Today I am thankful for phallic symbols and sexual anthropology.......and men.
Men understand what I am going through better than the women. I guess they are usually the ones shut out in sexless relationships. At least someone understands.
In my guilt, I realized that I was doing the same thing to someone else that I loved. I was rejecting him out of some stupid sense of fidelity and honor even though there is probably no reason to behave like that given the crap my ex says.
The truth is that I am not there for him. So, I decided to go to the market to get gifts for Aphrodite and Eros.
I asked them to find my friend a new love because...he needs it
and I don't like it when the politicians talk about me hanging out with men that aren't married to me.
I bought them decadent chocolate cupcakes. They're on my altar. I'm too lovesick to even want to eat any of the others. I gave those away.
Four hours later, the candles are still burning.
My room smells like roses.
I feel so hot.
At the market, I had this guy look at me and grin like a wild one.
The man looked familiar. I had no idea where I knew him from. Maybe he has a kid in the area? Maybe he was in the audience during those stupid speeches. I don't know.
He was staring.
I didn't understand it.
It took me a few minutes.
I was rummaging through the Valentine Day sales. I found a new, hotter, devil costume. I wore my other one out as I carry it with me everywhere I go in case Doug or Shannon accost me in public and call me a Satan again.
This one was HOT! Short skirt, sequined....I'm not sure that I could've pulled it off.
That, in and of itself, wouldn't make this guy smirk like that.
I looked at him and he quickly turned around and pretended to be looking at some paper towels.
Oh....
Then I looked in my cart.
It was filled with sausages. These were the most obnoxious links I'd ever seen. These were huge.
I hate sausages.
The man in the basement likes them. A well fed ex in the basement, stays in the basement. Besides they were 90% off. So, I bought several pounds of them to shove in the freezer. I think they were less than $1.00 a pound.
Oh....I get it!!!
I looked like a horny little devil!
Geez.
I tried to avoid him until he left.
I wonder where I know him from?
I'll probably find out soon enough.
Huh....
No matter.
I came home....
did my ritual....
had a filthy dream about my friend because I fell asleep on the floor while saying my prayer.
I went over to my computer and found a message from my favorite political adviser.
He knows I'm celibate.
Another candidate had me deposed when I ran for office and most of the questions posed over an eight hour period were about my sex life (or lack of one). There was some scandal about my ex allegedly throwing me into a wall as I slept. We don't sleep together. We don't even sleep on the same floor of the house. We don't share a room. I don't have a wall anywhere near my bed. I have a window. I have a door to a soft sided make-shift recording studio. I have bookcases. He couldn't have thrown me into a wall. There is too much damping and sound-proof foam around the surfaces of that room anyway. He couldn't do me any harm even if he tried.
It's a shame I don't get to scream it in though. I finally get my bedroom set up to where no one could hear me and I don't have a partner.
Isn't that how life goes?
Yikes....
Anyway, when it came to that deposition and having to talk about my sex life I found the truth to be incredibly embarrassing.
I'm so unsexy that I can't even get my spouse interested.....
I was fine so long as that was a secret.
It is a depressing thought.
This all came out during the deposition. I had to run to the political advisers before the lawyer's gossip hit.
That's when the secret was revealed. Everyone f'ing knows now!! It's no secret that I've been alone for years and cohabit for the sake of the kids.
No one could slam me for it, though. It made me look like an angel, sucking up in a bad marriage for the sake of my daughters and granddaughter. Any scandal quickly died with four little words.
"It's for the children."
This political adviser is also a friend of my friend.
He sent me this bizarre message about sexual anthropology. I have an undergrad in social science, a graduate degree in psychology, and several counseling certifications: I am familiar with many concepts pertaining to the theories of sexual attraction and monogamy.
I found it interesting to see that. I guess that was his way to give me permission to stop climbing the walls.
I don't know.
I think my friend and I are moving in opposite directions. That's okay. Guys need what they need. If he can get that need met, all the more power to him.
I want to get rid of the stalking crap first. I mean, the stalker gets to the men that know me. I can't do anything that will put my friend or his kids in danger.
This is killing me.
My ex and his therapist are working on the letting me go issue. Finally, my ex had the insight that the stalking was his way to get enmeshed in my life and keep tabs on me. He realizes that his family has issues with enmeshment, too and that is why they harass me on the street.
It won't be long now.
I hate the weekends here. My ex is in the house all weekend long. I end up hiding out in my bedroom unless I can find somewhere else to go. It sucks. It makes me cry. I can't record when I cry because people can hear it in my voice. So...I just sit up here and cry.
I want to leave.
All I need is my own money. I don't want to have to depend on a man to get my needs met. I'm working on it.
Men are fun simply because they are amusing and entertaining.
That should be enough.
They shouldn't have to play banker for you.
Love,
S.