Skip to main content

Lucky Butterflies Escape the Killing Jar

Today I am thankful for escaping confining relationships.


Beltane is the holiday where women choose their mates.  I decided to go to the Pagan festival by myself. 

I wanted to go to get over my fear of sex and relationships.  I thought I would go with a partner.

I paid for the tickets.  I may as well go by myself. 

Maybe there is a reason why Steve and I broke up right before Beltane.  Maybe we are not right for each other.  Maybe I need to find another Pagan to do the great rite with me. 

I'm sure things will work out.

I'm still sitting at home and crying my eyes out.  When I'm not thinking of Steve, I'm think of the little boy that passed away, and a little girl two blocks away whose father has just died.

Life is full of pain. 

I should try to bring more love and joy into my environment no matter what is happening in my life.

This is what I am trying to do now.

*****

I am trying not to eat the ice cream my ex-husband keeps buying for me to soothe my broken heart.  I am allergic to ice cream. Instead, I am trying to work out more often so I can fit into my hot clothes.

My bass player buddy is pushing to 'hang out.'  I think he just wants to get to know me.  I'm trying to find a way to tell my bass player buddy that I have kids and that I'm a "looser." 

He lives just a mile away from me.  This could be a dangerous combination. 

How do I convince him that he doesn't want me? 
Nick is actually inspiring me to kick my job search in high gear.  If I'm too busy to meet him, I don't have to worry about disappointing him. 

*****
My neighbor ran up to me as I left the house today.  He wanted to know why I wasn't driving my mini-van.  He wanted to know who the crying man was at my front door.  He wanted to know who our city councilman was. 


I told him that I had to give my van to my ex-husband.  I told him that the crying man and I broke up because I couldn't get my life together.  I did not tell him that our new city councilman is a cad who likes to stare at my ass.


My neighbor is a coach.  He's a private-investigator.  He wants to have coffee to help me whip my life into shape.  I should NOT have given my van to my ex.  I should NOT have left a relationship because my ex wouldn't leave.  I should make sure our lazy cad of a city councilman does not win re-election.


He's only trying to help.
*****


I do find myself crying still.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I am finally feeling free of some of the negativity.  It was like those times Steve sent me nasty messages to put me in my place all left gunk on my psyche.  I still feel gunky from the stalking.  Each day it gets easier.

I think I know what happened with my former relationship.  I'm not submissive enough.  He wanted someone he could control and contain.  He wanted a woman who would agree with everything he said.  I think I figured out too late that he was trying to manipulate me.  I figured it out when he called me a sociopath.  I am NOT a sociopath.  I have had so many shrinks analyze me as part of my course of study, I would KNOW if I were a psycho.

It would seem that he was just looking for an excuse to break up and fight.  He made up things yet again to attack me.  He always assumed motives for me that I did not have.  He always assumed I was attacking him when I was not.  He would send me the most vile emails every few weeks.


I don't understand why a man does that.  Perhaps they do that when they do not want you?


Maybe his mother didn't like me.  I met her the day before he had his melt down. 


Maybe he actually believed that I thought so poorly of him.  I did not.  I just don't think I can put up with a relationship where I am terrified to say anything for fear of upsetting him.  I am questioning everything I say now. 


I don't know.  It doesn't matter.  I feel better not worrying about when the next thing I write will hurt another human being.  I can literally feel the clouds moving away and the sun coming out to shine. 

Still....I'm sure there is someone else out there that won't care that my bass guitar is worth more than my car.  He'll understand that my passion is politics and advocacy.  He'll understand why I give speeches and let people speak their minds. He will know I love him enough to see the best in him but I will never give him false assurances.  I will never lie to him.  I will speak the truth in full.

*****

On a positive note, my ex-husband is talking about moving out when they remove the cast from his arm.  Finally!!!  Woo hoo!!!


There is no reason to be alone.  I just have to find a guy who loves me for myself and lets me be the person I was made to be. 

Love ya,


S.

Popular posts from this blog

Stalker Proxy Phone Calls

What kind of songs do narcissistic stalkers sing?  I imagine they sing songs like this.   I am grateful now that I understand why the stalker has people call  but   wish they'd listen when I ask them not to call again.  I probably should document this somewhere.  My ex was talking to an old friend of mine from high school on a daily basis.  She is his cousin.   I had to quit talking to her when she'd ask me to plan parties and then refuse to give me the guest list saying that the attendees would only be me, her, my stalker Shannon, and my NPD mother-in-law.   She wanted me to plan interventions.   This happened with a baby shower.  It also happened with a wedding.  The in-laws put together a fake wedding trying to host an intervention to shame me and my ex into doing things for them (like quit school and give them my car).   I had to cut this so-called friend off over that in 2004....
Read more

The Love Gods Have a Sense of Humor

Today I am thankful about the ever-changeable, ever-humorous universe.   It is said that 'in life, the only constant is change.' Ah, this is a true tidbit, isn't it? I recently vowed NOT to date until Michael officially moves out of the house.  I also vowed NOT to be close to him unless he signs up for FOO (Family of Origin) and Relationship counseling.  I've been with the man nearly a quarter of a century, he's not going to go to therapy to have a relationship with me. He plays games with money, divorce agreements, custody arrangements, transportation, and all sorts of things to keep me stuck here.  It's nothing money and a lawyer can't solve.  ***** They say that dysfunctional people have three weapons that they use to keep people under their thumb.  The acronym is FOG. Yes, they are FOG machines. What does FOG stand for? F ear O bligation -and- G uilt Yes, there is fear.  Fear that he won't honor hi...
Read more

Personality Theory

Today I am thankful for personality theory. I can't say that I buy into it very much.  People change over the course of their lives.  Healthy people grow.  Unhealthy people either stay static or regress.  So what one tests today may change tomorrow. I do believe that personality theories (even ancient ones like astrology) create self-fulfilling prophecies.  If people buy into it, it gives a lot of insight into their characters, needs, and behaviors.   I've spent most of my adult life studying personality theories.  From Eric Fromm's theory's about authoritian -vs- mature personalities and how authoritians fear power while mature people revel in it to Jung's introvert -vs- extrovert theory.  A major one of interest to me is an offshoot of Jung, it is the MBTI type inventory.  When I'm happy, I'm a textbook INFJ. When I'm pissed off and wanting to strangle my ex, I act like a ESTP.  My ex is a ESTP a...
Read more