Today I am thankful for my honest voice.
Someone paid me to read a ten page script about love.
I can't.
I can't say the word love without my voice cracking.
When the heck did this happen?
It took a couple of weeks and I've been able to fight the tears when I think about my situation.
Now, though, I can't even bring myself to say the word.
It's February.
Do you know how many times I have to say the word love in February?
Do you know how many times I have to record it?
Every flippin' day!!
I can type it.
I can't say it....at all.
My voice literally quits.
I'm pissed at me.
I fell.
I can't tell him.
I want him to be happy.
I feel like I'm wasting his time.
This will be my fourteenth Valentine's Day by myself. Last year, I spent it with a divorce attorney because that was the day I learned my ex ran up my credit cards and stopped paying on them. I couldn't pay them because I couldn't access the money; he told me that he put every dime we had into his 401K. Of course, now he's telling me that he lied.
Six weeks prior, politicians that I knew had chastised me for considering a divorce. They didn't care that we'd been separated for years. They didn't care the reasons. They just said to give up and trust God.
I did.
My ex acted like a demon; that idiot ripped me off.
I don't want to spend that day alone -but- I don't see another option.
If I follow my heart, I risk my friend's.
So...it's best to stay quiet and pray a solution will present itself or he'll find a new hottie.
Damn it....why do I always fall for a friend?
I love my friends so much so that I'd be incredibly honest with them at any given time.
If I knew what was going on, I'd tell him.
I don't. I just know that I should wait until March 15th to get direction from the court.
So.....
I certainly wouldn't let any one of my friends get sucked into that kind of drama with anyone else.
So...
To be a good friend, I have to be quiet and mean and stupid.
My silence is hurting him.
What do I say?
When is it not cheating?
When the ink is dry on the divorce decree?
When I move out of my house?
When my ex agrees to the details of the separation?
When six years go by without [censored]?
When thirteen years go by when we can't sleep together due to lies a nasty old bat told?
I asked my ex.
My ex said it wasn't cheating the moment I knew that I wasn't going to be romantically involved with him anymore.
That, my friend, was the deal back in 2008. He started calling me his ex in 2006 but by 2008, I'd caught him in so many lies, I knew it was over. In 2008, he lost his job.
My ex promised that the moment he got a job, he's cooperate, find a fair settlement and sign the papers. That was February of 2012. He lied.
I'm confused.
I'm hurt.
I didn't think the pain could get any worse.
Then someone that I love had to go and tell me that he loved me.
All I can do is think about all the time I wasted trying to do the right thing.
I'm sorry.
Someone gave advice yesterday....I don't know what to do. I'm torn between the following my head or my heart.
This man said the wisest thing. If issue revolves around work or education, follow my head. If the issue concerned money then I ought to follow the law. If the issue revolves around sex, I should follow my heart.
Still....does anyone really need to be around my confusing energy?
Maybe I'll meditate some more. An answer will present itself soon. It has to.
Love ya,
S.
Next Day Edit:
Okay...as much as my intuition disagrees with me, I've got to listen to my head on this one.
The stalking is insane. There is part of me that thinks Mike is making some of this crap up to scare me into staying here with him. I don't know.
I don't even know if he threatened my friend. My friend won't tell me for certain if the message came from my account. If he did and if he saved it, I could take it to the police as evidence of stalking.
I'm not going to chance it. I'm not going to put other people at risk.
I need a judge to rule on our living situation. Stupid as it is, I need permission to move out.
I need a judge to issue a no contact order.
Then....
if my friend hasn't found the love of his life, I'll watch a mini-series with him.
If he has, I'll buy he and his lady love the coolest thing on their wedding registry.
In the past, I took Mike at his word. He lied...
then I became the liar.
Last September, I was told that the legal case had been submitted to the lawyer. I thought the ball was rolling.
My friend didn't want any part of it until the legal drama was over...so I didn't tell him any more than that.
I should have told him more but there are always so many other interesting things to talk about.
Week and week, I'd call the court. Nothing....
I had to take matters into my own hands.
So....
This time...I'll tell what I know.
I have no clue what is going on except that I have a lot of legal crap to deal with. I want to do this right with a minimum of damage.
This is interesting for me on an emotional level.
I used to cry about of self-pity. Now, I cry harder out of sadness and confusion. It's one thing to cry when one is alone. It is another entirely to cry because you're hurting someone you care deeply about.
I still don't understand myself. I don't understand my heart.
Hearts are crazy things. They see what is hidden.
It took me a little over a year to see what mine saw. There is another human being on this planet that has a lot in common with me. We've got the same political viewpoint. We both like science fiction and zombies. We grew up in the same part of town.
He's more advanced though. He's better at just about everything.
He takes all the stress and all the pain and makes it disappear.
I would describe him as the living embodiment of pure joy. Everything is fun when he around....everything. Politics, public speaking, driving on the highway during rush hour in a filthy car, listening to idiotic hecklers that don't know what they're talking about....everything is fun when he is around.
I'm sure someone else will see that, too.
I'm still praying. Maybe there is a solution that I don't know of now. I'm just doing what my friend advised me to do several months ago.
Wish for what is in the best interests of all parties. This is what I'm doing.
Cheers!