Today I'm thankful....for music.
I bought a car. It's eighteen years old. It has just a few miles on it and an updated stereo system. It drives like a dream.
I drove it 500 miles on a single tank of gas. I wanted to see Georgia O'Keefe's ranch.
My kids love to draw and paint.
I thought we could all be inspired.
So...the lawyer sent out an eviction letter. Michael agreed to watch the kiddo's fish.
We left.
The kids only let me get as far as Raton. It took us four days and three hotel rooms.
They wanted to go home and check on the fish.
I made the drive home in less than a day.
When I arrived, my ex-husband was there.
The betta fish was floating upright with his body twisted and his gills cut out.
There was blood.
I was angry.
My lawyer said he needed another $1,500 to proceed with a contempt citation. In my anger, I took the money out of my IRA sent it to the lawyer and demanded that he get my ex out of the house NOW!
That was three weeks ago.
Nothing has changed
I've sunk $3,000 into this and I think I'm going to have to give up on my lawyer.
*****
So.....when we came home to the messy house, with no food and a dead fish, lawn and garden....I came home to another surprise.
My kids had been dis-enrolled from school.
Do you know why?
My mail is being forwarded to a PO Box. My mail went missing. A thought a PO Box would solve the problem.
Apparently, the school district takes that as a sign that I've moved out of the district. I told them about the stalking. The PAR officers know about the stalking....
I've told them about it for years. They've helped me determine that the kids are safe.
Heck, the police officers at the school have predicted Michael's behavior for me and been right!
They know I'm being stalked.
Apparently, parents are not allowed to use PO Boxes for their mail - even if they are domestic violence victims - even if they are stalking victims.
I am having a heck of a time getting them re-enrolled.
I'm frustrated.
I may need to chew out my frenemies on the school board.
Holy crap....
******
On top of that I had to get a new computer - and need to get a new phone.
My computer screen was cracked a couple of weeks ago. I'm on my fourth phone this month.
I bought an I-phone that was supposed to be unlocked because a computer tech friend said they were harder to hack.
The I-phone wasn't unlocked so I had to take it back. I would have switched carriers but I want to wait until Michael is out of the house to do so.
I'm to the point of just walking into a Sprint store and buying one outright. With spotty data, it may be hard for an asshat to track my every move.
Maybe the Sprint network is safer for stalking victims.
It's stupid that I have to think like that, isn't it?
Ugh....
******
I've been busy working two jobs.
I got promoted and took a pay cut.
I've been swamped with hypnotherapy clients.
I still can't make the bills.
I'm looking for a third job. I realize that I'm on my own financially and that he'll never pay me the money he took or help with child support.
He expects me to support him!
That's the rub.
I can't get him out of the house.
How does one evict a lying, stalker ex?
You can't.
I'd like to do it in the family court. It's my house. I have the deed. He was supposed to leave on October 21, 2013.
He won't pack.
I would like a judge to order him to pay me the money he stole and order him out of the marital home.
I need to fix it up to sell it.
At this point, I'm realizing that I'll never get a court date. Even if I did, he'll get creepier.
Last night, he was upset that he owes $28,000 in back child support (which I promised to waive if he moved out). He also owes me over $13,000 in money he stole from the retirement accounts.
He claimed my lawyer cooked up the numbers.
That scared me. The numbers are numbers. He actually took far more from the retirement accounts....somewhere along the lines of $50,000.
Maybe more because the statements went missing prior to the divorce.
He took $17,000 after I filed for divorce. The $13,000 reflects money he took after he was supposed to sign the account over to me minus money he gave me for my car and repairs.
He has the unmitigated gall to be upset with me.
I'm supporting him! I spend more than $1,200 per month on food.
When it just the kids and I, the number drops to $500.
I'm frustrated.
He's never going to leave.
So....I offered to leave the house and let him live here until we can come to an agreement.
He told me that if I left, the house would be foreclosed upon within three months.
I asked him to leave.
He said "No."
So.....I'm stuck.
*******
I'm stuck listening to music.
I can hear the guitar riffs.
I can feel the bass lines.
I can feel the fret board in my hands and the strings pressing into my fingers.
It's automatic.
When I close my eyes, I feel myself playing a left-handed bass.
It's weird.
It's like everything is reversed.
I've decided to save up for a lefty.
When I took gun lessons, I found that I shot better with my left hand.
Maybe I'm on to something.
******
I'm also trying to avoid love.
I work with a former D.J.
I knew his voice when I met him. I thought it was because he is politically active.
No....he used to D.J. on my favorite radio station.
We sit together.
He was also a music major.
Life has been tough for him......very tough.....so tough he's soon going to be celebrated for sharing his inspiring story.
I can't tell you who he is or his story.
I can say that he requests that I hug him.
I really hug him.
I can feel the love dripping from his soul into mine.
It makes me cry.
When he is discriminated against, I hold back tears.
I can't tell you his story.
He understands me. He understands the value of sound in my life. He understand music history, music theory. He has stories of local musicians, too.
It breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart that we care for each other and I can never be with him.
I can not leave my forced relationship with my ex, so I've sworn off dating.
I get the sense that he thinks that once Michael leaves, we can try.
We cannot.
He is evangelical Christian.
I cannot forsake my Gods.
I love Jesus.... As he is Horus. He is a mix of Dionysus and Apollo. He is in numerous religions through numerous ages. He is the savior. He is love even if he is not the sandy haired white man the Christians in my culture worship.
I cannot take an allegiance against Muslims. I cannot ridicule gay people or tell them how to live.
I am conservative but I am so conservative that I may appear to be liberal. I'm more like a Goldwater Conservative (pro-choice, fiscally conservative). There's no reason to forsake the freedoms of anyone for who they are - their religion, their sexual identity, their race or gender.
Freedom is freedom.
When I was beaten, pregnant and crying. It was Artemis who came to me in dreams. She is the one who answered my prayers for comfort. She told me that there was a man who loved me and was looking for me. She told me that I would awaken with green eyes to remember her words.
For weeks afterwards, candles I lit bared a man's name in the ash. I still have one spent candle with the name prominent in the remnants. I can't figure out for the life of me how that would happen.
I've seen him since.
There is love there -but- I cannot put another through my hell.
I pray he's found another love and he's happy.
We never could get into each other. I think I bored him.
That's okay.
Love doesn't necessarily lead anywhere.
It just is.
As an interesting aside, I wanted to know how to repay Artemis.
A single mother who worked at the school asked me to watch her daughter for a half-hour after work so she could finish up.
I agreed. I didn't want any money for it. I was happy to do it.
The little girl's name was Artemis.
******
I've got a backlog of recording projects.
I have to figure out my passwords to most of my online accounts.
I'm looking for a left handed bass.
I may want a new saxophone, too. When I listen to sax solos, I can actually smell wet reed.
I think I miss it too much.
Maybe music is the only love I can have now.
That's okay.
Love ya,
S.