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Anger & Panic Attacks

Today I am thankful for the gift of fear.


I sense that something is going to happen.  I awoke with a panic attack at 4:00 again today.


I've had them on and off today. 


The cops tell me that my ex-husband is my stalker.  My ex-husband swears up and down that he is a stalking victim.  He claims that his sister is stalking him and harassing me in order to annoy him.

He doesn't want to move out of the house.  He refuses to split the accounts.  He is not taking our divorce seriously at all. 

I am at a loss.


This seems weird.  I am tired to talking about it.  I am near the point of selling the house just to be sure I can get away from it all. 


I found a website today that listed signs of a stalking ex.  I'll post them below.   I will highlight the things that Michael has done to me in yellow.  I will highlight the things his sister has done to me in green.  Things that have happened but I do not know who has done it will be highlighted in blue.

Here it is:


WHEN YOUR PARTNER STARTS STALKING

Over 50% of ex-partner stalking started before they left their partner (Mullen, Pathe and Purcell, 2009)
  1. They become demanding/controlling, they want to know who you are texting, e-mailing, what you are saying.  They are suspicious, perhaps even paranoid. 
  2. They are contacting you multiple times a day asking you to confirm where you are at – if you are at an unusual place and they seem to know - suspect that they have put some geo location software on your phone. 
  3. They start sending aggressive, abusive or threatening texts. 
  4. They start to contact your friends and family trying to check up on you, get information about you, or trying to damage those relationships. 
  5. They start to spread rumors, put abusive, embarrassing comments online via social network, forums etc. 
  6. They seem to know information that you haven’t told them or know what you do online such as websites you’ve gone to, people you’ve chatted or sent e-mails to etc – suspect spyware on your computer  
  7. Your passwords stop working or keep changing. 
  8. You find e-mails marked read that you haven’t read, or e-mails sent from your account you haven’t sent. 
  9. Money starts going missing from your online bank account or goods being bought via online stores you use. 
  10. Information is deleted such as friend’s contacts, computer files, e-mails.


I guess I am realizing that the stalking isn't quite done.  I am realizing two choices before me.  I can harm the kids, sell everything, change my name and move away.  Or I can let the guy stay here and get whatever the hell he wants.


The problem gets worse when I start doing things for myself.  Maybe if I pull back he'll leave me alone.  It could buy me time to figure out what is truly going on.
My phone has downloaded something that has used 93% of its memory.  I put a 32GB card it in.
Two weeks ago, the frame was pried open on my laptop.
I don't understand what is going on.  I am freaking out a little bit.

I am not safe. 


I wish I knew what to do. 

After what I have experienced with Steve, I am beginning to believe that I may be personality disordered.  I cannot believe that I have this many interpersonal problems with men.  I pissed Nick off because I don't want to tell him what is going on.  He's adorable.  He's hot.  He has a lot in common with me.  I miss sex. I will not allow myself to be tempted.

I'm finding myself incredibly depressed.  I did a spell to try to help me feel better.  It seems to be working. 

Now, I'm off to light a candle and present two steaks to Ares in order to stay safe from the stalking.

I hope this works.


Love ya,


S.

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