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31 Days To Go

Today I am thankful that I have 31 days to go until my divorce is final. 

My ex is still living with me.  He is telling me that he will not move out until I have a good paying job. 

That is the catch-22.  I don't know how to get a good paying job working for someone else.  I haven't worked in a traditional job in 17 years.  I haven't held a job in 22 years without being stalked by a member of his family!  I have no references that will not tell prospective employers "she's afraid to come into work because some fat chick follows her around" or "her husband doesn't want her to work."

I am not sure I can do that until I know for sure the stalking is over.  

I can work for myself.  I am not sure that I can work for anyone else. 

It is creepy. 

I spend the weekends that my ex wanted with the girls with Steve. 

It is incredibly creepy to have my ex call me when I'm with Steve to ask me to pick up stuff at the grocery store. 

I spend money on myself and to support Michael which comes from my portion of the divorce settlement.  Mike hasn't turned that account over to me yet.  He just takes money out of it and puts it in the joint checking account in order to run the household.  I don't know where his money is going.  By law, so long as he lives in this house, he does not have to pay child support. 

My ex has the better end of the deal.  My money is his money so long as he's in the house.  His money is his money.  Unless he's being ultra irresponsible, I don't know where those funds are going.

I have decided to continue to allow Michael to borrow my van.  I don't care.  I'm not as nasty as he is.  He won't share his car.  I'll share mine.  I bought mine with a loan I took out (he never has to pay on it).  We used family funds to pay for his car.  We used my share of the divorce settlement to put a new engine, alternator, and do other repairs to his car. 

I am a bigger person. 

I am much luckier because I am a good person.  I have more friends.  I get more opportunities. 

I guess it all works itself out in the end. 

I do find myself asking how much can an ex screw me out of in the next 31 days? 

There is no way I can protect myself. 

The soonest I can begin eviction proceedings is January 9th.  I'm not even sure that I have it in me to do that.  I can imagine the children getting upset with me if I push my ex out of the house before he is ready. 

Maybe I need to do a love spell.  Maybe I can ask Isis to bring my ex a love who won't put up with his crap. 

She'd help him move out. 

We'll see. 

I think my biggest fear would be hurting Steve.  He's been my friend for three years.  I can't imagine life without him.  If my ex continues to sabotage me and take up a large chunk of my time, I can see how I'll lose my best friend. 

I should be more available to my friend and less available to provide homemaking services to my ex. 

That's the thing....he's not really supporting me.  I'm still doing his laundry and spending about two hours a day cooking and cleaning up after him.  Who needs who here? 

I don't know how to divorce, huh?

I'm not doing it right. 

I don't think it is proper to bleach your ex husband's whites while talking to your love on the telephone. 

That is incredibly creepy.

I guess this should have been expected.  We stopped sleeping together in 2001.  We've had a sexless marriage since 2008.  We've been roommates.  I guess divorce does little to change the reality of the situation. 

We are still roommates.

Divorce just frees up some of the money my ex has been controlling for years, keeps him from ripping me off as much as he was because the courts will hold him accountable, and it will help me put an end to the stalking.

I should say one thing, though.  Steve is very well grounded in logic and science.  He has this amazing ability to debunk most of the bullshit I've been spoon-fed over the past 22 years.  That truly is helping me get away from the crazy crap. 

It helps knowing that my van won't blow up.  So I can look for a job. 

It helps knowing that being followed isn't a problem.   Shannon, William, Rhonda, Doug and whoever else is recruited to follow me isn't the problem.  The problem is how other people perceive their behavior and the property damage they cause. 

It helps knowing that I CAN get a restraining order if Shannon harasses another colleague or damages property.  I can prove those things. 

It helps knowing that I have a huge support system. 

Most of all, it helps knowing that there is one person in the world who has faith that I can solve my problems by myself.  I usually do. 

There is something about another human being having faith in us that makes everything brighter. 

I am a lucky woman indeed!

Love,

S. 

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