Rude Boys

 

Today I am thankful for goals.

 

My goal for May is to not get nasty, flirty and filthy with strange men.

 

This includes Steve.

 

Steve been pretty eff'in rude. 

 

You know, I'm surrounded by rude males. 

 

I'm not doing a very good job being boring and kind.

I just avoid them.

 

I attract a lot of strange men.  Probably because I'm strange and people tend to attract people into their lives who are just like they are.

 

Okay...that's good.

 

The only problem is that I can only handle one strange guy at a time. 

 

I also promised myself that I would start censoring my dirty mouth.

 

I have a friend who looks a little too familiar.  He smells a little too familiar.  I am staying a good distance from him.  When I write dirty things, he sees into it.  He chastises me for writing things dirty on blogs and social media when I am obviously in love with Steve.

 

The things I write are not necessarily dirty.  Someone has a dirty mind.

 

Ah....then the three weeks of peace passed and Steve had a meltdown over my alleged political leanings.

 

Now.....this guy's text messages overlapped Steve's meltdown messages. 

 

I put my phone in Airplane mode.

I have ignored both of them. 

I am needing some time away from men right now.

 

My phone has still been on Airplane Mode since last Monday.

 

I know this guy has been sending me text messages.

 

I know.... I did take my phone off airplane mode for five minutes.  I saw a message and put it right back on.

Then....then....I went online to look at my schedule for the next week.  I made the mistake of glancing at my feed. 

 

Do you want to know what he wrote?

 

I can't tell too much. 

 

It is akin to

 

"If you don't cry when you see emotional scenes in movies, a red-head has sucked out your soul!"

 

Oh.....

 

okay....

 

I want to tell him that a great guy with a red-head by his side should feel safe.  It's not his soul she wants to suck.

 

I can't. 

 

I want to be celibate.

 

So...I'm gonna be quiet. 

 

I'm going to be celibate.

 

I just had to put that out there so I didn't think like a pervert anymore.



I don't necessarily think of this guy when I have that thought.  I just have that thought. 

 

This is why I do not want to go to a pagan sex celebration by myself when a man who says such things will attend. 

 

This is weird.

 

See?  I can be rude, too!

At least my rudeness is FUN!!

I really wished I hadn't let anyone awaken my sexuality.

*****

 

Perhaps I should make more of an effort to be serious.

 

I do not know how to describe what happened when people ask.  I avoid people.  I can't do that much longer.  I think that I am going to tell people that I brought out the worst in Steve.

 

 

The truth is that there must be something that drives him nuts every New Moon.  I can go through the past year and find examples of him flipping out over innocent stuff, blocking people, and claiming he is disrespected.  I went through the blog and went as far back as May 2013.

 

 

In May 2013, Steve went into attack mode on Facebook because Adam Kokesh was arrested for doing something illegal in front of a cop.  He harassed my friend Amy.  He blocked me then went on to say nasty things to her and a couple of my political activist friends.  None of them will tell me what he wrote.  They tell me to stay away from him.  It was a Saturday.  It was the day after a new moon. 

 

 

He also left a nasty message for my friend Doug.  He is a fitness buff who helped me lose ten pounds.  He wants to sell me life insurance and I'm more profitable to him if I am fit.  Doug will not tell me what Steve wrote either.

 

 

I don't know why he did what he did in June.  I deleted the emails.  There is a distinct pattern of him claiming that I openly disrespect him without a specification of what corresponding behavior on my part led him to make that claim.  I only began documenting things in October.

This happens every new moon.  He'll tell me not to contact him or block me.  As of this writing, I am to the point of not knowing what it is that I can actually say to him. 

((I may have to check the actual dates to be factual.  I think I have January and March mixed up).

•  In October, he went nuts because my ex didn't move out of the house.  
• In November, he was upset because I didn't want to spend a weekend with him due to my health.  I took new birth control pills.  Let's just say, the bleeding wasn't something I wanted to share.   He ran around telling people that I thought he was a bad boyfriend.  This lead me to post a Garbage song on Facebook.  Since that day, he claimed that I called him garbage.  He's not garbage.  I never figured out how to help him feel good about himself.  This hurts me.
• In December, he claimed I lied to him about my divorce not being final.
• In January, it was because he thought I called him a frog when talking about the use of fairy tales in psychotherapy.  He also claimed that I didn't have enough self-esteem to allow myself to give and receive love.
• In February, it was because he thought I called my ex-husband a troll on Facebook. Mike had a jolly good time with that one. For two weeks, he'd ask me "questions three" or the other side of the room, porch, yard, or wherever we where "I'd never see."
• In March, I wasn't anarchist enough.  I was fake, fraud politician. He thought I made a post in support of the school lunch program.
• In April, it was because he thought I made a post in favor of pot prohibition.  He blocked me.  Then he unblocked me.  Then he asked me to block him after sending me several abusive emails.  He actually threatened to discredit me as a politician if I ran for office because I look like I support social programs and pot prohibition.  He did this in voicemails that he left after I told him that I probably couldn't get to the phone!

I cannot believe that he thinks he can discredit me. Geesh!!!  He doesn't understand how politics works.  It's about common ground and allowing everyone to be heard.  It's not about authoritarian bullying.



Then he called me an authoritarian sociopath!!  He has no idea.  Sociopaths do not believe in authority!  They try to undermine authority at every turn.  That sounds more like....HIM! 

I don't know how to relate to this man anymore.  I don't.

I am really frustrated.  I know this isn't about me or how I relate to Steve.  I think someone must deride him every few weeks and he comes home to take it out on me.

It hurts.  I need this to stop.

*****

I have been doing research on what causes poor communication in relationships.  It seems to boil down to a lack of chemistry.  Maybe I wasn't the kind of person that turned Steve's crank?


Maybe...I wasn't hot enough.


That seems to explain a lot.  He'd have to create a reason to fight to try to get me over for make-up relations.


Or, he is afraid of commitment. 


It's one or the other.  I guess it could be a little bit of both. 


I don't know.


I still find myself crying when driving to my office.  I work across the street from Steve.  I cried a little bit when I went to a job interview today on that same road.


I don't think I got the job.

*****

I am thinking that if I am ever in a relationship like this again and we decide that we still love each other, I'll only go back if he splits half the cost of relationship coaching.


I can't handle how this feels.
I know that the only way to save the relationship is to learn to keep Steve from feeling insecure.  I don't know how to do that.


I am in a lot of pain.


It is causing me to isolate myself.


Yes, I'm ignoring people. I can't continue to do this.



I can't keep ignoring my male friends.  Some of them have had horrid break-ups and I think they want the chance to talk to someone they know won't judge them.  I guess I am free enough to talk.  I'll just keep it in a public venue so there is no....below the belt stuff.


I am going to grab my phone and put it back on its normal settings.

I'll just block abusive aholes. 
 

Love,

 

S.