Skip to main content

2 + 2 = 4



Today I am thankful for basic reasoning skills.




I spent the past weekend hearing about how insecure I am. 
I felt intensely scrutinized and criticized by Steve.
I also heard about how Steve claimed that I tried to start a fight by disagreeing with him.  He went out of his way to threaten me to insure that I would never come back.




I heard that there was another woman but he claimed he wasn't interested in her.
Last night, I learned that Steve feels like I never loved him.  He claimed that I couldn't say "no" and he picked a fight to give me an out.  The thing that pisses me off about that is that Steve has actually met men that have been told NO!  One was told NO to sex.  Several were told NO to dates.


He actually told other people that he thought that I couldn't say no and never loved him.  I am incredibly embarrassed by that.


*****



My sense is that he is projecting his insecurities onto me.


His insecurities cause him to become emotionally abusive. I don't think he means to do that.  I think those emotional toxic dumps are what he does when he is hurting.  I think all those evil things he writes about me are things he thinks about himself.
I don't know. 


I think the other woman may have been the catalyst for the last conflict.  Maybe....just maybe...if he chased me away, he could seriously consider the other connection. 


*****


Steve's not the only one being offered other doors.  I am avoiding Nick....still.  There is a bass musician event this Sunday.  If enough people register and I'm sure that I can get lost in the crowd and not be easily found, I'll go.  He's lonely.  I'm lonely.  We have far too much in common.  This is a lethal combination.  Even if I cut ties completely with Steve today, it would be an insult to latch onto someone else so quickly.

Besides, I feel all negative and gunky.  I need to get the negative energy off of me before hanging out with any man. 



*****


Yes, I am a little shocked that Steve thought that I never loved him.

There are five distinct love languages.  Love languages are the way in which we tend to show love to other people. If he didn't feel loved by me, it is possible that I didn't utilize his model of love. In truth,  I thought I had hit all of the following love languages.


1.) Words of Affirmation
2.) Quality Time
3.)  Acts of Services
4.) Gifts
5.) Physical Touch


His love languages are Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service.


Mine are Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation.


I don't know.

I truly do not want to be with a man who emotionally abuses me every time he feels insecure.  I know it will happen again.  This hurts me deeply.


*****


There is a spell I can do tomorrow to kill the connection.  I am seriously considering it.  This is probably hurting both of us too darn much.


Love isn't enough, is it? 
Love ya,


S.









Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004.  We ran into her at a Wal-mart in 2005 and my keys went mi
Read more

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor his financial
Read more

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP and when he is stressed out
Read more