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Wishing for a Day Without Tears

Today I am thankful for smiles. 


I did my usual Saturday shopping yesterday. 


I went the same route I usually take when I used to visit Steve on the weekends. 


I'd stop at a Goodwill a few blocks away from his house.


Then I'd go to Albertson's.


Then I'd spend an hour or two in Old Town Inglewood. 


I'd hit the Goodwill in my part of town because I live on the cheap side of the most expensive zip code in my city.  I get a lot of brand new designer clothes there. 


Then I go home.




Oh, and why is it that when I decide NOT to go camping with a man all of the things I wanted to buy for the trip go on sale?


UGH!!! 


I feel guilty for cutting Steve off but I had to do that.  He wasn't interested in me.  Sometimes Eros's arrows sting.  They bring pains that are difficult to bear.  Maybe I should have given him more gifts upon his altar. 

I know Steve and I are both in pain. 


I am NOT what he wants.  He wants someone to make him feel better about himself and he is not above dragging a woman down beneath him.  I can't handle that.   As much as he tried to lie about me online, he has attacked my friends on a few occasions.  He can call me crazy all he wants, they know what is happening.  He's done it to them, too.


I am in a lot of pain. It doesn't help when my friends tell me they thought I dumped him a long time ago. 


No one is garbage. 


I can't sacrifice my joy for those moments when I am treated like crap. 


We are all important in God's eyes. 


All of us. 


That is why it is so hard to have to end things like this.  Those emails, text messages, and voice mails were vile and threatening.  I sobbed for days.  My ex-husband tried to console me.  I know Steve tried calling the home number three times but there were no corresponding messages on the answering machine.  I don't know if he left any or if they were deleted.


I do know that my ex-husband took the majority of last week off from work.  He claimed to be sick.  I don't know.  I think he's worried.


My ex-husband threatened to kick Steve's ass for making me cry.  Then he apologized and told me that Steve is not welcome at the house.  The house was given to me in the divorce.  I am finding my entire world to be dysfucktional.


I don't know who I'm angrier at right now. 


It's probably best to stay away from an angry redheaded woman.


I pray we all find what we need to live our lives to the fullest.  No one is garbage.  No one is beneath anyone else.  We just all have to find ourselves before we can find someone to spend the rest of our days with.


I thought I had found the one.  I was wrong.  The worst part about this is that I lost a friend.  I knew I shouldn't try to kiss him.  I knew it would cost me a friend.

That's okay. 


I have faith that it will all work out somehow. 

Right now, I just want one day without tears.....just one.






Love ya,


S. 

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