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Lucky Butterflies Escape the Killing Jar

Today I am thankful for escaping confining relationships.


Beltane is the holiday where women choose their mates.  I decided to go to the Pagan festival by myself. 

I wanted to go to get over my fear of sex and relationships.  I thought I would go with a partner.

I paid for the tickets.  I may as well go by myself. 

Maybe there is a reason why Steve and I broke up right before Beltane.  Maybe we are not right for each other.  Maybe I need to find another Pagan to do the great rite with me. 

I'm sure things will work out.

I'm still sitting at home and crying my eyes out.  When I'm not thinking of Steve, I'm think of the little boy that passed away, and a little girl two blocks away whose father has just died.

Life is full of pain. 

I should try to bring more love and joy into my environment no matter what is happening in my life.

This is what I am trying to do now.

*****

I am trying not to eat the ice cream my ex-husband keeps buying for me to soothe my broken heart.  I am allergic to ice cream. Instead, I am trying to work out more often so I can fit into my hot clothes.

My bass player buddy is pushing to 'hang out.'  I think he just wants to get to know me.  I'm trying to find a way to tell my bass player buddy that I have kids and that I'm a "looser." 

He lives just a mile away from me.  This could be a dangerous combination. 

How do I convince him that he doesn't want me? 
Nick is actually inspiring me to kick my job search in high gear.  If I'm too busy to meet him, I don't have to worry about disappointing him. 

*****
My neighbor ran up to me as I left the house today.  He wanted to know why I wasn't driving my mini-van.  He wanted to know who the crying man was at my front door.  He wanted to know who our city councilman was. 


I told him that I had to give my van to my ex-husband.  I told him that the crying man and I broke up because I couldn't get my life together.  I did not tell him that our new city councilman is a cad who likes to stare at my ass.


My neighbor is a coach.  He's a private-investigator.  He wants to have coffee to help me whip my life into shape.  I should NOT have given my van to my ex.  I should NOT have left a relationship because my ex wouldn't leave.  I should make sure our lazy cad of a city councilman does not win re-election.


He's only trying to help.
*****


I do find myself crying still.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I am finally feeling free of some of the negativity.  It was like those times Steve sent me nasty messages to put me in my place all left gunk on my psyche.  I still feel gunky from the stalking.  Each day it gets easier.

I think I know what happened with my former relationship.  I'm not submissive enough.  He wanted someone he could control and contain.  He wanted a woman who would agree with everything he said.  I think I figured out too late that he was trying to manipulate me.  I figured it out when he called me a sociopath.  I am NOT a sociopath.  I have had so many shrinks analyze me as part of my course of study, I would KNOW if I were a psycho.

It would seem that he was just looking for an excuse to break up and fight.  He made up things yet again to attack me.  He always assumed motives for me that I did not have.  He always assumed I was attacking him when I was not.  He would send me the most vile emails every few weeks.


I don't understand why a man does that.  Perhaps they do that when they do not want you?


Maybe his mother didn't like me.  I met her the day before he had his melt down. 


Maybe he actually believed that I thought so poorly of him.  I did not.  I just don't think I can put up with a relationship where I am terrified to say anything for fear of upsetting him.  I am questioning everything I say now. 


I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  I feel better not worrying about when the next thing I write will hurt another human being.  I can literally feel the clouds moving away and the sun coming out to shine. 

Still....I'm sure there is someone else out there that won't care that my bass guitar is worth more than my car.  He'll understand that my passion is politics and advocacy.  He'll understand why I give speeches and let people speak their minds. He will know I love him enough to see the best in him but I will never give him false assurances.  I will never lie to him.  I will speak the truth in full.

*****

On a positive note, my ex-husband is talking about moving out when they remove the cast from his arm.  Finally!!!  Woo hoo!!!


There is no reason to be alone.  I just have to find a guy who loves me for myself and lets me be the person I was made to be. 

Love ya,


S.

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