Avoiding Men

Today I am thankful for time to be alone. 

It's Friday.

It's beauty routine day.

It's dress buying day. 

It's a day for me to pack away my hippy dresses I bought last weekend at the thrift shop.  I spent $5.00 and got two dresses and a top. 


You should see the dress I bought on Ebay.  It's designer.  It's new.  I got it for $12.00.  I may turn around and sell it.  The other ones on Ebay are going for $75.00. 

A lady at the near new shop found me the perfect lace jacket to go with the designer dress.  She gave it to me for $1.00.  Maybe I'll keep it and wear it when I get my groove back.


I bought the clothes for the Pagan fair next weekend.  I was going to take Steve.  It is Beltane Celebration.  It is a weekend where we celebrate Pan (e.g. Dionysus).  It is a week of sexual energy, of lust, and of love.  It's a shame he doesn't understand Beltane.  If he did, he may have curtailed his craziness for a week just to get the sex.  

It's not a place I want to go alone.  I do not want to put myself in a position of getting raped or finding myself in my bassist buddy's tent.  Yes, Nick and his band are playing at the festival. 

I'm ignoring Nick.  I really don't know what to say differently than I already have.  Yes, I understand that he wants to hang out.  No, I need to stay away from men and want to take time to think about what happened.  Steve awakened my sexuality.  I have to try to stuff it back so I don't do anything stupid. 

*****

I had to take some time to think about what was going on.  To be quite truthful about it, I had a two hour bath.  I think I zoned out.

I had to leave because I got incredibly cold.

I realized that those things my ex-husband claimed that Steve was doing, were things that my ex-husband was doing.

I realized that those things that Steve claimed I was doing, were things Steve was doing to me.

When he'd run to Facebook to complain that I was calling him names, it was around the time he'd send me email after email calling me stupid, fake, fraudulent, and so on.

There are other examples. I may update with them.  I may not. 

Everything he claims I do to him, every motive he claims I have, may actually be what he's trying to do to me.

On Monday, he brought up the idea of gaslighting.  He had suggested that some women subconsciously do things to cause other people to act out.  I didn't say anything.  I was a little angry at him for acting like a dork.

Later that night, I got a text message claiming that although I thought he was doing it* subconsciously,  he was doing it consciously.

Now, I may not understand those texts.  *I don't know what "it" is.  The spelling was atrocious, so it could be that he meant to say something else.  At this time he had become quite threatening.  I was crying so hard that I could not speak.  I did not care to call him to clarify it. 

Then I found an email where he threatened to do something he claimed an ex did to him at the time of their break-up.

Then I received two text messages calling me a sociopath.  His ex was a narcissist.  Sociopaths are narcissists. 

Oh, so we are all labeled as crazy.

In my archived emails, I found an email where he threatened to tell people I said bad things about him upon our break-up.  He said he wouldn't do that because it wouldn't get him what he wanted.

Still, he threatened to slander me if I broke up with him?

Oh, no.  I think I know what is going on now.

Today, in the bathtub, after two hours of reflection I had a realization.

All of those things that Steve said his exes did were probably things that he did to them.

All of those things that Steve said his exes did to his children were probably things he did to them.

This made me sad.  .

It could explain a lot of things in his life. 

This thought made me terrified of him. 

I don't want to go into too much detail on that.  I wasn't there.  I only know what I was told.  These were horrible things.  These were things that would make me throw all compassion out of the window should I have witnessed it. 

*****
I don't know.

This is probably what happens when two people hook-up that haven't worked on their baggage.

I can't deal with that crap.

I do know that I have had a couple of therapist friends warn me away from him.

I do know that he attacked one of my friends for some stupid reason.  She absolutely detests him.

Now, my ex-husband won't leave because he thinks I'm going to take Steve back.

I can't do that. 

Those emails.  Steve has never once addressed the content of any of the abusive emails. 

He has justified it.

He has said that he didn't know what he was talking about when he wrote them.

He has never once addressed the personal insults.

That could be my fault. 

When I see him, I want to talk about more fun things so I don't press the issue.
Those abusive emails, though, they cut into my desire to invest in the relationship.  I was afraid to do anything with him, bring him further into my life, or change my schedule around his needs too much because I was afraid that this would happen again.  It does.  Like clockwork.  About two days before each new moon, he goes on the offensive and blames me.

It does seem like every time I see him, he talks about me leaving him.  He'll say that I will run off with another guy.  He'll say that I won't find him attractive anymore and break up with him.  The last time he said that, I felt incredibly uncomfortable.  I put on my most difficult to remove clothes so he wouldn't be compelled to try to get it on with me.


Okay....difficult to remove clothes don't stop guys.  They just slow them down.  I was not happy.

I can't do this.  Every time I get crazy emails claiming that I don't give him the respect he deserves, I trust him less and less. 

One of the last emails claimed that I never lift a finger to help him. 


I drive him around!  I did charity work with him to help his boss!  I sneak around to grab the check at dinner to help him financially.  I put lotion of his back.  I used two fingers to unbutton....


Oh never mind....I guess I will never lift a finger to help him again.


I just can't see myself putting up with this anymore.


I can't.

*****

So, I am still crying my eyes out and trying to get rid of the negative energy.

My witchy friends cast a motivation spell on me yesterday.  They don't know about Steve and I breaking up.  I'll be pissed off if it was a motivation to move on with Steve spell. 

If it was, it'll wear off in two weeks. 

****

I am horrible at love.

Maybe I need to focus on lust. 
That sounds like more fun.

Hmmmmm......

Love ya,

S.