleven days.  He pretended to forget that we delayed the final hearing so my ex could get a tidy tax refund.  We had that talk months ago before I let him get me alone.  He said he was an anarchist, so the government didn't define my relationship in his eyes. 

Well....I wanted time alone and away from craziness in his life and he threw my divorce in my face.

It was his ace in the hole.  I wasn't ready for a relationship.  I let him push me and now I'm pond scum because I didn't wait for my divorce to be final.

I remember him asking if an eight year celibacy streak was enough time alone. 

I guess it wasn't.

It was more like seven years. 

Because he bitched about my marital status, I told him that I would avoid him until the divorce was final and my ex took his last box out of the house.   He's got so much crap over here, some of it boxed up prior to 1994, he won't be gone anytime soon (even if he moves out). 

 I'm sure my former boyfriend will find another love by the time that happens.

He's a Leo.  Everything is a fight.  If I want five minutes to myself, it's a fight. 

I needed a weekend away from his family dynamics.  I needed a weekend away from being pushed for sex. 

I have awful memories of his mother calling during moments we were close. 

His mother dictates when I go home by when she lets him see his daughter.  I can only imagine how controlling she will be when she has both his son and daughter. 

Then, I'm going to stay mum on what the Gyno told me.

Well....maybe I should say....I don't know. 

My birth control isn't effective.  We don't know why.  It could be that the pain medications I am taking are messing with my liver and so my body isn't processing it as it should.  If one is spotting all the time, she's not safe to screw unless you like watching her knit booties. 

I can't knit....so....

I can't be with a guy until I try something else (unless he likes rain jackets). 

I love ginger and parsley tea.  I'll suck that down to make sure nothing comes of this little fling.

I'll suck the Lemon Balm to get over my feelings.  Black candles, lemon balm, and eggs. 

I even have the perfect lighter. 

I bought it for Steve before he went bonkers. 

It was a custom Zippo made in brass. 

It had his name on the lid. 

It had a Bob Marley quote on it "Light up the darkness."

He likes to light cheap apple scented candles when he's feeling amorous.  Aphrodite likes apples, so I always thought that was a cute thing to do.  I bought him a huge three wick apple candle from Yankee Candle. 

I was going to let him ponder the meaning of the gift. 

To me "light up the darkness" means fighting for the underdog.  The fact that Bob Marley said it makes it about social activism.  I wanted to see how Mr. Reads-Too-Much-Into-Everything would take it. 

I wanted to flirt with him by dropping it off on his porch, wrapped in tissue inside an apple scented wooden box with a sweet and loving Christmas ornament as a bow.  The ornament was pewter.  It was inscribed "with loving thoughts of you at Christmas." 

I thought he would enjoy pondering what was on my mind when I bought everything. 

I never got to give it to him.  His mother and father wanted to do something with him and picked him up several hours earlier that originally planned. 

I never got to drop the gift off. 

He only wanted me to drop it off if it led to sex.  Sex on that day would have led to babies....

NO!! 

I made the right decision for everyone involved.  My friend....myself....his mother.  

His mom...well... she's getting far too old to steal another child from her son. 

Then he sent me this email about how gift giving makes me break up with him.  No....he bitches and gives me the suggestion that I'm breaking up with him.  Then he whines about my life.  Then he attacks. Then he's gone. 

This time...he blamed Bitcoin. 

Bitcoin made him crazier than a pit bull foaming at the mouth.

Don't ask me. 

I don't know. 

I give up. 

I am not ready for any relationship. 

I should be laughing at the absurdity of it all. 

I'm crying. 

I'm not ready for a relationship. 

I don't know if I should write about my disdain for Porn Star Sex.  Sex is NOT supposed to be what we see on TV.  It's supposed to be down and dirty.  It's supposed to be real and spontaneous.  Look, I'd rather have a short dirty scream fest than 40 minute yoga fun. 

Do I mention the nightmare of shushing?

Ugh!!

Some women actually like fellatio.  If she's bleeding all the damn time, there are alternatives. 

I feel lost and inhibited around him. 

If I can't do one thing....and I can't do the others....what is left to do?

I don't know if I should write about my penchant for buying bass guitars after break ups.  

I bought a five string Steinberger after Thomas.

I got a custom made five string Koa wood Peavey after Ross. 

Mike promised me a fretless Fender.  I sold my guitars to stay afloat.  I am saving up for a fretless bass. 

Steve....what is that worth?  An eight week fling where we spend half of it arguing over some stupid things he wrote on Facebook? 

Hmmmm.......do they make bass guitars cheap enough? 

I know.....I know.....

I think I'll go out and buy myself a kazoo and make all the damn noise I want to make!!! 

Love ya,

S. 

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