Today I am thankful for my priest.
I am pagan. As a general rule, we don't tend to gravitate towards social labels and norms.
We tend to have a religious structure; there are high priests and priestesses. We have covens (pagan prayer groups). Our lives are fairly ritualistic.
We tend to see material things and social status as things that we get in exchange of energy. The same rule applies to love, we get what we tend to put our energy towards.
Some of us tend to put more faith in religion than social customs. I'd rather see a priest than a doctor or a shrink.
When a mutual friend confronted me about being in public with my friend, he warned me to seek help for my confusion before I hurt someone. It was obvious to him that I was in love.
So....
I went to my priest.
And I told him my story.
Every Friday, I light a candle to Aphrodite and ask to have a relationship based in equality and deep love. I light a candle to Eros and ask that when I find this guy that I only have eyes for him.
I get hit on more often than I care to admit. I don't have the energy to deal with that. I want one person. I want him to know that he's enough. I don't want to ever be tempted again....ever.
I think the Gods answered me a couple of years ago.
Every new moon, I'll light a red candle and ask for my true love. There is a guy who does unexpected stuff around the new moon.
My friend will ask to hang out with me. He'll declare his love. He'll want to...uh...dance...naked.
After a six year drought, it is incredibly hard to tell him no.
He's everything that I find beautiful in a man; intelligence, charm, kindness, open, honest and he's handsome as heck, too.
He's Everything.
If we hooked up, I'm certain that I'd get the better end of the deal.
He's incredibly ethical. If I do anything to upset that balance, I'll lose him. I love that he has ethics and empathy. He'd never do anything to harm another human being on purpose.
Now, last October when I was doing a lot in politics, I asked the priest and his priestess to pray that I would learn how to love again. I was really losing patience with people wanting the wrong kind of things from government. I recognized that I had forgotten how to love.
I saw my friend the day after they prayed for me.
In November, when they asked if they could pray for me, I told them that I wanted to meet a soul mate who would help me do something to be of service to others.
Guess who started to write to me more often with his observations about society?
I explained the situation to the priest.
The gods have sent me the perfect guy. He's not too tall. He's adorable. He glows around me. His eyes sparkle. He values equality.
He was practically gift-wrapped.
I can't unwrap him until my ex allows me to divorce him. My ex and I have had this on again, off again thingy going on since 1999. He started calling me his ex in 2006. We've been separated since 2008.
We said we would cohabit for the sake of the kids until the financial crap improved. It's getting better. I'd like to work but the stalking gets in the way of my ability to hold a job.
It is not an equal partnership at all.
My ex hates me. He wants me back because I'm happy and have the look of love in my eyes. He apologized for telling me he wanted a divorce. He apologized for telling me to see other people.
I can't cope with the stalking. This is literally pushing me out the door.
He wants me back because I am glowing with love. I feel turned on a lot and he acts as though he can capitalize on that. It's not him I think about. I can't be with him. He didn't earn any favors from me.
I have to find a way to go.
So....the coven is going to get together to try a letting-go spell to push things along. It would be an affront to the Gods to ignore the gift they brought into my life.
I've got to sign off now. There is someone playing with the door handle. After all the stalking, I'm really scared to be here.
Love ya,
S.