Skip to main content

Anger

Today I am thankful for Anger.


I am livid. 

Long story short, I went to a political meeting and everyone wanted to know what my last name was. 

They saw my friend's declaration of love.  

They wanted the sordid details. 

They wanted to know if my divorce was finally final. 

Mums the word. 

I'm not happy...but my anger isn't with my friend. 

It is with Mike. 

After coming home, I asked him when we could file for that legal separation.  I want a firm date.  I want to know what he wants.  I had a lawyer offer to do everything for next to nothing if I could strike an agreement with Mike.

He said that if I wanted to try to form a relationship with my friend, he'd sign the papers.  He just doesn't know how to "separate" if I return to work and can't help with the kids.  The original plan was that he would have custody, the house and I would pay child support.  Then, he took a job with insane hours and the lawyers told me that I'd have to have custody. 

If I divorce and am under his control, it is still a controlling relationship.

I never got a straight answer from Mike about when to file.  For two hours, we spoke about the stalking, the sexless marriage, the verbal abuse, the financial abuse....and how I feel like my life is passing me by. 

Somewhere around 12:00 am, I was informed that he had married above his station in life and would never allow me to go because he'll never find anyone like me. 

Stupid narcissists...it's always about what they want and how they look. 

He apologized for lying to me all these years. 

Who the hell tells his wife he's leaving her, moves into the basement, promises to let her leave when he gets a job, and gets pissed when she tries to leave after keeping her end of the bargain?

I love my friend.  I'm going to either have to find $4,000 to get out of here or promise to never see him again. 

There's got to be another woman just dying to snap him up. 

I'm not sleeping at all.  

I hate Valentine's Day.  There's really no reason to be alone.  I found love.  I'm just too flipping cash poor to do the thing my heart wants. 

It's the thought that my friend is hurting that is killing me on the inside.

This hurts too much. 

I truly can't sleep. 

I'm on my own.   

I know this guy....he wants to save me.  You know, the better thing to do is let me save myself and let him take the credit.  I'll accept his advice...if it is face to face or over the telephone. 

My friends are telling me to get a new shrink and work out why I let a suicidal, raging, violent narcissist call the shots.

Hello?  Do the words "suicidal"....."homicidal"...."violent" ring any bells for ya?

Look, the crazies among us tend to control things due to their inordinate flexibility. 

I'm trying to set him up for a promotion across the country. 

If that happens the problem is solved.  Right?

Maybe if I go on strike and stop cleaning up after my ex.....maybe he won't have a reason to keep me around. 

We'll see. 

Love ya,

S.

Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....
Read more

Venus Meditations

  Today I am thankful for my new realization.  In my world, Friday is the day of love (reminds of The Cure - lol).  It's true.  Friday is the day of Venus.  Exhausted as I was after work, I went to my altar and lit a candle asking that my friend find whatever his life is lacking. Then I went upstairs and did my Friday night ritual to Aphrodite.  I lit a candle asking that I gain confidence in my ability to love.  I also ask that I recognize true love.  I was too exhausted to linger so I tried to fall asleep.  Have you been too tired to sleep?  It's horrible.  Your mind goes round and round -  you might recall things that happened recently (like the doctor telling me to be careful because I haven't hit menopause yet and I say, "not worried about it" while thinking that it's a good time to be in a sexual drought - hooray for me),  or things going on at work  (that I can hypnotize little cranky babies to sleep without sa...
Read more

Welcome to the Club, Zuckerberg (also a warning)

Today I am thankful for realizing that I am not alone.   There is a frustrating feeling that one gets when trying to educate lawmakers about the reality of the world in which we live. I saw this feeling expressed by Mark Zuckerberg during that charade of a Congressional hearing he took part in this week. Zuckerberg looks a mixture of angry and frustrated.  I know that face.  That's the face where I am stifling laughter so hard that it looks like I'm going to cry. That's my political face.  My background is in social science and psychology.  Imagine how irritating it is trying to explain that city policy is based on the concept of a traditional nuclear family (mom, dad, kids - people tied together by blood or legal policy).  As such, there are laws on the books that break up other types of families (more complex family systems of economic cooperation).  Trying to explain that there are  people who share economic resources without bloo...
Read more