Today, I am thankful for heartbreak because it least I know my ticker works.
Not really....I'm just trying to be positive.
Well, despite the fact that my divorce is looking much easier, cheaper and quicker than it did yesterday,....
I decided to cut my friend off.
I'm actually thinking about deleting my Facebook account.
Do you know why?
I saw my ex for five minutes. He said something about gravity and unicorns and having nine friends in common with my dear friend.
My ex has been blocked from my page for years.
My friend posted that status on Monday (well, maybe it was Sunday). I've been living with my microphone for two weeks now. If you've ever had a recording project, you'd now that it takes hours upon hours to record an hour's worth of tracks. Getting a project like that done keeps you stuck in doors, in a contained environment. Getting out is a little disorientating.
So...maybe he posted over the weekend and I lost out of time.
The point is that ...my ex is still stalking.
He says he's letting me go for my own safety.
I don't know anymore.
This has gone on for years.
Everyone is safer if I stay here...alone...until I can hide away far away.
I love my friend.
I want to keep him safe.
I can't speak to him any more.
If he gets a threat, he needs to go the police. Go to the one in your jurisdiction. You can send one to me or to the cops where I live. They know. Everyone knows. The city council....the mayor...everyone sees it. Imagine running for office and having the person you're running against urge you to go to a shelter.
It's been over for years. He promises to let me go. Then we does stuff to force me to stay for a few months. I caught on to the game. I have a reason to move on. I saw a little sunshine at the end of the tunnel.
I have to give up that sunshine.
I'm in pain.
That means that there is something better in the works for my friend.
Love ya,
S.
P.S. If I unfriend you, please don't take it personally. I had to unfriend someone dear to me once before due to jealousy. He and I had caught the attention of the stalker. I became scared and confused. I unfriended him because it was just too weird. He's never forgiven me for it.
He's still breathing, though. That's what matters.
P.S.S. And, you know, I keep thinking about the things I do that turned my ex off.
He got weird when I ran for office....and when I had my hypnotherapy practice.
Maybe I need to be a political ahole again?
Maybe I need to grab that pendulum again?
Maybe wearing frilly dresses, make-up and auburn hair turns him on...
Should I try for blond? Or orange....it would turn orange with my coloring.
Maybe if I start acting more businesslike and aloof, we can get stuff done.
Maybe....I've....been far too nice about this?
Maybe that's why it's been dragging on for years!
Hmmmmm.....
It's taken me three weeks to get to the bottom of my fear.
I fear leading my friend on. That's what affairs are. They are relationships with members of the opposite sex from people promising to divorce their partners.
I guess that's what is going on here. I need to get it over with.
My ex has told me to sleep around for years because he never wanted to deal with our issues. He's told me that he was comfortable saying that because I don't have the nerve to cheat.
I don't.
I never have.
Do you know how he knows? I made him wait six months after I left the guy before him, actually, it was more like eight months.
He knows I'm weird that way.
I need a ritual to end the marriage completely.
I know my friend's naked amusement park photo idea would work...but...the only person that I would want in the photo could potentially get hurt (mentally and physically.....and legally).
I need something else to do that burns that bridge so much so that I'll never have to worry my seeing him using [censored] that turns his [censored] into a dayglo color that I see out of the corner of my eye when I run into the basement to dry the laundry.
I need to be at the point where I will never know of such things.
I could accept a job on the coast?
Or....get him jailed for stalking?
Or...I could legally change my name back to my birth name. It's an English/Irish hybrid.
Or....hmmmmm.....I don't know.
As much as my ex tells me it is over, I need a ritual so the whole darn world can see that I'm no longer Mrs. Stalker in Denial.
Yeah....
I don't fear hurting my friend so much. I literally fear sleeping with him only to find myself stuck here....with this guy...due to finances or stalking or whatever.
That's it.
I don't fear an affair. I fear breaking my friend's heart.
I've got to leave first.
My heart can stuff a sock in it.
It's wrong.
Let's hope the economy is in enough of a recovery that I can get away.
And, thankfully, my friend didn't piss off my divorce lawyer too much with his political rantings.
Whew!