Today I am thankful for Anger.
I am livid.
Long story short, I went to a political meeting and everyone wanted to know what my last name was.
They saw my friend's declaration of love.
They wanted the sordid details.
They wanted to know if my divorce was finally final.
Mums the word.
I'm not happy...but my anger isn't with my friend.
It is with Mike.
After coming home, I asked him when we could file for that legal separation. I want a firm date. I want to know what he wants. I had a lawyer offer to do everything for next to nothing if I could strike an agreement with Mike.
He said that if I wanted to try to form a relationship with my friend, he'd sign the papers. He just doesn't know how to "separate" if I return to work and can't help with the kids. The original plan was that he would have custody, the house and I would pay child support. Then, he took a job with insane hours and the lawyers told me that I'd have to have custody.
If I divorce and am under his control, it is still a controlling relationship.
I never got a straight answer from Mike about when to file. For two hours, we spoke about the stalking, the sexless marriage, the verbal abuse, the financial abuse....and how I feel like my life is passing me by.
Somewhere around 12:00 am, I was informed that he had married above his station in life and would never allow me to go because he'll never find anyone like me.
Stupid narcissists...it's always about what they want and how they look.
He apologized for lying to me all these years.
Who the hell tells his wife he's leaving her, moves into the basement, promises to let her leave when he gets a job, and gets pissed when she tries to leave after keeping her end of the bargain?
I love my friend. I'm going to either have to find $4,000 to get out of here or promise to never see him again.
There's got to be another woman just dying to snap him up.
I'm not sleeping at all.
I hate Valentine's Day. There's really no reason to be alone. I found love. I'm just too flipping cash poor to do the thing my heart wants.
It's the thought that my friend is hurting that is killing me on the inside.
This hurts too much.
I truly can't sleep.
I'm on my own.
I know this guy....he wants to save me. You know, the better thing to do is let me save myself and let him take the credit. I'll accept his advice...if it is face to face or over the telephone.
My friends are telling me to get a new shrink and work out why I let a suicidal, raging, violent narcissist call the shots.
Hello? Do the words "suicidal"....."homicidal"...."violent" ring any bells for ya?
Look, the crazies among us tend to control things due to their inordinate flexibility.
I'm trying to set him up for a promotion across the country.
If that happens the problem is solved. Right?
Maybe if I go on strike and stop cleaning up after my ex.....maybe he won't have a reason to keep me around.
We'll see.
Love ya,
S.